What A Day!

Actual entry date 9 October 2012

There are good days and there are bad days.

When people asked me how I was doing right after Daddy passed away, this is what I would always reply. It's true. Some days were a breeze and I would go through them as if I were not in mourning. Other days were a struggle to get through ... sometimes, it's difficult as early as the time I get up, until the time I'm ready to crash into bed. 

It's still the same for me today, close to 5 months since Daddy left us and now with another trial to deal with. I don't really like saying the "C " word. When I want to be funny and I want the mood to be light, I refer to those awful cells as the Chaka cells :D

Anyhoo ... today was one of those not-so-good days. I felt weighed down. Before anyone starts to think "wow, sayang naman! super positive ka na nga tapos ... " teka muna! *blows whistle* This is not because I've changed my mind about being positive and all feel-good despite being diagnosed with (early stage --- yes, sorry, I need to include this all the time because I want people to realize what a blessing it is to be told your cancer is in its early stage) breast cancer. I've not taken a different route and gone over the deep end, wallowing in self-pity and thinking the worst. There is really no room for that in my life at the moment. You can rest assured that any time I feel negativity creeping in, I'll do my best to stop it dead in its tracks. My breast surgeon has told me more than once that it's a super positive and upbeat attitude that will see anyone through any kind of illness. I absolutely believe she is right.

When it rains, it pours. That's really the best way to describe what today was like. Without being too specific, let's just say I literally felt like I needed someone to throw me a 

Yes, a lifesaver. I wish I could say I needed a piece of candy (ang corny ko), but I really had to be saved from drowning in worries. At one point, I stopped ... said a prayer and apologized to God for crying and worrying about things. I knew it wasn't what He wanted me to do but I had to keep it real as well. Bottling it all up was not the healthy choice. I just had to let it all out. 

Thank God for friends and the group chat feature on the iPhone, I had a venue to air out all my frustrations and receive encouraging words. It just helps a lot when you know you have someone (or a group) who can just listen to you and understand what you're going through, especially because they have gone through the same thing themselves.

In between sobs and stressful moments, I whispered prayers and called out to the heavens for help. I couldn't understand what was happening and why it was all happening at once, but I never questioned. I simply shouted for help so I/we could cope. 

It's never easy trying to be strong around the children, so I'm really glad that Sabine busied herself with stuff when she got home from school. She hardly noticed that something was bothering me. But when Anissa came home around dinner time, it became a challenge to put up a brave front. I keep forgetting that she's all of 16 years old and I can't really pretend around her anymore. She's old enough to know when something's off. So guess what, I did something I had never done since all these trials came. 

I CRIED AND LET GO IN FRONT OF MY OWN CHILD. 

This is something unthinkable under normal circumstances, because a parent's instinct is to always shield her/his child from a truth that is painful and bothersome to deal with. But I don't know what prompted me to do the opposite tonight, after years and years of protecting her. I think it was God behind all of this because even if I cried and made her cry as a result, we got to talk seriously about many things. The death of the grandfather who was so dear to her and who treated her like royalty, how much we all miss him and how life is really not the same without him,  the fact that Mommy is fighting breast cancer (the good way), her prayer life, how God works mysteriously, what having faith in God brings you in return and many more. At some point, Sabine who is always a pakialamera, asked if she could join our little chat and shared with us what she prays for everytime she goes to the chapel in school. What started out as a really emotional encounter ended up doing us all a lot of good. Too bad N wasn't there, he was busy working on something downstairs. 

Right now, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Who does? But I found this prayer and this will be my message for God tonight

I am very glad, Dear Lord that my bedtime has arrived. God, this has been such a difficult day for me to get through. My mind and body are so tired. It truly seems as though one problem after another has occurred today. But I was able to keep going, thanks to Your loving help. I need to rest now and to forget how trying this day has been for me. Do please bless me with a good night's sleep and when morning comes, let me feel refreshed and renewed. I pray that You will answer my prayer by making tomorrow a much better day for me.. I love You... Goodnight, Dear Lord.

If there's one thing I learned about today, it's that difficult days happen. I'm not special, I'm not an exception. We all go through them every now and then. We can only pray that when we have to go through tough situations and are overwhelmed by them, that the Lord takes us through it and we emerge stronger and wiser because of the lessons we take away from it. I have so many from today