4th Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson #4 : Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does.

Here's an excerpt from the book:
There were a lot of signs telling me to lighten up, to slow down, and focus on what really mattered.

This sounds all too familiar to me. My life has always been like EDSA at rush hour. There was hardly any time to "stop and smell the roses". It was always work, work, work because for the most part, I wanted to. Secondly, I had to. There was time when Anissa was 4 to about 6 years old, when it would be so normal for me to leave the office at 9pm. When I left that job, I took a 2-month respite and that was the only time I realized that my daughter had been having dinners with the Yaya all those years!

After 2 months though, it was back to the daily grind for me ... until 2 years ago. Still, it wasn't a choice I made when I left the corporate world in July of 2010. In fact, it was more forced than anything. But today, more than 2 years later, I'm seeing everything come into play. By everything, I'm referring to God's plan. I can't imagine being diagnosed with breast cancer and having to resign from work because I'm sick. It would've been more painful to do that.

The Lord forced me to slow down because I wouldn't have done it myself. When I left my last job, it was my Mom who first told me that it could be God's way of telling me to slow down and this time, take care of my kids on a full-time basis. Mother knows best? She was so right. I've been a stay-at-home Mom since then and despite having some difficulty adjusting to the new role, I've survived the past 2 years without much regret. Today, I'm truly thankful that I can focus 100% on getting better and not worry about work. I don't even have to think about how I'm going to get back into the employment scene after my treatments are over because at the moment, that is really not an option.

I thank God everyday for the opportunity to see my kids grow and be part of their lives like I never was in the past. I thank God for blessing me with the stay-at-home Mom status because it prepared me enough for what I'm going through right now.

I am so different from who I was when I wore suits and heels everyday. Sure I no longer get to swipe my credit card anytime I want, buy pretty things left and right on a whim, treat my kids to expensive shopping sprees every single weekend (to make up for lost time). But the rewards are huge. A small part of me still wishes I could be financially independent, which is why I have a small business in the works.

My life began to slow down 2 years ago and I can now see clearly why it did.

Nope, I no longer take myself too seriously nowadays. I may still be so OC sometimes, but that's really me. Otherwise, I'm cool. Here's proof.

Hehehe!

Closer to the weekend!!! 

3rd Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson # 3 : Life is too short to waste time hating anyone (or anything).

Another thing I had to work hard on, seriously. The word HATE is so easy to mouth right?

I hate the weather.
I hate my hair today.
I hate getting stuck in traffic when I'm in a rush!
I hate my teacher for giving me so much homework.
I hate the food in _______.
I hate him because he's such a pr*ck!

To some people, the word's part of their everyday vocabulary. Guilty! But like they say, age does certain things to you that you can't explain. It mellows you, for one. That's what it's done to me. I've come a long way from my war freak days (ask my best friends). I was never physically violent, but my passionate nature led me into the most embarrassing (in retrospect) situations I can now laugh so hard about. Back then though, my feistiness and short-temper were things I was truly proud of.

Because I'm really really passionate about things, I'd also very quickly feel hatred towards things or people. If something didn't work right, I'd hate it and never use it again. If someone did me wrong - intentionally or otherwise - I'd hate that person and write him/her off my list. Sure, I still do that nowadays. I know a lot of people do the same. But the word HATE and the intense feelings that go with it are quite a thing of the past already. Again, I truly believe it's a combination of age plus all the lessons life has taught me so far.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

I sure know what this means now. When you're told you have cancer, it automatically changes everything. Everything! My Mom told me that an illness is a real catalyst. It can change your life instantly. Your outlook, your mentality, your attitude --- it just turns everything around. This is what the cancer has done. Fortunately for me, regardless of the difficulty, I didn't allow the cancer to change me into a monster. I'm not saying I turned into a saint (that just sounds so funny). The cancer has given me the opportunity to see life differently and, therefore, see everything else with fresh eyes. Yes, fresh and not jaded. I may have been given cancer, but along with it came the most amazing transformations!

DO I STILL HATE?

I'll be totally honest. Of course I still do, especially when I'm not in the best of moods. But the difference is knowing when to hate and when not to, versus hating everything most of the time. When I do, I make sure I don't dwell on the negative feeling for too long. This is 'cause I've learned that it takes too much out of you. It's emotionally draining and it affects everyone around you because it'll show. I don't want to be a walking time bomb. This is exactly what you become when you fill yourself with negative thoughts and feelings. When you learn not to hate or hate a lot less than you normally do, you'll find that it's liberating, it makes you feel a lot lighter.

My emotional well-being is really so important to me right now. I recognize the need to be positive and to not focus on the cancer. Do I hate the cancer? I definitely don't love it, but I don't think I can say I ever hated it or I ever will. It's still not my friend, but even if that's the case, it's also given me so much that I should be thankful for. If only for that, I won't hate it.

Good night everyone, I hope you all had an uneventful day. Except for an unexpected blood test (Serum FSH), mine was.

1st of a Series on God Never Blinks

This book has been my constant companion ever since I bought it (from Fully Booked) more than a week ago. Unlike the many other books I've read in this lifetime, I'm not rushing to finish this one. In fact, I'm not even halfway done. It's the kind of book you'd want to be totally immersed in, because of all the lessons you take away from the author. I've had many lines glare at me, like they have lights all around them, because I can totally relate. I've had more than one "aha!" moment while reading it. I want to be able to bring it with me to chemo cycle 2 on the 20th, so I can distract myself from the psychological effect of the infusion. 

This is how much I love this book. I'm going to do a series of entries, focusing on each of the 50 lessons in it, and sharing my thoughts and personal experience. It will help me take stock of the many things this journey and my life in general, have taught me. Always good to note, right? 

Here we go...

LESSON #1 : Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

A friend asked me if I went through the usual stages when my Dad died and then, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I told her, "no". I was raised not to question God's will. I was taught that God, as the highest power, has full control over everyone's lives and can choose to do whatever He wants. We, as his children, follow His lead and never ever question. I recently realized that this was not entirely correct. God will not condemn us for questioning Him or His decisions. We are not like Him, we're human. We're allowed our little moments of anger and doubt. We CAN question Him. At the end of the day though, it's important to realize that despite the anger we feel towards Him, we should always return to Him and trust that He will hold our hands and walk with us. 

I never asked, "Why me, Lord??". I was afraid He might say, "Why NOT you? What is so special about you?". I don't feel I deserve to have breast cancer. I don't feel my children deserve to know that their mother is sick with cancer. I don't feel my Mom and my brother deserve the added pain of being told of my diagnosis, just 3 months after we lost my Dad. N doesn't deserve to be burdened with my illness because he's been so faithful to God in anything and everything. But life deals cards that you don't necessarily like. Life's like that. You just learn to swim with the current, make the most of the situation and know that despite all the difficulties, there is always something to be thankful for! 

The very first thing that came to mind when I found out I had breast cancer? 

THANK GOD, MY CHILDREN ARE HEALTHY! I thought about it again and again, internalized it and said thank you so many times, I've lost count. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to worry about my kids being sick with anything more than the flu. I was and still am so thankful that it's me He gave the cancer to. I'll forever be grateful for it. 

So yeah, life is unfair, I'll admit that. But I'll always be quick to follow it up ... it is still SO GOOD. 

Wishing everyone a great week ahead!