Actual entry dated 23 August 2012
Day 12 - August 23, 2012
The day my life changed
INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA Stage 2A (early stage, thank GOD!!!) or more simply put, Breast Cancer. My surgeon confirmed it on this day. N and I sat down on her visitors' chairs and were told, "It's not good..."
I recall hearing those words like they were said a few seconds ago. It's been 3 days since then and I've never been the same.
It took me 3 days to start writing about it here, not because I had to recover from shock or anger. I didn't want to be abrupt, I wanted to make sure that every word is meant and comes from the heart.
My first reaction to the news? I paused for about 5 seconds when my surgeon said the words and then immediately, I buckled down to business. What's next? When do we do it? How is it going to be done? If there weren't a few others waiting for their turn at the clinic, I would've spent an hour or more just asking questions about my condition and how best to deal with this CRAP that's taken residence inside my body. But I had to keep it short so I made sure I covered only the most important ones, the ones my family will surely be asking me as soon as I tell them the news.
Anger was never an option. It would have taken up precious time, the time I needed to focus on praying and gathering information about this illness. Shock? Maybe a little. But it was so little, it hardly showed. Fear? I'm human, of course I'm scared. But it's not enough to bring me to a point where everything falls apart. My surgeon, before we left the clinic that afternoon asked me, "Did you know what was coming? Did you have a strong feeling that your lump was malignant?" I said, of course not! I was surprised and asked her why she was asking me that. She replied that it was what she thought, based on my reaction, which was totally calm and non-emotional. I didn't realize how quietly I took the news until she told me that. For this, I have to thank all those who prayed for me, because those prayers gave me the strength to accept God's will.
Breaking it to my family wasn't easy. After all, we're all still officially in mourning. However, I was amazed that I remained calm while I spoke to my Mom and Anissa. N took care of breaking it to my brother. I didn't have to convince myself not to cry while explaining things to them. I just didn't cry at all. My strength was coming from a higher power and I knew it in my bones.
Honestly, I worry more about the people around me because some of them didn't take the news too well. A few of my closest friends had to compose themselves first before deciding to call me up. Some have not even called because they're too emotional still. I wish they would so they could see how okay I am and I could comfort and reassure them.
It's been 3 days since I learned I have Breast Cancer. I don't feel much of a difference. I wake up each morning like usual, only 10 times blessed. The past 3 days have been so normal, just like any other day. The only difference? I feel loved like never before.
GOD'S LOVE IS MOST EVIDENT. He has filled me with the Holy Spirit and that's why I don't feel the need to worry or fear too much. This is such an amazing gift! To be able to say, "Oh crap! I have breast cancer!" and not throwing a fit or feeling sorry for myself.
I AM SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO CARE. The prayers haven't stopped. I know because this is precisely why I am strong and determined to beat this shitty illness.
I AM THANKFUL. This is so much better than having to worry about my kids' health. I wasn't spared but they were. That, to me, means so much and I will always be grateful for it.
IT'S BREAST CANCER, the most treatable kind and the easiest to manage. I am soooooooo blessed to have caught it in time!!! Two of my aunts (Mom's sisters) are survivors. I don't have to look far to see that this is not a death sentence.
Heavenly Father, thank you for your infinite love
For the gift of Your grace and for the courage I hold in my heart, which can only come from YOU
Strengthen me more as I begin my journey towards healing
Grant me the patience to continue to be still as I allow Your able hands to work on me
Continue to fill me with hope and positivity because these are what have made me understand why You put me in the exact place I am in right now
Never ever allow me to live in doubt or fear because I don't want to miss seeing all the great things You have lined up for me
Bless all those who have prayed for me and are still praying for me, for their love and genuine concern are what I need to reassure me on the not-so-good days
I know that the journey is just beginning and I'm never alone because You've brought me here and You'll be with me every step of the way
I thank you for these circumstances, which have helped me see things the way I've never ever seen them before
I'm ready for this challenge because You have strengthened me and given me the courage to face it with hope in my heart and complete confidence in You
So yes, I have the dreaded Big C and I'm officially a breast cancer patient.
One day, I will be cancer-free and you can call me a SURVIVOR.
Game face on!!!
(P.S. I've decided that I want to continue to chronicle my experience here, while writing about all the other stuff I'm so used to sharing --- fashion, parenting, food, travel. Someday, I'd like to be able to read back and see what I've gone through and be amazed at how God has helped me weather this storm.)
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