If you're an 80's kid, the title of this entry will sound familiar to you. It's from the song, "Human" by The Human League. I was reminded of it a few days ago when I gave in to a moment of weakness, because I realized that my hair or whatever little was left of it (after I went for the semi-kalbo look) continued to fall off. It could've also been one of those mood swings that my Onco told N and I to prepare for. Regardless of where it came from, I again applied my 15-minute strategy. I cried and cried and even asked Neal to come and hold my hand while I did (yeah, in the bathroom away from the kids' eyes). He sat there with me, told me to pray for acceptance, reassured me that he was right there, asked me what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go (I seriously thought of replying, "Disneyland, I wanna go to Disneyland right now. It's the happiest place on earth and I don't want to be anything but that!" or some other crazy kind of retort). If he had asked me if I wanted him to buy me something, I would've said, "Yeah, a Moynat Initial Canvas Bag in this particular color would be the best pick-me upper and I will love you 10x more!" 
But seriously, all I wanted to do at that particular moment was to cry and release all the painful feelings because they had no place in my already technically cancer-free body. N continued to soothe me and comfort me until the sobbing ended and I felt a lot better.
I got up, got ready for my Oncologist appointment and the rest of what happened that day is in this previous entry. I can't count the times that God must've said, "Uh oh, she's having one of those lapses again, time for me to intervene.". He always does. He did again this time, as you may have read in that previous entry. He sent my Oncologist to make me feel better, and even went another step further by showing me what a success story that man with cancer cells in his brain is. That same evening, I saw our hair stylist, Mary at Emphasis in Rockwell and I told her to get rid of all the remaining hair.
So yeah, what I'm really also trying to say here is ... I know that many think of me as strong, positive, cheerful and kick ass. I AM. But it doesn't mean I don't have my share of weak episodes. Another thing I've learned on this journey is to let go ... that includes letting go of all these emotions that can sometimes come rushing from nowhere and hit you at the most unexpected times. To let go is to allow God's grace to flow through your body. His grace and negative emotions can't co-exist. Peace will only come when you've allowed yourself to face the pain and then release it. Yup, I didn't think losing my hair would be this painful (no matter how many times I've heard other people say it). I thought I could handle it by repeating to myself, "It will grow back ... it's just hair." It was really painful to see it all go nonetheless. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not vain and I'm certain of that.
When the tears and the emotions came, I embraced them and allowed them to consume me ... but only so that I can let them all go. I'm alright now. I can look at myself in the mirror and not tear up. Sabine sometimes calls me Mommy Kalbo when she's in a playful mood. Anissa (N told me secretly) was worried when I first had my hair shaved, but he spoke to her and assured her I was okay.
It's Sunday ... I hope you all have a blessed one. I know I will.
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