50 Days and Counting!

It's been 50 days since I quit the habit. 

It all started in high school. One puff here, two sometimes. But it was never an everyday thing. In fact, I don't remember ever finishing one whole stick by myself back then. But then I went to college and although the environment was pretty much the same (all-girl school, nuns all around, blue and white uniform), there was a part within the school grounds that was tagged as a Smoking Area. So officially, I would say I started smoking when I was a college freshman. That was in 1986! By the time I quit, I had been smoking for more than 2 decades --- HORRORS. Of course I'm saying that just now. I really didn't think smoking was so bad back when I was addicted to it.

The only times I forgot about smoking was when I was pregnant. So that's twice, at 9 months each, plus the months I was breastfeeding (which wasn't long enough) ... I was off the habit for only about a couple of years in total. 

It didn't help that my entire barkada smoked. We were always with one another, you can imagine what it was like for anyone who would sit anywhere near us. 

I can never explain why I was hooked. Eventually, it became a stress-reliever. Each time I was problematic, it was the first thing I ran to for comfort. When it would get really bad at the office, a smoke break became mandatory for me. Even being at home at the end of the day didn't serve as a deterrent. We had a designated smoking area, the small patio beside the garage. 

My Dad never got tired of reprimanding and reminding me, even in front of my kids. At some point, he began to teach my kids to do the same. But none of these worked, not even Anissa's pleas were heard. She would often resort to hiding my cigarette packs when I wasn't looking. That's how stubborn I was. Smokers, I'm sure you can relate to my story.

When my Dad died, I thought I would feel guilty enough to stop, knowing that this was something he would've wanted me to do. I still didn't quit. In fact, because I was shocked and sad and in disbelief, the cigarettes became my source of comfort again. And during the wake, when it would get so busy, I would really find a few minutes to get away from my duties just to take a few puffs before diving into my many responsibilities again.

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. You would think I quit immediately, right? WRONG. I was upfront with my surgeons, I couldn't quit just yet. I was under so much stress and used the illness as an excuse. I knew I had to stop though, so I asked them to give me a deadline, which they did. I continued to smoke until the day came. When it did, I was smoking 'til midnight of that day! I was a real addict!

Today, I can't believe I've been smoke-free for 50 days. I can't believe I haven't lit up at all. 

Do I miss smoking? Sometimes, I do, most especially right after a full meal or while I'm having coffee. 

Do I crave for it? I haven't felt an intense craving so I'm good.

Am I quitting for good? I want to. That's the purpose. I didn't quit just because the doctors said I had to be nicotine-free for the surgeries. I quit for that PLUS the desire to completely turn my back on it. This is my chance and I need to grab it and make sure I'm fully-committed.

50 days is a huge achievement for me, but it's way too early to say I'm never going back to smoking. I pray about it everyday, especially whenever I'm out and I see people doing it. I can always back slide but I've gotten this far. I'm determined to give it my best, if only for my kids. 

I'm sooooooo sure my Dad is smiling at me and saying, "Finally, someone was able to knock some sense into you!"

This is probably the biggest change I'm going to make because of the cancer. The diet is only secondary, although I'm certain that will pose some kind of challenge as well. 

I'm proud of myself for having let go of something that I should've kicked years ago. More importantly, I made my loved ones happy by quitting. 

I'm praying for N to also realize he needs to quit --- soon!