2nd Installment : God Never Blinks

LESSON #2 : When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

Sigh ... what can I say. I've had to really take this lesson seriously. I think it's my corporate experience of more than 2 decades that taught me to always look at the big picture, to always have foresight. Sometimes, it really doesn't help to look too far ahead. Let me tell you why I think this is the case.

When I first realized I could be sick --- take note, this was on the day I discovered the lump, 2 weeks before the actual diagnosis --- I immediately cried and worried. Horrible thoughts ran through my mind. My children, N, my Mom, my brother. My life in general. What will happen to my kids if anything happens to me? Will N be able to handle being Dad AND Mom? Will my Mom be able to survive another casualty in the family? And what about my brother??? What if ... what if ... what if ... 

I looked soooooooo far into the future without really fully understanding yet what was going on. I allowed fear to take over and basically rule my thoughts. What did that do to me? I can't begin to describe how horrible it felt. As soon as I came face to face with all these bad thoughts, it got even worse. 

BABY STEPS. 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

These are what I told myself after my Dad died. There's no point in trying to rush things. 

It's the same thing with my illness. I didn't achieve anything by getting ahead of myself and the entire situation. It didn't help that I got scared first, before anything and everything else. 

So yeah I was in doubt ... deep deep doubt at that. It took a couple of days before I took that next small step. I had to pray so hard for all the bad feelings to go away. I prayed with all my heart and asked the Lord to take over the situation. That was my next small step. I lifted everything up to Him. It was a baby step but it also felt so right. I know I did the right thing because pretty soon, He gave me the peace I needed, so I could focus on working with my doctors so I could get better. 

Since that day, I haven't looked back. There are good days and bad days. The bad days are few but when I'm having one, I just go back and take that same small step I took back then. After all, there really isn't much you can do on your own.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? Praying to God and surrendering everything sounds like a huge move and yet for me it was the "small step" I needed to take to get me out of that sink hole I was in. It was small because I couldn't see anything beyond it, but big because God turned it all around and saved me from my own terrible thoughts.