Update : Post Chemo Day 3 (Cycle 5)

Like clockwork, I start to feel the side effects on the 3rd day. Today's not bad so far, but I always know the side effects have arrived because I don't really feel the same. I'm up and walking, but I heeded my Onco's advice to start on the pain killer today (instead of when the body pain IS actually here). This is to avoid what happened after cycle 4. Yeah, the anxiety attack which amplified the body pain and rendered me useless and helpless for a whole day. Unthinkable!

I'm alright. Just a little lazy and now slightly sleepy. I'm in bed, typing away and checking on my social networking accounts as always. It's cool. 

Looking forward to Sunday Family Style lunch here at home with Mama and home-cooked Sinigang na Sugpo, Porkchops and Palitaw for dessert!

And yes, I've changed my pain killer because Arcoxia didn't really impress me. 

Let's see if Celebrex does the trick!
I'm liking the yellow stripes. 

Happy Sunday, y'all!

Lesson Learned

LESSON LEARNED: I'M NOT SUPERWOMAN. NO ONE IS.

I realized this yesterday, when I suffered from a really bad side effect (from chemo cycle 4 with Docetaxel, a new med) and was reduced to a ball of of pain and frustration, not to mention, desperation. 

In hindsight, it was also my mindset that made it so bad. Waking up in the morning and realizing I was not my usual self made me angry. I felt so off and this meant that my To Do List for the week would have to be set aside. Totally unacceptable to me. This dictated the tone for the rest of the day. And so everything became big ... the anxiety, the frustration, the pain (localized chest pain for more than an hour which really made me panic and think I was having a heart attack!), the anger --- the cycle went on an on. I allowed the enemy to take over. I was weak and it took advantage of me. I called out in prayer but I guess it was not heartfel. I was distracted, because I didn't feel relief until around dinner time.

I resisted the urge to rely on meds, not knowing that I was postponing relief for the wrong reason -- I didn't want to give in and admit defeat. I had been able to beat side effects the past 3 cycles and I didn't want to throw in the towel now. In the end, my body begged for the respite so I relented.

This is why I call chemo my Frienemy. It's supposed to make me better in the long term but look at what it does to me in the meantime. It wreaks havoc not just on the body but on the mind as well.

I've already apologized to myself for the really bad time I had yesterday. It was mostly my fault for allowing it to get to me.

I thank the Lord for a better day so far. I'm dizzy, I'm weak but I'm not in any kind of pain and I'll take that any day.

For all your prayers, thank you!

The Calm Before The Storm

Chemo Cycle 4 took place on January 10th, a Thursday.

I was okay until I woke up on Sunday, the 13th. I immediately felt off. Nothing major, just that overall feeling you get when you know the side effects are right around the corner and ready to pounce anytime. I didn't allow that to affect my day though. I had a family birthday lunch scheduled and I was dead set on going. Which I did. Honestly, I didn't feel 100% okay, but I was okay enough to go. I wouldn't have forced myself to get out of bed otherwise. I don't look so bad here, right? 

After the lunch, I decided to go for some much-needed "me" time at the nail spa near my Mom's place. The chemo treatments have taken a toll on my skin too. It dries 2x as fast now and I need to get a mani-pedi more often than the usual. 

Other than the relaxation factor, I also needed a mani pedi stat because my nails have really started to discolor bigtime (thumbs and big toes with some on the 2nd toe). I didn't take a photo because well, you know why. I can't stand seeing them, no matter how many times N tells me it's okay and it shouldn't be an issue because the discoloration is a side effect and is temporary.

He really is so nice. 

After this, Mom treated me to a massage back in the condo. The girl who massaged me was my Dad's (and now Mom's) favorite masseuse. I felt relieved after.

But all this pampering didn't prepare me for what was to take place the next day...

(jump to the next entry if you care to)

Are you my BFF?

My Oncologist told me the two things to watch out for this time are bloating and body/joint pains. Doesn't sound so bad, right? I mean, versus nausea the first 3 cycles which I didn't even experience. It's been 3 days since chemo cycle 4 and I've felt normal ... until I woke up this morning.

As soon as I tried to get out of bed, my back felt off. It was like I had exercised the day before. HA! Exercise? What's that? I've never even been inside a gym, let alone, do brisk walking on a regular basis.  So in my mind I knew this could be a chemo side effect. So much for good luck? Nah. I'm still not complaining. Sure, it feels uncomfortable. But really, if it's something that can be addressed by a pill, I'm okay.

Although I'm not a habitual pill-popper, there's a bit of comfort in knowing that when things go bad and I can't bear the pain, there's something I can take to make me feel better.

My doc says I should take Biogesic 3x a day for a week if I have to, and today I did. It's basic Paracetamol anyway so it shouldn't be terribly harmful. She says that if it gets too much to take, then I can shift to Arcoxia, which is a really intense pain killer. I took this for about a week right after my surgeries and it really helped. But I'm not too okay with taking it on a regular basis (kidney issues, hello). I know people who are regular Arcoxia fans for extreme things like migraine. Luckily, I don't have that issue.

It will have to be Biogesic for now. Perhaps, a 2-hour massage later on during the day will also do me well.

P.S. A friend who ended her chemo treatments last year and is now in remission tells me she experienced the bloating more than the body/joint pains. It IS different for each cancer patient, so please take everything with a grain of salt and just be vigilant about your side effects. Make sure you're prepared for anything and in everything ... just give thanks. This will all pass!

HAVE A BLESSED SUNDAY!

The Many Changes

It's been 2 months since I started undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. I've had three cycles of FEC (fluorouracil, epirubicin, cyclophosphamide) so far and I have 3 cycles to go. The 4th will most likely be on January 8, 2013 if my WBC count is acceptable. The 4th to 6th cycles will involve Taxotere, supposedly the nastier one (and yes, cost-wise too!). 

I AM HALFWAY THROUGH MY TREATMENTS.

That's really how I want to look at it, so I can stay positive and not dwell on the "bad" stuff too much. What bad stuff? After 3 doses of FEC, here's what's happened : 

-I've lost quite an amount of hair except my eyebrows and eyelashes

-My nails have a bit of dark discoloration (on both thumbs at the moment)

Note : a lot of cancer patients say this should happen when you start getting Taxotere but I noticed the discoloration about a week ago

-I tire quite easily on some days

-My right arm feels badly beaten, like I have arthritis or something like that. It feels bruised and this is because all the infusions so far happen on this arm. My left arm is spared because I had a mastectomy of the left breast.

All in all though? I'm told by my doctors that I'm part of the 10% who are blessed to not experience extreme difficulty post-treatment. I can't imagine what the 90% go through!

But frankly, I've been having some not-so-good days lately. I guess it's because of the holidays and it's mostly due to the fact that I'm missing my Dad a lot more. I cry at the drop of a hat and I tend to blame it on missing him. But there are times when the thought of having to go back to chemo treatments after the new year also pisses me off. I'm told that it's normal to start feeling this way because you really want to get it over with but you can't rush things. There was this ONE time I actually wanted to explore alternative medicine because I remember feeling so scared about the next 3 cycles with Taxotere. Deep inside though, I know I'll never want to ditch chemo because doing so won't give me the peace of mind I'll need. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with all the uncertainties that come with chemotherapy.

IT'S A MIND GAME.

Chemo feels like poison. But it's going to make me well. 

Can you focus on those statements for 2 minutes and tell me if you can reconcile them? 

I can't. 

Each cancer patient is different. I've gone through a few forums where (breast) cancer patients talk about how both FEC and Taxotere affected them. It's different for each person. But the common side effects of Taxotere, based on what I've read so far are these :

Bone pain (can be addressed by pain killers)

Numbness in the fingers and toes

Everything tastes bad

Mouth sores

"Trots" or diarrhea

And in some rare cases, your nails can fall off!!!

So tell me, how would you feel if you were in my shoes, waiting for the first dose of Taxotere???

It's like being at the starting line again, facing the unexpected.

CANCER IS NOT A FRIGGING GIFT.

There, I said it! 

I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who've been telling me how inspired you are by my strength. I'm not strong all the time. In fact, whenever I feel vulnerable and weak, I never ever deny it and I always allow myself to fall into that dark pit of despair. Why? Because the release does me well. I scream my head off (well, in my mind) and cry buckets of tears when I feel like it and I do it now without shame, unlike when this was all just starting. 

A friend who's also a breast cancer patient told me that no matter how strong and positive she was during her journey, there came a point when she just really didn't care about showing her weak side anymore. She had to or she would've gone nuts. So yeah, I'm entitled to fall every now and then. What matters is I know that I need to get up again and I do it each time. Needless to say, prayers help a great deal. 

Thanks for hearing me out. This wasn't meant to be an angry entry. I also don't mean to scare anyone, if any of you is on the same boat and just haven't spoken up. 

This is me keeping it real. 

Update on My Side Effects

THEY'RE GONE!

Not that they were such a big issue to me. They weren't at all and I can't count the number of people who told me how blessed I am to have not felt any of the severe ones. 

I can only PRAY that it will be this way until all my treatments are done. 

I have 5 to go, the next one is coming up on the week of November 12. Not really looking forward to it, but I'm working so hard on being positive and not dwelling on my anxieties. 

I hope you keep praying for me!

P.S.

Other than the gas and the "sleepy all the time" side effect, I also experienced some constipation. But this only lasted around 2 days and I didn't even take the meds my Onco said I could take. Awesome!