When Life Gives You Lemons...

How would you continue the statement?

I think the best way is still the original way : MAKE LEMONADE

One of the lemons I've been given on this journey is hair loss. It's been a load to deal with, psychologically and emotionally. The physical part is a given. Although I don't cry everytime I look at myself in the mirror (I only did once, I think, and for my self-imposed maximum of 10 minutes), but it does give you that feeling of sadness and it's the kind of sight that makes you sigh a little.

Who wouldn't react this way? You have a hairless head, no eyebrows, no eyelashes --- to start with! But yes, when life gives you lemons, you MUST try your best to make lemonades. It's the best way to get even!

And speaking of eyelashes, this was probably the hardest for me to address, because I was never an expert with false lashes. The few times I had to use them, it was the stylist at the salon who applied them to my lids. One of my best friends gifted me with a set from Benefit on my birthday last year, because she knew I'd need them. It took a while before I started using them because I was too intimidated. And when I did decide to open the box and try them on, it took me more than half an hour to get it right. HAHAHA!

Today, while waiting for my real lashes to grow back (no trace of growth yet 6 weeks after last chemo cycle), I can't say I'm already an expert, but I'm definitely more at ease. I just bought my 3rd pair of falsies at Beauty Bar last weekend (with Anissa's approval). Not bad for around P200 (no adhesive included). 

I chose this over all the others because I wanted the most natural-looking ones

I had to blur other parts of this photo because the rest of my face wasn't camera-ready yet hee hee!

 Up close ... just to show you how fine and natural the lashes are. And as you can see, my eyebrows are also still on vacation. Thank God I've been drawing my eyebrows for as long as I can remember, I can do it in my sleep!

You hardly see them in this photo but I still see a difference between this look and when I'm not wearing false lashes at all. So my verdict is ... if you don't like to call too much attention to your eyes, or if you're going out in the daytime and will be doing regular stuff, then this pair is a good choice. That's because they don't offer much drama, just the right kind of impact. 

I got these from The Beauty Bar (Eastwood Mall branch) but it's also available in our Beauty Bar branches. Now let's see how much longer I have to use them. Can't wait for all my natural hair to come back!

Hair Loss

I've never actively documented my hair loss here, have I? 

I started losing my hair exactly 2 weeks after I started chemo on October 23, 2012. This is what my Onco told me would happen and it did. Even her timing was spot on. Soon after that, all my other body parts with hair started losing them. Since then, I never really kept tabs. I guess that was my own way of dealing with it, so I won't have to dwell on the loss too much. Anyway, it's all temporary.

Yesterday though, while getting a much-needed massage, I asked my masseuse if she could feel hair growing on my legs and she said YES. I actually shaved after so many months! This prompted me to check all other body parts ... 

This is the first time I'm going to post a photo of me undone. Bare. No make up. This is not even the way I look at home because I don't want my kids to react too much to my hair loss. 

You will see that not all of my eyebrow hair fell off. I'm really thankful for that. But I can't say the same for my eyelashes. When I showed my eyes up close to Anissa last night after I came out of the shower, she was kinda shocked that my eyelashes are gone. 

Question is ... when will they start growing back? And when they do, is it gonna be like before or maybe thicker? I'm crossing my fingers that it's the latter. I didn't have thick or long lashes. 

Everything is temporary. Everything is temporary. 

I need to keep reminding myself that! 

Getting Wiggy With It

I've been waiting for the wigs from one of my best friends who's California-based. She told me she would send me a couple, through a friend who was flying to Manila. I finally got them today! 

I've never ever worn a wig before, not even as part of a costume. So I was kinda excited to try them out. I opened the box and the first thing I noticed was the color --- I fell in love! I hoped at least one of them would look good on me. 

Wig #1 - it's a bob, but the sides are longer than the back part

Wig #2 - has more pronounced layers, but my issue with it is the top part, which I think has too much volume, it looks bulky. Don't you think? I hope my hair stylist can do something about this because I also like this hairstyle.

Most of my friends on Facebook chose wig #1 and so did I. 

Here's what it looks like with the proper lighting

I really appreciate the fact that the colour (highlights) looks soooo good!

Do you agree with the majority about wig #1? 

Just an added note ... I know a lot have told me that I look okay even without a wig. Here's the thing ... while I'm extremely flattered, I know for a fact that I can't walk around bald all the time. There are certain occasions when wearing a wig will be called for. I've also realized that no matter how impolite it is, people WILL STARE. I'm guilty of doing this sometimes --- who isn't? And no matter how happy or positive I am about my situation, I get annoyed when people stare. I know because I've had my share of weird looks. Remember that I'm also peri-menopausing. I wouldn't want to lash out at anyone in public for staring at me and end up in a cat fight. LOL.

How did the start of your week go?

Of Flesh and Blood I'm Made

If you're an 80's kid, the title of this entry will sound familiar to you. It's from the song, "Human" by The Human League. I was reminded of it a few days ago when I gave in to a moment of weakness, because I realized that my hair or whatever little was left of it (after I went for the semi-kalbo look) continued to fall off. It could've also been one of those mood swings that my Onco told N and I to prepare for. Regardless of where it came from, I again applied my 15-minute strategy. I cried and cried and even asked Neal to come and hold my hand while I did (yeah, in the bathroom away from the kids' eyes). He sat there with me, told me to pray for acceptance, reassured me that he was right there, asked me what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go (I seriously thought of replying, "Disneyland, I wanna go to Disneyland right now. It's the happiest place on earth and I don't want to be anything but that!" or some other crazy kind of retort). If he had asked me if I wanted him to buy me something, I would've said, "Yeah, a Moynat Initial Canvas Bag in this particular color would be the best pick-me upper and I will love you 10x more!" 

But seriously, all I wanted to do at that particular moment was to cry and release all the painful feelings because they had no place in my already technically cancer-free body. N continued to soothe me and comfort me until the sobbing ended and I felt a lot better. 

I got up, got ready for my Oncologist appointment and the rest of what happened that day is in this previous entry. I can't count the times that God must've said, "Uh oh, she's having one of those lapses again, time for me to intervene.". He always does. He did again this time, as you may have read in that previous entry. He sent my Oncologist to make me feel better, and even went another step further by showing me what a success story that man with cancer cells in his brain is. That same evening, I saw our hair stylist, Mary at Emphasis in Rockwell and I told her to get rid of all the remaining hair. 

So yeah, what I'm really also trying to say here is ... I know that many think of me as strong, positive, cheerful and kick ass. I AM. But it doesn't mean I don't have my share of weak episodes. Another thing I've learned on this journey is to let go ... that includes letting go of all these emotions that can sometimes come rushing from nowhere and hit you at the most unexpected times. To let go is to allow God's grace to flow through your body. His grace and negative emotions can't co-exist. Peace will only come when you've allowed yourself to face the pain and then release it. Yup, I didn't think losing my hair would be this painful (no matter how many times I've heard  other people say it). I thought I could handle it by repeating to myself, "It will grow back ... it's just hair." It was really painful to see it all go nonetheless. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not vain and I'm certain of that. 

When the tears and the emotions came, I embraced them and allowed them to consume me ... but only so that I can let them all go. I'm alright now. I can look at myself in the mirror and not tear up. Sabine sometimes calls me Mommy Kalbo when she's in a playful mood. Anissa (N told me secretly) was worried when I first had my hair shaved, but he spoke to her and assured her I was okay. 

It's Sunday ... I hope you all have a blessed one. I know I will.