The Many Changes

It's been 2 months since I started undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. I've had three cycles of FEC (fluorouracil, epirubicin, cyclophosphamide) so far and I have 3 cycles to go. The 4th will most likely be on January 8, 2013 if my WBC count is acceptable. The 4th to 6th cycles will involve Taxotere, supposedly the nastier one (and yes, cost-wise too!). 

I AM HALFWAY THROUGH MY TREATMENTS.

That's really how I want to look at it, so I can stay positive and not dwell on the "bad" stuff too much. What bad stuff? After 3 doses of FEC, here's what's happened : 

-I've lost quite an amount of hair except my eyebrows and eyelashes

-My nails have a bit of dark discoloration (on both thumbs at the moment)

Note : a lot of cancer patients say this should happen when you start getting Taxotere but I noticed the discoloration about a week ago

-I tire quite easily on some days

-My right arm feels badly beaten, like I have arthritis or something like that. It feels bruised and this is because all the infusions so far happen on this arm. My left arm is spared because I had a mastectomy of the left breast.

All in all though? I'm told by my doctors that I'm part of the 10% who are blessed to not experience extreme difficulty post-treatment. I can't imagine what the 90% go through!

But frankly, I've been having some not-so-good days lately. I guess it's because of the holidays and it's mostly due to the fact that I'm missing my Dad a lot more. I cry at the drop of a hat and I tend to blame it on missing him. But there are times when the thought of having to go back to chemo treatments after the new year also pisses me off. I'm told that it's normal to start feeling this way because you really want to get it over with but you can't rush things. There was this ONE time I actually wanted to explore alternative medicine because I remember feeling so scared about the next 3 cycles with Taxotere. Deep inside though, I know I'll never want to ditch chemo because doing so won't give me the peace of mind I'll need. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with all the uncertainties that come with chemotherapy.

IT'S A MIND GAME.

Chemo feels like poison. But it's going to make me well. 

Can you focus on those statements for 2 minutes and tell me if you can reconcile them? 

I can't. 

Each cancer patient is different. I've gone through a few forums where (breast) cancer patients talk about how both FEC and Taxotere affected them. It's different for each person. But the common side effects of Taxotere, based on what I've read so far are these :

Bone pain (can be addressed by pain killers)

Numbness in the fingers and toes

Everything tastes bad

Mouth sores

"Trots" or diarrhea

And in some rare cases, your nails can fall off!!!

So tell me, how would you feel if you were in my shoes, waiting for the first dose of Taxotere???

It's like being at the starting line again, facing the unexpected.

CANCER IS NOT A FRIGGING GIFT.

There, I said it! 

I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who've been telling me how inspired you are by my strength. I'm not strong all the time. In fact, whenever I feel vulnerable and weak, I never ever deny it and I always allow myself to fall into that dark pit of despair. Why? Because the release does me well. I scream my head off (well, in my mind) and cry buckets of tears when I feel like it and I do it now without shame, unlike when this was all just starting. 

A friend who's also a breast cancer patient told me that no matter how strong and positive she was during her journey, there came a point when she just really didn't care about showing her weak side anymore. She had to or she would've gone nuts. So yeah, I'm entitled to fall every now and then. What matters is I know that I need to get up again and I do it each time. Needless to say, prayers help a great deal. 

Thanks for hearing me out. This wasn't meant to be an angry entry. I also don't mean to scare anyone, if any of you is on the same boat and just haven't spoken up. 

This is me keeping it real.