Hair Update

See all the greys? Augh! I can't wait to dye my hair ... soon!

I am beautiful no matter what I think

Thanks to Tin who tweeted about it, I came across this video which Marc wrote an entry about. It IS true, if you're a man (husband, brother, father, whatever...) you never ever want to find yourself in the middle of a discussion about a woman's looks. Whether it be her face or her body - more so her body! If for some unfortunate reason you find yourself in one, learn from it and charge it to experience haha. It really is a delicate topic. Is it universally delicate? Yes, as the video tells us. The issue exists in women everywhere.

Here's why this video made me cry.

I'm 44 with 2 kids, my body isn't what it used to be. But things became even more "complicated" after my breast cancer diagnosis and the surgeries that had to be done. Everyone knows what a mastectomy is, right? A part of me - a body part that helps define a woman, the size of which sometimes impacts a woman's self-worth (admit it!) - had to be taken away. At 44, I have one less breast. I struggled with this in the beginning, even if I had the breast reconstructed. I cried about it, even if I knew that having it removed was part of my treatment plan and would eventually lead to my healing. In light moments when talking to friends about it, I would tell them, "Pun*eta, flat-chested na nga, mababawasan pa.". I got over it right away though. I prayed hard for comfort and strength and the Lord was so kind to me. In no time, I was okay with it. I even bravely explained it to my girls and honestly to me at that exact time, all that mattered was I was going to be better off without it.

I didn't cry while watching this video because I went back to that dark place. I'm still okay with one reconstructed breast (by the way, a reconstructed breast does NOT look like a normal one still), N doesn't seem to care at all about it (and if he does after all, I'm going to throw him an upper cut). I certainly don't have any issues. Not anymore. I look at myself in the mirror all the time, unlike other women I know who still can't or who feel a discomfort when doing so. The breast is gone but so is the cancerous tumor that was there. That's all that matters to me.

A slightly protruding tummy
The onset of varicose veins
Crow's feet
Laugh lines
A double chin
My c-section scar
My appendectomy scar
My tummy tuck scar (not an aesthetic procedure, I had to have it in relation to the breast recon)

And now ... a mastectomized and reconstructed left breast

All these, when looked at without much thought, are not so pleasant reminders. But when I look at them long enough, I see something else. They're badges of honor and I've learned to look at them with pride in my heart, instead of sama ng loob.

Of course I would still love to look good in a bikini at this age. What other mothers would give to be able to fit into one beautifully after having children! I'm never going to deny that there's a part of me that's going to continue to wish for that. But I'm all good if it doesn't happen.

What a way to begin my Sunday. I teared up again while watching this. I'm sure you will, too.

"I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends that we make, the jobs we apply for, how we treat our children. It impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness."

"We spend a lot of time as women, analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren't quite right when we should spend more time appreciating the things that we do like."

Have a blessed Sunday!

Beautiful Words

I rarely share photos and links from other Facebook pages, but I had to make an exception while perusing my newsfeed this morning. I've been following this account that's called "Eat and Cheat Cancer Book Project", because a co-Pink Warrior is part of it and I'm interested to know what's going to be in the book. This morning, whoever is managing this account shared this :

LEAP OF FAITH
by Blanca, Volunteer and Contributing Writer

Answered prayers are not magic, they're miracles and love. And since they're love, the answer is not always a yes. Sometimes its difficult to understand why certain things happen or why things did not go as planned. Yes we know that they do happen for a reason but many times, the reason is simply lost to us.

Our faith dictates us though to trust that everything will make sense in the future. To believe with all our heart that God will reveal His great design for us in His own perfect time. It moves us to wait patiently without questioning His purpose nor demand for an answer.

His loving grace will aid us as we come to terms with our current situation. We are never alone in our painful journey, He's just right there beside us. Sometimes, we are just blinded by fear and numbed by pain that we fail to see and feel His presence.

When we want to do little else but pull pur hair out or throw our hands up in the in frustration, there's always heaven to look up to and God to call on. When we want nothing but to run up to the hills screaming in despair, there's that peak at the top where we can take that big leap of faith. God is just right there waiting to catch us with open arms.

Whoever Blanca is, I'm hoping she doesn't mind that I'm using her words as basis for this entry. They're very touching, make so much sense to me as I've never had anything so intense test my faith in God before. Never. So I know that this girl, whoever she is, must have gone through something life-changing herself.

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones. While I didn't understand at first why my Dad passed away the way he did  (he wasn't sick, there were none of those usual premonitions, we were totally shocked), God was so quick to show me and my family why it had to happen. I couldn't believe it. I thought I would have to wait a while, trust Him more, before He revealed the truth to us. But He truly is merciful, He saw my struggle to understand amidst having to deal with my breast cancer diagnosis while in the thick of mourning my Dad's death. Being made to understand why certain unfortunate incidents happen to you is relieving, comforting. I don't think I can be comforted enough while I continue to feel the huge void my Dad's death has left behind. But I at least know why it's there. I'll get to that comfort zone one day. Hopefully it won't take very long.

And no, this won't be a sad weekend. In fact, I'm going to be busy attending celebrations!

Happy Weekend, everyone! God bless us all!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

New Friends

Last week, I was invited by a friend to brunch. It was a group gathering of other women breast cancer patients and survivors. I accepted the invitation without hesitation! 

I consider it a blessing when new people are ushered into my life. Don't you? There is always a reason for people being introduced to you under whatever circumstance. I've always strongly believed in that. 

I don't really need to know why these women were introduced to me. We all related to one another. Some have been cancer-free for years now, a few of us are recent graduates (meaning, 2 years or less), a couple have ongoing treatments. But regardless of where we are today, we have all been in the same place before. The same dark, sad, depressing, scary, angry place. It's a place that's extremely familiar to each of us. It is somewhere all of us hope and pray to never be taken back to again.

I can't count the number of people I've met since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. But I'm thankful for all of them. There are even a few I haven't seen in the flesh yet, thanks to technology, which makes it possible to be friends with people even from afar and minus the benefit of a formal introduction. One day I'll meet and come face to face with my new-found online breast cancer buddies. One day.

Unfortunately, because I was so engrossed in people's stories, I failed to take a photo of the group. I'll update this post as soon as I get a copy from one of the girls who had a camera with her.

ENJOY THE WEEKEND! 

Blessings!

Hair Update

Exactly 7 weeks after my last chemo cycle, this is what my head looks like

I don't check everyday so I was really super happy while staring at these photos. I can't believe I've got strands and strands of hair again. Short strands, but strands nonetheless! 

Another 3 or so months and I'll probably be going to my stylist to have my first post-chemo haircut. 

PRAISE GOD!

Can't wait, can't wait!

Hot Frigging Flashes, I Hate You

If you're experiencing them for the first time, how do you know? 

I've heard the term "hot flashes" a lot from my Mom and aunts. But I never took it seriously until my Onco told me to prepare for them. How am I supposed to know when it's happening? 

I can't really tell 100% if it's hot flashes I've been experiencing but I have no other recourse. It can't be anything else. 

It's like this sudden gush of heat which originates from my scalp and it stays that way for a few minutes. Happens anytime, anywhere. The reason I'm suspicious is 'cause even when I'm in an airconditioned place, it will hit me and it will feel like the airconditioner suddenly malfunctioned. 

So I guess, this is really it? 

I'm told that the feeling is not the same for everyone. All I know is that this has never happened to me before and the first time I felt it, my gut really told me it was a hot flash.

WOW.

I have mixed emotions, actually. I'm 44 and having hot flashes. Under normal circumstances, you don't menopause at 44. But yeah ... these are not normal circumstances I'm in. LOL. 

Please please don't let me be a psycho like my Mom was. Hihihi. But it's true!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

How would you continue the statement?

I think the best way is still the original way : MAKE LEMONADE

One of the lemons I've been given on this journey is hair loss. It's been a load to deal with, psychologically and emotionally. The physical part is a given. Although I don't cry everytime I look at myself in the mirror (I only did once, I think, and for my self-imposed maximum of 10 minutes), but it does give you that feeling of sadness and it's the kind of sight that makes you sigh a little.

Who wouldn't react this way? You have a hairless head, no eyebrows, no eyelashes --- to start with! But yes, when life gives you lemons, you MUST try your best to make lemonades. It's the best way to get even!

And speaking of eyelashes, this was probably the hardest for me to address, because I was never an expert with false lashes. The few times I had to use them, it was the stylist at the salon who applied them to my lids. One of my best friends gifted me with a set from Benefit on my birthday last year, because she knew I'd need them. It took a while before I started using them because I was too intimidated. And when I did decide to open the box and try them on, it took me more than half an hour to get it right. HAHAHA!

Today, while waiting for my real lashes to grow back (no trace of growth yet 6 weeks after last chemo cycle), I can't say I'm already an expert, but I'm definitely more at ease. I just bought my 3rd pair of falsies at Beauty Bar last weekend (with Anissa's approval). Not bad for around P200 (no adhesive included). 

I chose this over all the others because I wanted the most natural-looking ones

I had to blur other parts of this photo because the rest of my face wasn't camera-ready yet hee hee!

 Up close ... just to show you how fine and natural the lashes are. And as you can see, my eyebrows are also still on vacation. Thank God I've been drawing my eyebrows for as long as I can remember, I can do it in my sleep!

You hardly see them in this photo but I still see a difference between this look and when I'm not wearing false lashes at all. So my verdict is ... if you don't like to call too much attention to your eyes, or if you're going out in the daytime and will be doing regular stuff, then this pair is a good choice. That's because they don't offer much drama, just the right kind of impact. 

I got these from The Beauty Bar (Eastwood Mall branch) but it's also available in our Beauty Bar branches. Now let's see how much longer I have to use them. Can't wait for all my natural hair to come back!

Good News : Nails are recovering

Other cancer patients/survivors will have stories to tell about how treatments have caused many physical changes to their bodies. Other than losing all my hair, the other thing I've had to deal with is nail discoloration --- both on my fingers and toes. This didn't happen to all my nails, though. Just the ones on the thumbs, big toes and a little on the forefingers and the 2nd toes (is that what call them?). 

It's a good thing I'm so used to wearing nail polish, I can't live without color on my nails. I'm exaggerating of course but you know what I mean. 

Now that I think about it, I should've taken photos of my nails too, to show the kind of damage chemotherapy caused and how much better they look today. I didn't have it bad unlike others who actually saw their nails fall off. Mine were discolored, grayish on the part of the nail bed closest to the skin. That's it. Truly lucky to have had this and nothing worse. 

Today, my friendly nail tech, the same one who's been working on me for years now told me, my nails are actually growing anew. YAHOO!!! 

But because the discoloration is still slightly obvious, I can't choose to wear light shades of nail polish just yet. Not a biggie. Red has always been my default color. 

This is Essie A-List, one of my favorite red shades

Absolutely no trace of the discoloration. It's enough that people stare at me in my head scarf. I don't need to give them more reason to look and wonder. (Sometimes I get really tempted to stare back, depending on my mood haha)

Going back ... this is one of the things I've been thinking about : do I now totally switch to organic nail polish? I have no doubt that I need to do that with hair color. But nail polish ... is it a must? There aren't too many options out there. I think I'm gonna give it more thought, backed up by research. 

Hope you're all having a productive week so far. Be safe.

God bless us all!