A Hair Update

I haven't been here as often as I used to because there's nothing much to say. That's good, right? But for those of you who are actually following my journey, I decided to ask my eldest daughter, Anissa, to take a photo of my hair now. I had to send it to my stylist because I wanted her to see and figure out how to style it. 

OH.MY.GOSH. 

This is the first time I'm staring at it. I know that it's growing back curly but I didn't know just how it looked until now. I'm speechless. A part of me is so grateful and feels blessed because of all the hair that's growing back. But I've never had hair this curly (wavy aka sponghado, yes) and I really don't know how to maintain it. 

My "sisters" over at I Can Serve Foundation tell me this is usually the case when the hair is just starting to grow back after chemo. I also Googled and learned about what you call chemo curls. The curly hair is actually the result of all the damage the chemo did to the cells that determine hair texture (didn't even know those kinds of cells existed!). The article I read also states that most patients find that their hair eventually goes back to the way it was or close to what it was prior to chemo. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful but ... I'm praying my hair straightens out a bit eventually! 

For now, I'd have to see how my stylist can work on it to make the curls a little less "out there". 

Will update you all again as soon as I've fixed this! 

My Very Own Independence Day

September 12, 2012. 11am.

It’s been 9 months since that day. At around this time (6:22am) I was already awake in my hospital room at The Medical City, waiting to be prepped for the major surgeries that were going to take place that day. I was waiting to be brought to the hospital’s Nuclear Medicine Department for that all important “blue dye” shot that would travel to my lymph nodes. The surgeon needed this to be done so that she can identify the 3 lymph nodes she had to excise for testing. An extra procedure I gave her the go-signal to do so that we can find out right away if the cancer had spread to that part of my body. After an hour and a few extremely rare tears shed (that shot was PAINFUL!!!), I was back in the room with family and friends who wanted to pray for me and see me before I was taken into the OR.

It was at this time that I really felt the most helpless since I was told I had breast cancer weeks before. I lay on the bed in the waiting area of the OR and started to cry uncontrollably. It was a combination of fear and sadness, because my Dad suddenly occupied my thoughts. I kept asking God and him to be there for and with me all throughout the surgeries. Before I knew it and just seconds after my Anaesthesiologist told me she was going to put me to sleep, I lost consciousness. I didn’t wake up in the Recovery Room. Probably because the anaesthesia was so intense. I first opened my eyes as they were wheeling me back into my room on the 7th floor. It was Mama and my other helper who were there and it was late at night. I specifically told N to go home to be with the kids and not wait for me to come out of recovery. I was too groggy to ask but I was itching to know how the Frozen Section Biopsy (of my lymph nodes) went. I think I fell right back to sleep the minute my body touched my bed that night and woke up early the following day to wait for N to take Mama’s place.

As soon as I regained consciousness, my first question to them was this : Did they tell you if the cancer had spread? Did the biopsy turn out negative? And their answer was a very ecstatic YES THEY TOLD US EVEN BEFORE SURGERY ENDED AND YES IT TURNED OUT NEGATIVE!

That same day, the Anaesthesiologist came to see me to tell me the story. My Breast Surgeon, as soon as she opened up my left breast, saw how big the tumor was. It was 4cm. Everyone in the OR thought it was almost impossible for my lymph nodes to be uncompromised, given the size of the growth. They were all so shocked when the Pathologist came back about an hour later with her findings on the lymph nodes. They were all negative of cancer. In my Breast Surgeon’s own words, “Your cancer was so behaved it didn’t move! The tumor was big so I expected a few of your lymph nodes to be affected, but none were. All of them are okay.”.

You just can’t imagine what kind of joy I felt the moment N and Mama gave me the good news. It was my first ever taste of relief ever since the diagnosis and it felt heavenly. If only it were possible, I would’ve gone down on my knees to pray and thank the heavens for this gigantic blessing.

The cancer was in the tumor and nowhere else. September 12, 2012 was the day I technically became CANCER-FREE (the chemo cycles that followed were part of protocol and were only needed as a security measure, not to target any remaining cancer cells specifically).

So yeah, today I also remember my very own Independence Day 9 months ago, and how liberating it felt! I can’t believe it’s been that long.

To God be all the glory … always!

HAPPY PHILIPPINE INDEPENDENCE DAY TO ALL OF US!

Good news!!!

What an afternoon that was! I swear, it was like de ja vu. I had the tests as mentioned in my previous post. When the sonologist, while doing my Trans-V ultrasound, changed expressions, my heart raced! She found a growth, I saw it on the monitor.

Me : Ano yan? 

Sonologist : (silence)

You think I stopped there? 

Me : Miss, is that a cyst? 

Sonologist (finally heard me) : Yes, Ma’am pero okay lang yan. 

I didn’t know what to think. I panicked a little bit more when she stepped out of the room to talk to the doctor outside. 

Call me paranoid and nerbiyosa. I’ll be first to admit that I am. Plus yon na nga, when you’ve been told previously that you have cancer, going through tests like this will really make you feel anxious. I’m surprised I was still able to eat a hearty lunch prior to the ultrasound.

I had to bring my ultrasound and blood chem plus hematology results to my Onco at 3pm. On the sheet of paper, I read somewhere that they found a small myoma. A myoma is really common and it’s not necessarily cancer. Still. I was worried! I hate it when I feel that way. I hated it even more when the nurse at the clinic told me I was #10! Sometimes I don’t like the fact that my Oncologist is popular. It was going to be a long wait … an agonizing one.

Thanks talaga to technology, I was able to distract myself while waiting in the reception area. I managed to play a few Candy Crush rounds, too. About an hour later, I was finally ushered into her clinic. We said our hi’s and hello’s and I handed over the results to her.

Me : Doctora, they found something in the ultrasound. 

Doc : Really? Goes over the results

I wanted to faint. I felt my heartbeat and it was going so fast. Prayed, prayed, prayed. 

Doc : It’s a myoma but it’s nothing. 

Me : Nothing? You mean we don’t need to do anything? Don’t we need to take it out? 

Doc : No, it’s so tiny! 

You know what this feels like, right? The term “nabunutan ng tinik” can certainly describe what I felt at that precise moment!

I thought of N, the kids, my Mom, my brother, even my Dad and I wanted to cry right there.

Oh and before I forget! I AM IN REMISSION. I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. Remission in the case of a cancer patient is when there are no signs nor symptoms of cancer in the body. ZERO. NADA. ZILCH. WALA!!!

All I could think about as I left the hospital earlier was … WOW I’M IN REMISSION. WOW.

I have an amazing God. That’s all I can say.

P.S. Lord, since you are so amazing … please help me lose the 7 lbs I gained since March. Thank you! Amen

What a difference a month makes

A month ago today, I posted this photo ...

It's raw and I didn't use any filters. I wanted everyone to see how my hair is growing back. Can you see all the grays (upper left)? That's a d*mb question. Of course you can see them! There are way too many! I'm just so glad I organic hair color that I can buy over-the-counter anytime I need it.

Fast forward to today. It's been exactly one month since the photo above was taken. Here is what my hair looks like now (photo taken less than 24 hours ago).

4 weeks and my hair looks and feels and IS thicker already!

If you're in chemo right now, eyes on the prize! This is life after chemo for me. This is going to be your life too!

I'm still here!

I guess this is what happens when your life returns to normal after chemo treatments. You forget that you have a blog about breast cancer and you go on with your life. That's still a good thing, isn't it? Sorry for being away for a while. I've been quite busy with my main blog, which I migrated to another site. I bought my own domain (been blogging since 2005!) and even got and paid for a web designer to re-do my site's overall look. 

THIS is where my main blog is, if anyone is interested to follow. Yes, I have a life and a busy one at that! 

It's been quiet on the breast cancer front though. I'm on Tamoxifen still and my next Oncologist visit is up (early June). My hair has grown steadily since the last post. It's my eyelashes that are coming back ever so slowly, I'm being really patient about this. It's alright, I've gotten the hang of using false lashes and I actually have 4 different pairs of them for every situation/occasion hee hee. But hair is coming back everywhere! I think I've forgotten how to use a razor hahaha! 

There IS something specific I would like to share though, to those of you whose hair is growing back like mine but need to dye all the grey hairs coming out. I'm told this is a common problem for us survivors. I recently walked into the PCX branch in Power Plant Mall and was looking at all the available hair dyes on their shelves. I was somewhat disappointed that I couldn't find a brand that was either organic or all-natural. Until ... 

The one on the extreme left (green packaging, black dye) is the only one that's labeled as ORGANIC. All the others are colored and don't have the same label on the pack. It just says NATURAL. Just as well because I needed the black one. I picked up a pack and was pleasantly surprised to find that it only costs P50.00 each (P60.00 each for the colored ones). And since my hair has not grown back totally, I really needed just one sachet. I went home, followed the instructions and was happy with what I saw. 

The dye can last up to 3 weeks. I'm practically due for a re-touch. Thanks to this, I can finally stop wearing bandanas and go G.I. Jane! 

Have a Happy Thursday! 

Hair Update

See all the greys? Augh! I can't wait to dye my hair ... soon!

I am beautiful no matter what I think

Thanks to Tin who tweeted about it, I came across this video which Marc wrote an entry about. It IS true, if you're a man (husband, brother, father, whatever...) you never ever want to find yourself in the middle of a discussion about a woman's looks. Whether it be her face or her body - more so her body! If for some unfortunate reason you find yourself in one, learn from it and charge it to experience haha. It really is a delicate topic. Is it universally delicate? Yes, as the video tells us. The issue exists in women everywhere.

Here's why this video made me cry.

I'm 44 with 2 kids, my body isn't what it used to be. But things became even more "complicated" after my breast cancer diagnosis and the surgeries that had to be done. Everyone knows what a mastectomy is, right? A part of me - a body part that helps define a woman, the size of which sometimes impacts a woman's self-worth (admit it!) - had to be taken away. At 44, I have one less breast. I struggled with this in the beginning, even if I had the breast reconstructed. I cried about it, even if I knew that having it removed was part of my treatment plan and would eventually lead to my healing. In light moments when talking to friends about it, I would tell them, "Pun*eta, flat-chested na nga, mababawasan pa.". I got over it right away though. I prayed hard for comfort and strength and the Lord was so kind to me. In no time, I was okay with it. I even bravely explained it to my girls and honestly to me at that exact time, all that mattered was I was going to be better off without it.

I didn't cry while watching this video because I went back to that dark place. I'm still okay with one reconstructed breast (by the way, a reconstructed breast does NOT look like a normal one still), N doesn't seem to care at all about it (and if he does after all, I'm going to throw him an upper cut). I certainly don't have any issues. Not anymore. I look at myself in the mirror all the time, unlike other women I know who still can't or who feel a discomfort when doing so. The breast is gone but so is the cancerous tumor that was there. That's all that matters to me.

A slightly protruding tummy
The onset of varicose veins
Crow's feet
Laugh lines
A double chin
My c-section scar
My appendectomy scar
My tummy tuck scar (not an aesthetic procedure, I had to have it in relation to the breast recon)

And now ... a mastectomized and reconstructed left breast

All these, when looked at without much thought, are not so pleasant reminders. But when I look at them long enough, I see something else. They're badges of honor and I've learned to look at them with pride in my heart, instead of sama ng loob.

Of course I would still love to look good in a bikini at this age. What other mothers would give to be able to fit into one beautifully after having children! I'm never going to deny that there's a part of me that's going to continue to wish for that. But I'm all good if it doesn't happen.

What a way to begin my Sunday. I teared up again while watching this. I'm sure you will, too.

"I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends that we make, the jobs we apply for, how we treat our children. It impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness."

"We spend a lot of time as women, analyzing and trying to fix the things that aren't quite right when we should spend more time appreciating the things that we do like."

Have a blessed Sunday!

Beautiful Words

I rarely share photos and links from other Facebook pages, but I had to make an exception while perusing my newsfeed this morning. I've been following this account that's called "Eat and Cheat Cancer Book Project", because a co-Pink Warrior is part of it and I'm interested to know what's going to be in the book. This morning, whoever is managing this account shared this :

LEAP OF FAITH
by Blanca, Volunteer and Contributing Writer

Answered prayers are not magic, they're miracles and love. And since they're love, the answer is not always a yes. Sometimes its difficult to understand why certain things happen or why things did not go as planned. Yes we know that they do happen for a reason but many times, the reason is simply lost to us.

Our faith dictates us though to trust that everything will make sense in the future. To believe with all our heart that God will reveal His great design for us in His own perfect time. It moves us to wait patiently without questioning His purpose nor demand for an answer.

His loving grace will aid us as we come to terms with our current situation. We are never alone in our painful journey, He's just right there beside us. Sometimes, we are just blinded by fear and numbed by pain that we fail to see and feel His presence.

When we want to do little else but pull pur hair out or throw our hands up in the in frustration, there's always heaven to look up to and God to call on. When we want nothing but to run up to the hills screaming in despair, there's that peak at the top where we can take that big leap of faith. God is just right there waiting to catch us with open arms.

Whoever Blanca is, I'm hoping she doesn't mind that I'm using her words as basis for this entry. They're very touching, make so much sense to me as I've never had anything so intense test my faith in God before. Never. So I know that this girl, whoever she is, must have gone through something life-changing herself.

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones. While I didn't understand at first why my Dad passed away the way he did  (he wasn't sick, there were none of those usual premonitions, we were totally shocked), God was so quick to show me and my family why it had to happen. I couldn't believe it. I thought I would have to wait a while, trust Him more, before He revealed the truth to us. But He truly is merciful, He saw my struggle to understand amidst having to deal with my breast cancer diagnosis while in the thick of mourning my Dad's death. Being made to understand why certain unfortunate incidents happen to you is relieving, comforting. I don't think I can be comforted enough while I continue to feel the huge void my Dad's death has left behind. But I at least know why it's there. I'll get to that comfort zone one day. Hopefully it won't take very long.

And no, this won't be a sad weekend. In fact, I'm going to be busy attending celebrations!

Happy Weekend, everyone! God bless us all!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

New Friends

Last week, I was invited by a friend to brunch. It was a group gathering of other women breast cancer patients and survivors. I accepted the invitation without hesitation! 

I consider it a blessing when new people are ushered into my life. Don't you? There is always a reason for people being introduced to you under whatever circumstance. I've always strongly believed in that. 

I don't really need to know why these women were introduced to me. We all related to one another. Some have been cancer-free for years now, a few of us are recent graduates (meaning, 2 years or less), a couple have ongoing treatments. But regardless of where we are today, we have all been in the same place before. The same dark, sad, depressing, scary, angry place. It's a place that's extremely familiar to each of us. It is somewhere all of us hope and pray to never be taken back to again.

I can't count the number of people I've met since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. But I'm thankful for all of them. There are even a few I haven't seen in the flesh yet, thanks to technology, which makes it possible to be friends with people even from afar and minus the benefit of a formal introduction. One day I'll meet and come face to face with my new-found online breast cancer buddies. One day.

Unfortunately, because I was so engrossed in people's stories, I failed to take a photo of the group. I'll update this post as soon as I get a copy from one of the girls who had a camera with her.

ENJOY THE WEEKEND! 

Blessings!

Hair Update

Exactly 7 weeks after my last chemo cycle, this is what my head looks like

I don't check everyday so I was really super happy while staring at these photos. I can't believe I've got strands and strands of hair again. Short strands, but strands nonetheless! 

Another 3 or so months and I'll probably be going to my stylist to have my first post-chemo haircut. 

PRAISE GOD!

Can't wait, can't wait!

Hot Frigging Flashes, I Hate You

If you're experiencing them for the first time, how do you know? 

I've heard the term "hot flashes" a lot from my Mom and aunts. But I never took it seriously until my Onco told me to prepare for them. How am I supposed to know when it's happening? 

I can't really tell 100% if it's hot flashes I've been experiencing but I have no other recourse. It can't be anything else. 

It's like this sudden gush of heat which originates from my scalp and it stays that way for a few minutes. Happens anytime, anywhere. The reason I'm suspicious is 'cause even when I'm in an airconditioned place, it will hit me and it will feel like the airconditioner suddenly malfunctioned. 

So I guess, this is really it? 

I'm told that the feeling is not the same for everyone. All I know is that this has never happened to me before and the first time I felt it, my gut really told me it was a hot flash.

WOW.

I have mixed emotions, actually. I'm 44 and having hot flashes. Under normal circumstances, you don't menopause at 44. But yeah ... these are not normal circumstances I'm in. LOL. 

Please please don't let me be a psycho like my Mom was. Hihihi. But it's true!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

How would you continue the statement?

I think the best way is still the original way : MAKE LEMONADE

One of the lemons I've been given on this journey is hair loss. It's been a load to deal with, psychologically and emotionally. The physical part is a given. Although I don't cry everytime I look at myself in the mirror (I only did once, I think, and for my self-imposed maximum of 10 minutes), but it does give you that feeling of sadness and it's the kind of sight that makes you sigh a little.

Who wouldn't react this way? You have a hairless head, no eyebrows, no eyelashes --- to start with! But yes, when life gives you lemons, you MUST try your best to make lemonades. It's the best way to get even!

And speaking of eyelashes, this was probably the hardest for me to address, because I was never an expert with false lashes. The few times I had to use them, it was the stylist at the salon who applied them to my lids. One of my best friends gifted me with a set from Benefit on my birthday last year, because she knew I'd need them. It took a while before I started using them because I was too intimidated. And when I did decide to open the box and try them on, it took me more than half an hour to get it right. HAHAHA!

Today, while waiting for my real lashes to grow back (no trace of growth yet 6 weeks after last chemo cycle), I can't say I'm already an expert, but I'm definitely more at ease. I just bought my 3rd pair of falsies at Beauty Bar last weekend (with Anissa's approval). Not bad for around P200 (no adhesive included). 

I chose this over all the others because I wanted the most natural-looking ones

I had to blur other parts of this photo because the rest of my face wasn't camera-ready yet hee hee!

 Up close ... just to show you how fine and natural the lashes are. And as you can see, my eyebrows are also still on vacation. Thank God I've been drawing my eyebrows for as long as I can remember, I can do it in my sleep!

You hardly see them in this photo but I still see a difference between this look and when I'm not wearing false lashes at all. So my verdict is ... if you don't like to call too much attention to your eyes, or if you're going out in the daytime and will be doing regular stuff, then this pair is a good choice. That's because they don't offer much drama, just the right kind of impact. 

I got these from The Beauty Bar (Eastwood Mall branch) but it's also available in our Beauty Bar branches. Now let's see how much longer I have to use them. Can't wait for all my natural hair to come back!

Good News : Nails are recovering

Other cancer patients/survivors will have stories to tell about how treatments have caused many physical changes to their bodies. Other than losing all my hair, the other thing I've had to deal with is nail discoloration --- both on my fingers and toes. This didn't happen to all my nails, though. Just the ones on the thumbs, big toes and a little on the forefingers and the 2nd toes (is that what call them?). 

It's a good thing I'm so used to wearing nail polish, I can't live without color on my nails. I'm exaggerating of course but you know what I mean. 

Now that I think about it, I should've taken photos of my nails too, to show the kind of damage chemotherapy caused and how much better they look today. I didn't have it bad unlike others who actually saw their nails fall off. Mine were discolored, grayish on the part of the nail bed closest to the skin. That's it. Truly lucky to have had this and nothing worse. 

Today, my friendly nail tech, the same one who's been working on me for years now told me, my nails are actually growing anew. YAHOO!!! 

But because the discoloration is still slightly obvious, I can't choose to wear light shades of nail polish just yet. Not a biggie. Red has always been my default color. 

This is Essie A-List, one of my favorite red shades

Absolutely no trace of the discoloration. It's enough that people stare at me in my head scarf. I don't need to give them more reason to look and wonder. (Sometimes I get really tempted to stare back, depending on my mood haha)

Going back ... this is one of the things I've been thinking about : do I now totally switch to organic nail polish? I have no doubt that I need to do that with hair color. But nail polish ... is it a must? There aren't too many options out there. I think I'm gonna give it more thought, backed up by research. 

Hope you're all having a productive week so far. Be safe.

God bless us all!

Officially on Tamoxifen

For the next 2 years, at least. Unlike most recovering breast cancer patients who take it for 5 years, I am highly-suspected of already being on perimenopause stage. As soon as this is confirmed again (for the 3rd time by looking at my FSH level), then I won't need to drink Tamoxifen for 5 years as was communicated to me not just by my Oncologist but also by my Ob-Gyne and Breast Surgeon.

As I embark on this new phase of my journey, I pray that the Tamoxifen does its job but I also pray that my family doesn't suffer much from my being menopausal. They've all gone through so much already since this all started. 

Incidentally, it's Good Friday. We are home and we intend to stay put and be quiet. 

Here's a prayer I would like to share to all of you

A prayerful and peaceful Good Friday to all.

Dancing to Happy News

Today was my first visit to my Oncologist after chemo ended last February 21st. I had my blood extracted the other day --- yup, 3 vials of them because she needs to check on more than the usual. 

I went to her with the results. Although they seemed to look good and within normal ranges, there were a few others that I didn't know how to interpret so I (kinda) nervously waited for her to tell me what these meant.

"Beautiful, I'm so happy! Your tumor markers (breast and ovaries) are also down!"

These were her words, they were music to my ears! 

I continue to be thankful for the healing and for the many other blessings my family and I have received. I'm officially going to be on Tamoxifen starting tomorrow for the next 5 years. 

My next date with the Oncologist is in early June and for the first 2 years, I'm going to go on dates with her every quarter. My post-chemo scan takes place in September to coincide with the first anniversary of my mastectomy and reconstructive breast surgeries.

THANK YOU, DEAR LORD! 

YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL!!!

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! 

Hello, Summer!

Yes, I've been quiet. I had to deal with my kids being sick at the same time --- a very rare occurence in this household. I also had to make sure I didn't catch the virus they had. The little girl had a really bad cough and high fever, while the teenager had a bad case of the sniffles and high fever as well. They were both sick for a whole week and during their 3rd term exams in school. It was the first time ever that my kids were forced to miss taking their exams. Mom was a bit stressed out, worried that this might be dengue. Fortunately for all of us, it turned out to be just a virus. Nevertheless, it was nasty but I'm glad that's all over now.

It's the week after and they're both taking special exams in school. I, on the other hand, am feeling better but still not normal. I've started going out and doing the usual stuff. But I still can't over-exert myself. My legs still suffer the most everytime I'm tired. Is that strange or what? 

It's summer, the kids will be busy and so will I. I'm hoping these Lola Legs will soon cease to exist.

I got a much-needed massage yesterday and it felt good because I had it mostly on my feet and legs. 

Scheduled to do blood extraction today so I can see my counts when I visit my Oncologist again either tomorrow or Friday. Keeping my fingers crossed! 

How's everyone doing? I've been praying a lot for those in my circle, as well as some who are newly-diagnosed, who are friends of friends or acquaintances. 

It's Been 6 Months!

This time, I'm referring to my surgeries : the mastectomy and the reconstruction. I can't believe that's like half a year that just flew by. I still remember that day as if it happened very recently.

I checked in after dinner on the evening of September 11, 2012

The procedures were done the following day, after lunch, and lasted more than the expected 8 hours!

This photo was taken 3 days later when all of the narcotics were finally out of my system. How heavenly it felt! Seriously, the drugs helped but when they were starting to wear off I felt like shit.

And this was on the day I went home from the hospital. I cried the minute I got home. I was away for 7 days and didn't have a choice.

Today, I am thankful to be where I am, feeling like the life I'm living is brand new.

I thank the good Lord for all of His blessings and I look forward to more.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Fatigue After Chemo

If you think you're in the clear once chemotherapy sessions are over, think again. Atleast that's what I keep telling myself lately. I obviously wasn't ready for what was to happen after chemo. I thought all I needed was a week (tops) to recover ... just like in the past. It's been over 2 weeks since my last cycle and I can tell my body isn't back to normal.

I feel so much better today, there are no more side effects to deal with (i.e. metallic taste, consistent body pain) but I have a long way to go to feeling 100% normal again.

The other day, I was bored so I tried to look for a Zumba (beginners) video on YouTube. I found one, tried it and BOY! After less than 2 minutes, I couldn't go any longer. I felt like I'd been dancing for half an hour. That's how I know I'm not normal yet. Also last Friday, I went out to support my eldest daughter at a dance competition and was away from home for a total of 8 hours. Didn't do much except sit down and watch but the next day, I was so tired I slept for the most part of the day.

One thing's for sure ... I can't go back to full time work. Not just yet. I've been toying around with the idea of doing so, but I need more time to recover. Otherwise, I'd be going on sick leave so often until my boss decides to kick me out. 

It's Sunday today, I'm still on rest mode after that long day I had last Friday. Just as well because the little girl was down with a cough and fever yesterday and needs to rest as well. 

Here's a helpful article I found on how to deal with fatigue after chemo treatments:

http://www.ccsb.org/upload/Image/Thrivership/fatigue_after_chemo.pdf

Happy Sunday to all! 

Hair Update

More than 4 months since my very first chemo cycle and exactly 2 weeks since the 6th and last, here is what my head looks like 

Not bad, huh? I mean, just don't look at all the grey strands (if you can see them). I consider myself fortunate that the hair started to grow back even before treatments ended, and even when my Onco said some of it might still fall off. None of them did :) 

I can't wait to have a full head of hair again. Right now, I can't really tell what my hair's going to be like. They say it won't be the same as before, it never is. Staring at this photo, it looks like it's going to be wavy bordering on curly. We'll just have to wait and see!

It's finally the weekend! I hope you all have a good one. I know I will. 

God bless us all ... 

Lola Legs

I don't know why, but it's my legs that have suffered the most in this final chemo episode. Initially, my concern was that the side effect (body pain) was here much longer than the usual. I attributed it to the fact that this was already my 6th cycle and let's face it, chemo really does take its toll on a person's body. 

I'm really very impatient by nature, so a week after that last cycle, I began to wonder and I texted my Oncologist. She said this is really normal, plus it's different for each person (I've said that a million times here, haven't I?). Just ride it out and think of it as the last time you're going to feel any discomfort because you're done with chemo --- this was her reply to me. 

She had a point, obviously. But when you're there at the finish line and yet your recovery isn't complete because it's taking longer than usual, what would YOU feel? 

Today's Thursday, it's been 2 weeks since February 21, my last chemo cycle. There's still a bit of discomfort in my legs. They feel like I went hiking the day before. When I'm still, they're fine. But when I try to get up from where I'm seated, they feel tired. But they get better everyday. I don't take Paracetamol for relief because I don't need it, really. Not a pill popper, remember? 

It's okay, I can do this. I can continue to be thankful amidst the continuing discomfort. But please ... I hope you go away for good very very soon!!! 

6 Months!

Six months ago today, I woke up to my first ever cigarette-free day since I first lit up many years ago. The night before that (September 1), I took my last puffs on a stick of Mild Sevens (original). It was shortly before midnight. At midnight, a mental alarm clock was to go off because that was the signal, the deadline. It was what I agreed to do and what I promised my Breast Surgeon I would do to prepare for surgery. But when I took my last puff, it wasn't because I wanted to be "clean" for surgery. I wanted to be clean. Period.

For so long before that, Anissa tried desperately to make me kick the habit. Her Dad, my ex-husband, is also a smoker. She worked hard to make us both quit. Today, she only has to worry about one parent smoking, and it's not me. 

Wow, six months. I still can't believe I was able to do it. Smoking had become a huge part of my life. I smoked everytime I was bored, stressed, angry, full, having coffee, sad, happy ... I had an excuse for it each time. I simply wanted to smoke. It was something I had grown so used to. I couldn't imagine going anywhere without cigarettes. Even my Dad, whom I respected so much and feared most of the time, wasn't able to convince me to quit smoking. I am so sure he's smiling down from heaven today. I'm glad I'm making him proud even from where he is. 

Now my problem is how to get N to quit. He's still at it, even if most of the time he's lonely. Hahaha. Seriously, I need to find a way to gently convince him to join me. I know I can't be forceful (that really doesn't work), but I hope I find the trick somehow. 

In the meantime, I'm giving myself twin pats on the back for a job well done!

To Do : Exercise

Moving forward, I need to seriously get into some form of exercise from now on. Or atleast once my Onco gives me the go signal. Yes, I have been (and I'm so ashamed to admit it) sedentary for the most part of my life, most especially after childbirth. I'd love to go back to my first love which is dancing. But the easiest to do would be to brisk walk around the small gated community where we live.

I'm already looking into buying the right kind of shoes to make sure I'm well-equipped. 

Puma Voltaic 4 MT, about US$80

New Balance 735, around U$60.00

Nike Free Run iD, around U$130. It comes in so many yummy colors! They're running shoes but what the heck?


Whatever I end up with, I hope to God I'll be able to use it everyday, because that's how often my Onco wants me to walk around --- twice a day at that. Early morning and after dinner. 

This is serious business. Let's do it!

Hair Loss

I've never actively documented my hair loss here, have I? 

I started losing my hair exactly 2 weeks after I started chemo on October 23, 2012. This is what my Onco told me would happen and it did. Even her timing was spot on. Soon after that, all my other body parts with hair started losing them. Since then, I never really kept tabs. I guess that was my own way of dealing with it, so I won't have to dwell on the loss too much. Anyway, it's all temporary.

Yesterday though, while getting a much-needed massage, I asked my masseuse if she could feel hair growing on my legs and she said YES. I actually shaved after so many months! This prompted me to check all other body parts ... 

This is the first time I'm going to post a photo of me undone. Bare. No make up. This is not even the way I look at home because I don't want my kids to react too much to my hair loss. 

You will see that not all of my eyebrow hair fell off. I'm really thankful for that. But I can't say the same for my eyelashes. When I showed my eyes up close to Anissa last night after I came out of the shower, she was kinda shocked that my eyelashes are gone. 

Question is ... when will they start growing back? And when they do, is it gonna be like before or maybe thicker? I'm crossing my fingers that it's the latter. I didn't have thick or long lashes. 

Everything is temporary. Everything is temporary. 

I need to keep reminding myself that! 

Slowly But Surely

I've been awfully quiet, thanks to that last chemo cycle. I guess nothing good really comes easy. I graduated but this is, by far, the longest down time I've had post-chemo. I've been in bed since Sunday. I finally got my first WBC booster shot last night and I'm thinking I'm able to do this entry because of that. I'm up long enough to type and watch a few downloaded TV shows. Sunday to Tuesday, I was as good as drugged, even if I wasn't. I would wake up only to go to the bathroom or eat. The rest of the time, I was so out of it. I don't know how others can be in chemo and working at the same time. It would have to take so much effort to achieve that. 

Today is slightly better than the past few days, albeit with still a bit of body pain. I had to take a Valium last night and that's rare. I just wanted to make sure I slept soundly without any interruption. 

I'm just really looking forward to the good days ... of which there will be a lot of from now on.

Downtime Monday

It's been 4 days since my last (literally) chemo cycle and as always, as expected ... I'm officially in downtime mode. I've been this way since yesterday, which was quite a surprise. Usually, the 3rd day is slow but not extremely slow. I slept like 80% of the time yesterday and I couldn't control it. I was SLEEPY and that was that. Whenever this happens, I go with the flow. I treat it as my body's way of forcing me to rest. The muscle pain started yesterday, slightly. Today, it's more intense but not in any way painful or difficult to tolerate. I just might pop a Celebrex later on, maybe close to or after lunch so I can relax more in the afternoon.

No school today, it's the anniversary of the Edsa Revolution. I wish I could go get a mani pedi but being in bed is really the more appropriate thing to do. Besides, I thought I could catch up on my shows yesterday but I couldn't. Maybe today's the day to do that.

Hope you're all having a quiet and well-deserved long weekend! 

Hello There, Hair!

I haven't been saying much about my hair growth because I wanted to be absolutely sure I wasn't jinxing anything. I noticed that my scalp started to look slightly darker than usual, right before my 5th chemo cycle last January 31st. I told my Onco about it and she said it will shed some more because I wasn't done with treatments yet. I was okay with that, not really disappointed. But I watched and waited and didn't notice any shedding at all. In fact, I have more hair than the day I first noticed that it was coming back. Here's the latest photo of my nicely-shaped head (yeah I'm really proud of this fact) taken this morning, just a half hour ago to be exact. 

I used a filter just to highlight because you really wouldn't be able to see much from the way my small walk-in bathroom area is lit. Have I noticed any changes in my hair? People have told me that after treatments, your hair could grow differently from what you've been used to all your life. Some had straight hair prior to Cancer and got curly hair after chemo. Some say it's the other way around. A few have said that when their hair started to grow, everything was gray! But the most common I've heard so far is that the hair feels brand new, soft to the touch, like freshly-grown hair on a baby's head. Interesting. I can't say that for sure yet, still too short at this point. I'm just so glad I can see it coming back, slowly but surely. I do notice some parts that are growing out gray, but it's nothing new to me. I had been coloring my roots for years before my diagnosis. Premature gray hair runs in the family (thanks, Daddy! haha!). So it's not like I was shocked and got depressed when I saw all the gray hairs come out. So used to them already. 

Time to start seriousy looking at organic hair colour in boxes! I've seen a few brands on the shelves of Healthy Options stores. I need to read up and ask around for the most recommended brand and grab my very first box soon. 

Have a happy Saturday y'all! 

I'm a Chemo Graduate!

Yesterday was much-anticipated. I had my 6th and last chemo cycle. 

Unlike the previous times, I didn't feel too anxious about going. There was still a bit of anxiety (because  it is so normal to feel this way even after several cycles) but it was too tiny to matter. The predominant feeling was excitement. I just wanted to get it over with! 

Here we were in the car, on the way to The Medical City

Can I just say that my N deserves an award for perfect attendance? He has never missed the chance to accompany me to a chemo session and for that, I'm really really grateful. 

The cycle went without major hitches. My main concern was my veins. I prayed that there wouldn't be a problem, given that this was already my 6th and some patients I know had vein issues way before this time. I prayed so hard that my Onco wouldn't have to resort to any drastic measures just to push through with the infusion. She said the vein had gone into hiding already BUT there was another one that looked good ... alleluia! She used that vein instead, but wait ... the insertion was 2x as painful. I cringed a bit, and I never cringed before --- ever! She explained that it was a virgin vein that's why it hurt a little bit more than usual. After that, it was all good. I went to sleep (thanks to the Benadryl) and stayed groggy for a good 1/2 hrs. I soon recovered and the grogginess went away. I was wide awake. 

Soon after, we received an unexpected visitor. My SIL's friend who's also based in Vietnam but is here to take care of his Mom who has stage 4 Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma and has been confined at The Medical City since November of last year. He kept us both occupied until my pump sounded off the end of the session! Thanks, Richie ... big help keeping my mind off my Frienemy! Your Mom will be in our prayers from now on. Fight! 

When the needle was taken out and I had done my thing in the restroom for the Nth time (yes, chemo makes you pee a lot), it was time to say goodbye to the Chemo Unit nurses who have taken care of me each time I was there these past months since October 2012. They've always been so helpful and cheerful. I can't imagine how hard it must be for them to be exposed to Cancer patients on a daily basis, children included. Modesty aside, I don't look sick except for the absence of hair on my head. But others are not as fortunate. If I were assigned to this unit, I'd probably go home depressed every single day. So props to these men and women for their dedication!

My smile looks so tentative here, not the kind I usually have. That's 'cause I was holding back my tears.

The nurses are Jansen Lim, Marlone Resurreccion, Czarina Plata and Cecilia Sandoval. Not in photo is Cassey Pugao, whom I didn't get to thank and say goodbye to because she was in a seminar on another floor. And as expected, they only had one thing to say ... that they didn't want to see me inside the Chemo Unit ever again. Elsewhere in the hospital is okay. Just not the Chemo Unit. So sweet!

Yes, that's a Certificate I'm holding in the photo. It was a sweet surprise. Very encouraging!

There were 2 other graduates yesterday, older than me. I didn't see them but the nurses told me they were there for 1 and 2 years for their treatments. Big survivors! What's my 4 months compared to their 12 and 24 months??? 

It's already the day after and I still can't believe it's all over. At one point I even thought of just throwing in the towel. I'm so glad that God heard my prayers and replenished my strength! 

So there you go ... the big, happy news for the week. Something to hopefully inspire those of you who are still in the middle of treatments. It WILL pass. Before you know it, you'll be pinching yourself like I have. Just hang in there and keep praying for sustenance! God can hear you! 

Have a really awesome weekend, everyone! I know I will! 

It's Over!

6 cycles of chemotherapy done! 

Can you believe it??? I still can't!

All glory to God! 

Pre-Graduation Day Thoughts

I was at my Onco's clinic yesterday for the routine check prior to a chemo cycle. The envelope containing my blood test results in my purse, I prayed for everything to turn out well and to be told that chemo was going to push through as planned, and not delayed. To cut a long story short, she saw no reason to delay my FINAL chemo cycle. It's happening tomorrow.

In the car on the way home, my mind went into overdrive. 

Last chemo cycle? Really? I remember what it was like for me on that very first day, October 23rd last year, to be exact. I prayed hard for peace and a total feeling of calmness. I was anxious but I didn't make it seem obvious. In fact, I had a mini panic attack without anyone knowing it, not even N. I was to find out later on that this is such a common reaction amongst chemo patients. 

I also started to think about the women I've met so far along the way ... those who graduated ahead of me, those who are a few steps behind me and those who are just about to embark on the same journey. I want to go to each of them to tell them to be patient because they WILL get to the finish line. I know what it feels like to be in their shoes, I totally understand. 

I told N that I want to bring food for the nurses on duty when I go for my last dose. This is going to be our way of thanking them for the work and to say goodbye. They've already told me before and I guess this is what they always tell their chemo patients : they pray they won't see me ever again in the chemo unit. God knows this will be one of my most fervent prayers from now on. 

I'm getting teary-eyed as I conclude this entry. 

To the person who is reading this and who has read every single entry in this blog so far, I thank you for joining me on this leg. I hope you will continue to accompany me as I try my best to live healthy keep the f*cker out of my life. 

The Graduation Day Countdown : 8

I feel so normal, that's why I've busied myself this week with things that I need to do before Grad Day. 

My daughter's Prom is in 3 days, how exciting is that?! 

The Graduation Day Countdown : 9

9 days to go before my 6th and last chemo cycle! 

I'm so glad this week is so busy and it will go by swiftly. 

Repost : The Year of the Snake

Reposting this from blog #1:

My Dad is was probably the only person in my family who believed in celebrating the Chinese New Year. He had a lot of Chinese friends in his network --- a lot! That's really where the influence came from. He also believed in ushering in the new year with all sorts of good luck charms and things like that. His condo was filled (still is) with Chinese-inspired decor. 

I, on the other hand, am not a staunch believer. It's really a personal thing, and I respect the many Chinese friends I also have. But if you ask me, I only need a strong spiritual foundation to get me through life. It's not always easy, especially after everything that happened last year. But you trip, you fall, you get up and you learn. So far, so good. 

I believe that it doesn't matter if you're a rooster, dog, rat or monkey (that's me). If you're armed with a strong faith, kindness to others and a heart that always wants to give without expecting anything in return, you can always be as successful and as happy as you want! 

To all my Chinese friends ... 

may the Year of the Snake bring you whatever it is your hearts are asking for ... and more!

P.S.

If Dad were here, we'd probably be eating like pigs tonight (what's new?) at Choi Palace. Dimsum all we can and Roast Duck! Aahhhhhhh I miss him! 

Booster Shot #2

Done!!! Good days ahead! 

Booster Shot #1

In anticipation of my WBC levels diving as a reaction to chemo, my Onco already told me prior to cycle 5 that I'll need 2 booster shots. This to make sure I don't catch any infection and my counts are ready for the next (and last!) cycle in 2 weeks. 

NEUPOGEN is the booster's brand name. 

It is used to stimulate the production of granulocytes (a type of white blood cell) in patients undergoing therapy that will cause low white blood cell counts. Neupogen is used to prevent infection and neutropenic (low white blood cells) fevers caused by chemotherapy. It is a support medication, not a treatment for cancer. 

I'm due for my second one tomorrow but today after only the first shot, I feel so much more energized.

Chemo or Alternative Medicine?

Before I write further, let me just say that this entry contains my personal beliefs about Alternative Medicine as a means to address cancer, any type of cancer. These thoughts didn't come from books or online articles. I respect others and the choices they make as far as treatments are concerned. 

There's been a lot of talk about Alternative Medicine being the friendlier option. It's always been compared to chemotherapy. If you look at these two options, even without the benefit of in-depth research, the former will always emerge as the easier choice. Easier in terms of what? 

Side effects

Economics, maybe

But what really is the bottom line when you find out you have cancer? 

Kicking it and doing what you can to keep it from coming back. 

So this is how I look at it: 

If I want to get rid of a nasty cold stat, I would take a pill and not just sleep it off.

If I want to recover from the flu, I'd swallow paracetamol every 4 hrs. 

If I want to address dysmenorrhea pain, I'd take Flanax instead of use a hot water bag. 

Cancer is not something you can joke around with. If you know you have it, you don't waste time getting rid of it. To me, choosing to go with Alternative Medicine for my breast cancer would be wasting precious time. BUT, there are factors to consider. In my case : age. I'm 44 years old. The younger you are, the more active your cancer cells are. The older you get, the slower they move around. Get the picture? The form of treatment I choose should be able to catch up with them. I don't think Alternative Medicine can achieve this. If a person in his/her 60's or 70's says alternative medicine is what works best for them, I'll believe them. Chemo does take a huge toll on one's physical being.

Not to say that I never had any second thoughts about chemotherapy. There have been many instances, prior to the start of treatments, when I questioned my own decision. But at the end of the day, I consoled myself with the fact that I'm not a doctor and my doctor knows best. This is what she recommends and I'm not in a position to tell her that she's wrong. Of course, that's me. 

Chemo is not really my friend. I've had a love-hate relationship with it from the start. It is, by far, the only thing that has made me go into panic attacks. I've never ever taken a Valium before. But thanks to chemo, I can now say I have. 

I talked about chemo with both my Breast Surgeon and my Onco even before my first cycle started. Thanks to them, I was convinced that this was the option I should go with. My main goal is to live long enough to see my children go off into the world on their own. If I can live way longer than that minus an illness, then that would be a really pretty bonus. Chemo is the tougher protocol, but I know I'll have more peace of mind after I'm done. 

That Metallic Taste

It used to be just a story I would hear from cancer or former cancer patients. I could never understand nor relate to it because it sounded so strange to me. Food tasting like metal? Odd, to say the least. Now I know exactly what these people were talking about. I still can't describe it properly. But yes, metal is the closest thing that comes to mind. 

Luckily for me, this part is just a phase and it disappears when the good days post-chemo start rolling in. The longest it has stayed is about a week. Then my taste buds return to normal and everything tastes good again. Also, this hasn't stopped me from eating --- thank God. 

I just tend to ask for certain things to help address this inconvenience while it's happening. Here are some of the stuff I would normally buy or ask N to get for me when things become frustrating:

Ice Cream - even a cheap sundae cone from McDonald's or Jollibee will do the trick

Gulaman and Sago - why this? Because it's got crushed ice! I usually send the driver to the nearest Goldilock's branch to grab me a couple of orders. Really takes your mind off the metallic issue.

Magnolia's Popsies (or the Twin Popsies I grew up loving) - it's flavored ice, that's why. Feels so good on the tongue, no kidding.

I've also tried eating with chopsticks instead of the usual spoon and fork, so as not to amplify issue. Kinda works, too. But AGAIN, no two people are the same. While most cancer/chemo patients will tell you that they experience this, the effects on each person are different. In my case, I don't completely lose my appetite. I just ride it out until the issue disappears. For some, it could be a serious concern because you can't afford not to eat during treatments. 

Photos grabbed from Google Images

Barley : Good for Cancer?

I get all sorts of information on what to eat, drink, medicines or supplements to consider. This has been going on since the day I decided to go public with my breast cancer diagnosis. But no matter what anyone suggests, the bottom line is really this : to live a healthy lifestyle.

One of the things that's been suggested to me is BARLEY. Whether it's in the form of capsules, a powdered drink or what have you. People are saying that Barley is good for cancer patients. There are articles that will tell you it helps prevent cancer but I don't think anyone can truly say that something, when taken on a regular basis, will stop cancer from attacking your body. It probably offers some kind of protection, but not a guarantee.

Once you're diagnosed with a disease like this, you're recommmended to increase your intake of fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Barley appears in this list. 

Plant Family	Examples
Grains	Wheat, rye, oats, rice, corn, bulgur, barley
Green leafy vegetables	Lettuce, spinach, swiss chard, endives, beet greens, romaine
Cruciferous vegetables	Broccoli, cabbage, turnip, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, kohlrabi, bok choy, watercress, collards, kale, mustard greens, rutabaga
Umbelliferous vegetables	Celery, parsley, fennel, carrots, parsnip
Allium vegetables	Garlic, onion, shallots, chives, leek
Legumes	Soybeans, peas, chickpeas, lima beans, peanut, carob, dried beans (kidney, mung, pinto, black-eyed), lentils
Solanaceous vegetables	Nightshade family: eggplant, tomatoes
Cucurbitaceous vegetables	Gourd family: pumpkin, squash, cucumber, muskmelon, watermelon

Source : www.hopkinsmedicine.org

I guess it should then be a consideration when it's time to sit down with my Onco to discuss what kind of supplements I can take when chemo is done. This is going to be part of my long-term nutrition plan. Still reading up on other stuff I should be including in the long list of things I should be eating on a regular basis.

Moving forward!