ONE TO GO!!!

Today was chemo cycle 5. Uneventful, as always. At this point, a lot of other chemo patients would already have issues with their veins. Some people I know have had to get the help of an anaesthesiologist to manage the pain. I am so thankful I've had no issues since day one! 

I can't believe I have one more cycle to go. I'm really, really graduating next month! 

In the meantime, I'm more prepared to deal with side effects this time. I am so sure I'll be able to hack it unlike the last time. At the first sign of a panic attack, I'll take half a tablet of Valium. I've also asked my Onco to change my pain killer brand (Arcoxia is not my friend) and I'm going to start taking it on the morning of the 3rd day after chemo (that's on Feb 3rd), when my side effects usually kick in. I am so ready to fight the expected body pain! 

We are also closer to the weekend. I'm really hoping to spend a quiet and relaxing one at home. 

On Going Organic

It's really sad that in the Philippines, it is SO MUCH cheaper to eat junk. You can get a simple meal at McDonald's or Jollibee for P50.00, right? FIFTY PESOS! But if you want to eat healthy, you need to cough up so much more than that. So if one is really not that well-off to begin with and needs to implement a lifestyle change, especially where the diet is concerned, how now? 

I haven't made that 100% shift yet. I'm waiting to graduate from chemotherapy then I'll seriously sit down and make a plan for myself. Hopefully, that plan will include the rest of the family. After all, you don't have to have cancer to eat healthy. We all need to make that conscious effort to try and live healthier than what we're used to. 

I've been looking at The Farm Organics website. I got wind of them on Instagram because of all the mouth-watering food photos they share. 

(All photos taken from The Farm's website)

These are what I'm interested in so far

Ready to Eat Roast Beef, P495 (good for 2-3)

Grilled Premium Organic NY Steak, P295 for 7oz, but you can get as much as 13oz. You can order it with a choice of Garlic Rice or French Fries. Yum!!!

Grilled Quarter Pounder Cheeseburger, P175. With their secret sauce. I'm intrigued!

I'm not done going through their product list. They have so much! I'm currently looking at and reading descriptions of household products (i.e., dishwashing liquid, hand soap, body wash).

I'm really excited to make my first order. Maybe after chemo cycle 5!

Anita Moorjani in Manila

I unfortunately missed this much talked about event yesterday because my daughters needed my support in school. I personally know two people who went and listened to her talk. They both had great things to say. Made me feel bad haha! 

So now, I'm really really desperate to read her book

Here's a synopsis : 

In this truly inspirational memoir, Anita Moorjani relates how, after fighting cancer for almost four years, her body—overwhelmed by the malignant cells spreading throughout her system—began shutting down. As her organs failed, she entered into an extraordinary near-death experience where she realized her inherent worth . . . and the actual cause of her disease. Upon regaining consciousness, Anita found that her condition had improved so rapidly that she was able to be released from the hospital within weeks . . . without a trace of cancer in her body!

     Within these pages, Anita recounts stories of her childhood in Hong Kong, her challenge to establish her career and find true love, as well as how she eventually ended up in that hospital bed where she defied all medical knowledge.

     As part of a traditional Hindu family residing in a largely Chinese and British society, she had been pushed and pulled by cultural and religious customs since she had been a little girl. After years of struggling to forge her own path while trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, she had the realization, as a result of her epiphany on the other side, that she had the power to heal herself . . . and that there are miracles in the Universe that she had never even imagined. 

     In Dying to Be Me, Anita freely shares all she has learned about illness, healing, fear, “being love,” and the true magnificence of each and every human being!

This is a book that definitely makes the case that we
are spiritual beings having a human experience . . . and that we are all One!

Sooooooooo interesting! I've been bugging N to find me an ebook that I can download, so I can start reading it ASAP! 

Crunch Time So Soon!

I can't believe chemo 5 is happening this week! But first things first, my counts have to be checked tomorrow. For those of you who follow my blog but are not cancer patients, blood tests have to be done before each chemo cycle, to make sure your body is ready for the next round. If anything is irregular, your cycle is moved until your Oncologist says you're good to go. I've had a few delays so far, but none so major, just 2 days maximum. These were mostly due to low WBC levels, which is pretty normal and expect. Once, my SGPT level was also quite low. 

All of these will be checked as usual tomorrow, when I go in for a test. In the afternoon, I'll bring the results of that test to my Oncologist for assessment. If she gives me the nod, I go into cycle 5 on the 31st, Thursday. It was just like yesterday when I went in for chemo 4 and had that difficult bout with body pain and a virus. No thanks to my lousy disposition! Never again! I now know that I should never, ever entertain negativity ever again after chemotherapy. It made the side effects ten times more alive and felt! 

Am I really this close to the finish line already? Just thinking about it makes me tear up. After the 31st, just ONE MORE CYCLE to go and I graduate from chemo!!! 

God's GRACE will continue to see me through these last 2 rounds!

All-Natural, All-Fun

We'd been planning to do this for the longest time. Soon after we hooked up on Twitter, Crisann (Celdran) was already asking me if it would be alright to meet up for coffee or merienda. It finally happened today, over brunch and with another Breast Cancer warrior (whose identity I'm witholding out of respect for her privacy). 

For 3 hours or so, our conversation revolved around breast cancer, family, kids, parents, school, Mommy responsibilities, husbands, Oncologists, surgeons, chemo and even cosmetic surgery! 

There was just so much to talk about, even if I had never ever met these two women before. Prior to becoming her Twitter friend, I already knew that Crisann was one of the founders of IcanServe Foundation. I had read one or two magazine articles about her story which began 13 years ago when she was only 26 and diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Wow, right?!  Today, after having survived cancer at such a young age, she reaches out to those like me who are going through the very same journey. I'm so sure I'll do the same after I'm done with treatments.

That's the "all-fun" part. What's the "all-natural" thing I'm referring to? We agreed to do brunch in the Serendra area, at Chelsea Market and Cafe to be specific. This is one of my favorite eating places in Serendra, thanks to my late Dad who took us here a few times on a Sunday. But it was my first time to dine there in the morning and I was overwhelmed when I studied their menu!
 
I was a bit hungry so I had to have rice. But when I saw that rice could either come with Beef Tapa or Vigan Longganisa, my first concern was --- do these have preservatives? I called one of the waiters to ask and requested him to please check with the kitchen to make sure. He came back soon enough and told us that both the longganisa and the tapa don't have any. How cool is that?

Ergo ...

 

This huuuuuuuuge plate is valued at P295.00 and for the record, I didn't finish everything on it.

It's also served with Pinakurat Vinegar, which I know I lot of people like. Not me though. I don't really enjoy vinegar. Odd? :) 

 

This is on the house and it's one of the best Sourdough Breads in town.

I committed a slight boo boo which irritates me up to now. I forgot to take our photo! But we agreed to meet again soon.

That was a great first meet up! I remain grateful to God for continuously bringing amazing people into my life!

My kids and my cancer

HOW ARE YOUR KIDS TAKING IT?

People have asked me this many times. My kids are 10 years apart and have opposite personalities, so dealing with them requires different strategies. The teenager (16 turning 17 in March) is reserved and acts just like any teenager I know. Oftentimes, I find myself more worried about her than the little one who is only 6 (turning 7 in April). The latter is more vocal about her feelings, also more demonstrative. 

The other day, a sweet surprise arrived on my doorstep. It was a bag filled with goodies from an "old" friend who's now based in the Bay Area (which I really really miss!). Among others, she sent this

It is, of course, for the little one to read. This will be her 2nd book about this topic and I'm really thankful for the help. But the bigger surprise was this.

I'm not sure if she finished reading the book already, but I'm really happy that she somehow spoke up about the issue (yup, that's how quiet she is). I haven't read the book myself nor have I read it to Sabine. I should set aside some time to do this today. 

Having cancer as a Mom is double the difficulty, because you tend to worry about your children even more --- what they're thinking, how they're feeling, if they're coping well, if they're telling you everything, whether they're having problems focusing in school. All these things run through my mind on a daily basis. While it's not healthy to stress myself out over it, there's nothing much I can do to control it. I'm a Mom, first and foremost. It's my job to worry about my children's well-being. If there was ever a time that I felt hatred toward this illness, it would have to be the time when I had to tell my kids that I have it. 

Despite all the worrying though, my kids have proven to be tough cookies. I'm really so proud of them.

Watch this movie : FIVE

"The groundbreaking original movie FIVE is an anthology of five short films exploring the impact of breast cancer on people's lives. FIVE highlights the shared experience each short film's title character endures from the moment of diagnosis, through an interconnected story arc that uses humor and drama to focus on the effect breast cancer and its different stages of diagnosis have on relationships and the way women perceive themselves while searching for strength, comfort, medical breakthroughs and, ultimately, a cure."

A good friend told me to catch this on HBO one afternoon. Unfortunately, I was out of the house. I asked N to please look for it for me and he did, of course. I sat in bed and cried over some familiar scenes. I would recommend this movie to anyone who's been diagnosed, whether still fighting the battle  or have crossed the finish line. Caregivers, husbands, mothers, sisters, children of breast cancer patients will appreciate watching this, too.

Each of the five short films was directed by Demi Moore, Penelope Spheeris, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Aniston and Patty Jenkins.

The Cast 

Ginnifer Goodwin stars in the first film as Charlotte, a young mother dying of breast cancer. This film is set in 1959, the year that man first landed on the moon.

Patricia Clarkson plays Mia, diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer but survives to tell her story AND marry a second time. I think this is my favorite among the five. 

Rosario Dawson is Lili, a very independent and headstrong career woman who thinks she doesn't need family to get her through her journey.

Lindsy Fonseca is Cheyanne, who has to go through a really aggressive double breast removal after being diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a newly-wed and a dancer by profession. 

Jeanne Tripplehorn plays Pearl, a successful Oncologist who herself is later on diagnosed with breast cancer. 

While none of the characters in the movie had the exact same circumstances as myself, watching this really hit home ... in fact, several times. I'm inclined to watch it again when I find myself alone at home next time. If you've seen it or intend to see it, let me know what you think. 

All photos taken from Google images 

Inspiration : All Things Calm

I'm trying my best to psyche myself up for next week. Next week, chemo cycle 5 will take place. What happened to the time? I know. It was eaten up by the side effects and that nasty virus that hit me. I'm 90% recovered from the virus today and when I looked at my calendar, I was shocked to see that I only have a few days left to do my "stuff" before I go into my 5th and more importantly, SECOND TO THE LAST treatment. I can't cry over spilled milk. That's just going to stress me out unnecessarily. Instead of whining at how little time I have left this round, I'm making a conscious effort to prepare for the next date with the Frienemy.

Starting today, I'll focus on being CALM. That's a really tall order, if you know me well. I'm hardly calm, mostly panicky. But I need to do this in order to make sure that my next cycle won't be as bad as the 4th. Like I always say, it's all in the mind. My mind won the last time. I'm hell bent on not allowing that to happen again. 

I don't know exactly how I'm going to do it but I'm starting out with this

Photos of things that relax me ... a day on the beach with the family, watching the sunset (yes, this never fails), a Swedish massage (preferably 2 hours of it), scented candles all around, a cup of tea by myself or with friends and outdoor lunches with friends or loved ones.  Just thinking about them is making me feel a sense of calmness. How I wish I could run off to the beach right now, but that will have to wait 'til the summer. 

Will this work? It has to! One week to go!

Getting Better

It's been 11 days since chemo cycle 4, 7 days since the onset of side effects and 3 days since this nasty virus kicked me in the butt. Today, I can honestly say I feel better. I am by no means my 100% normal self, still sniffling here and there, coughing when I have to (mostly upon waking up) but I am better.

I'm getting my second dose of Neupogen sometime today whenever I'm up to it. This is the booster shot that artificially raises your White Blood Cell (WBC) count. Mine was at an all-time low and that is also the reason for the virus hitting me and my feeling so weak all this time. 

My Onco says the sooner I get the 2nd shot, the sooner I'll feel normal. 

I still have no words for this latest chemo cycle. Whenever I think about how helpless I've been these past days, I'm all the more reduced to silence. I simply have nothing to say to you, chemo. 

But to everyone who's been rallying behind me and understand that my current attitude is normal, 

thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

Oh and yes, a tiny mouth sore decided to show up today. Thank God it's still not inside my mouth, but on the left side of my lips.

Cold + Sore Throat

Day 6 Post Chemo Cycle 4

I don't know what happened. My body pain is finally 90% gone and I was just really raring to get out and enjoy the weekend. Then my cold and sore throat decided it would stay and intensify themselves a little bit. 

I was feeling okay last night. In fact, I was feeling good enough to attend weekly bible study/D-group 3 doors down from where we live, even if N wasn't around. But it was a different story when I opened my eyes this morning.

I haven't left the bed except to go to the bathroom. I've fallen asleep many times since I woke up. 

This is the result of an immune system that's shot and, maybe really unexpectedly cool weather. A lot of people are down with the flu or a bad case of the sniffles.

My current buddies : water (still don't love it), Strepsils, Bactidol, Kamilosan Throat Spray (from time to time), my pillows, my face mask (so I don't spread the germs to N and the kids), my small jar of Giga  Massage Rub cream made of peppermint and ginger. Thank God my appetite is still here. 

Please please go away. I just wanna feel normal again. 

Exercise? What's that?

I've been taking my Oncologist seriously. Everything she says is gospel truth to me. The only thing among her orders I haven't followed is to exercise regularly. Yeah right. Me. Exercise. I don't remember ever doing so in my entire 44 years. The one time I joined a "walk for a cause" event was over a year ago for work and it was, ironically, to raise awareness on breast cancer. I suffered silently in that walk with a huge bottle of water in hand. It was a loooooooong walk. I had never walked that much before, but it was for a good cause. It hasn't been duplicated.

The other day, N was texting with my Onco when she checked if I had been exercising. Hee hee. We all know his answer to that. She again reiterated that I can start by walking twice a day, once in the morning and then after dinner. I started doing it after dinner last night. It was cool, literally. The weather has been really nippy and good for walking or jogging. Can't jog though. Still not feeling 100% normal after chemo cycle 4 last January 10th. Anyway ... 

I did it again this morning YAY! I'm rejoicing because I didn't give in to being lazy like I always have these past years. Oh by the way, I live in a guarded compound, a small community or a village if you can call it that. I really have had no reason whatsoever not to do brisk walking since it's absolutely safe. 

I even got a treat because I ran into a neighbor whom I haven't spoken to in a while (and whose daughter is the same age as my Anissa). She had heard about my breast cancer and we chatted about it while walking. And did I mention that I developed a cold and sore throat? The walking should do my immune system some good, Onco says. 

Update : she ordered a CBC yesterday to check on my WBC level and as expected it is waaaaaayyyy below the acceptable level. I need to get that booster shot today AND another one on Monday. This nippy January weather (23 deg celsius or 73 deg farenheit, as I type) and my low immune system don't go together. Bad bad bad combination! I've been munching on orange slices these past few days and drinking more water than usual - a challenge for Patty, the water hater! 

Hope you're all in for a great weekend! 

Lesson Learned

LESSON LEARNED: I'M NOT SUPERWOMAN. NO ONE IS.

I realized this yesterday, when I suffered from a really bad side effect (from chemo cycle 4 with Docetaxel, a new med) and was reduced to a ball of of pain and frustration, not to mention, desperation. 

In hindsight, it was also my mindset that made it so bad. Waking up in the morning and realizing I was not my usual self made me angry. I felt so off and this meant that my To Do List for the week would have to be set aside. Totally unacceptable to me. This dictated the tone for the rest of the day. And so everything became big ... the anxiety, the frustration, the pain (localized chest pain for more than an hour which really made me panic and think I was having a heart attack!), the anger --- the cycle went on an on. I allowed the enemy to take over. I was weak and it took advantage of me. I called out in prayer but I guess it was not heartfel. I was distracted, because I didn't feel relief until around dinner time.

I resisted the urge to rely on meds, not knowing that I was postponing relief for the wrong reason -- I didn't want to give in and admit defeat. I had been able to beat side effects the past 3 cycles and I didn't want to throw in the towel now. In the end, my body begged for the respite so I relented.

This is why I call chemo my Frienemy. It's supposed to make me better in the long term but look at what it does to me in the meantime. It wreaks havoc not just on the body but on the mind as well.

I've already apologized to myself for the really bad time I had yesterday. It was mostly my fault for allowing it to get to me.

I thank the Lord for a better day so far. I'm dizzy, I'm weak but I'm not in any kind of pain and I'll take that any day.

For all your prayers, thank you!

The Calm Before The Storm

Chemo Cycle 4 took place on January 10th, a Thursday.

I was okay until I woke up on Sunday, the 13th. I immediately felt off. Nothing major, just that overall feeling you get when you know the side effects are right around the corner and ready to pounce anytime. I didn't allow that to affect my day though. I had a family birthday lunch scheduled and I was dead set on going. Which I did. Honestly, I didn't feel 100% okay, but I was okay enough to go. I wouldn't have forced myself to get out of bed otherwise. I don't look so bad here, right? 

After the lunch, I decided to go for some much-needed "me" time at the nail spa near my Mom's place. The chemo treatments have taken a toll on my skin too. It dries 2x as fast now and I need to get a mani-pedi more often than the usual. 

Other than the relaxation factor, I also needed a mani pedi stat because my nails have really started to discolor bigtime (thumbs and big toes with some on the 2nd toe). I didn't take a photo because well, you know why. I can't stand seeing them, no matter how many times N tells me it's okay and it shouldn't be an issue because the discoloration is a side effect and is temporary.

He really is so nice. 

After this, Mom treated me to a massage back in the condo. The girl who massaged me was my Dad's (and now Mom's) favorite masseuse. I felt relieved after.

But all this pampering didn't prepare me for what was to take place the next day...

(jump to the next entry if you care to)

Are you my BFF?

My Oncologist told me the two things to watch out for this time are bloating and body/joint pains. Doesn't sound so bad, right? I mean, versus nausea the first 3 cycles which I didn't even experience. It's been 3 days since chemo cycle 4 and I've felt normal ... until I woke up this morning.

As soon as I tried to get out of bed, my back felt off. It was like I had exercised the day before. HA! Exercise? What's that? I've never even been inside a gym, let alone, do brisk walking on a regular basis.  So in my mind I knew this could be a chemo side effect. So much for good luck? Nah. I'm still not complaining. Sure, it feels uncomfortable. But really, if it's something that can be addressed by a pill, I'm okay.

Although I'm not a habitual pill-popper, there's a bit of comfort in knowing that when things go bad and I can't bear the pain, there's something I can take to make me feel better.

My doc says I should take Biogesic 3x a day for a week if I have to, and today I did. It's basic Paracetamol anyway so it shouldn't be terribly harmful. She says that if it gets too much to take, then I can shift to Arcoxia, which is a really intense pain killer. I took this for about a week right after my surgeries and it really helped. But I'm not too okay with taking it on a regular basis (kidney issues, hello). I know people who are regular Arcoxia fans for extreme things like migraine. Luckily, I don't have that issue.

It will have to be Biogesic for now. Perhaps, a 2-hour massage later on during the day will also do me well.

P.S. A friend who ended her chemo treatments last year and is now in remission tells me she experienced the bloating more than the body/joint pains. It IS different for each cancer patient, so please take everything with a grain of salt and just be vigilant about your side effects. Make sure you're prepared for anything and in everything ... just give thanks. This will all pass!

HAVE A BLESSED SUNDAY!

Inspired - please watch this video

I've never ever been told "you're inspiring!" so many times before. It's always heartwarming to be told that you've got a positive effect on people, despite the challenges you go through on a daily basis, despite your difficult circumstances. I try my best to stay upbeat but I do struggle sometimes, so don't think I have super powers. :) 

I came across this today on Twitter and this time, I would have to say that I'm the one who's truly inspired by this family. Ryan Woods has since passed on from Glioblastoma. He was only given 1-4 months to live upon diagnosis and it seems his doctors were right. He left this earthly world in November last year. 

This video interview of him and his wife made me tear up, not because they cried the whole time, but because at the point of this recording, his illness was already so real to them. Yet they didn't look desperate or depressed. Sad, maybe, to a certain extent. But definitely not negative. 

If you can, please watch it because it'll do you well. It pinched my heart but it also replenished my strength, knowing that there are many others out there who are not as blessed as I am, but are ablet to accept their fate with so much love and positivity. This attitude is what enabled Ryan Woods to infuse quality into his remaining days. 

My favorite line in this video : "We're all in the process of dying, so the question is ... what kind of story are we gonna live out as we're dying. I would just invite people to live out a beautiful story, to live out their life and make beautiful music regardless of what kind of brokenness they have to deal with."

VERY POWERFUL. 

I Wish You Were Bacon

I'm really not a breakfast person. Yes, bad habit. I've lived on coffee these past how many years for breakfast. The reason I don't like eating breakfast is it ruins my meal schedule for the rest of the day. I'm never hungry at 12noon and I end up having lunch close to merienda time. 

These days though, I have to make a conscious effort to take something at the start of the day.

This is what I had today, but I really really wish I was having crispy strips of bacon instead.

I'm not even addicted to bacon, so this is really a psychological thing. In fact, I can eat fish all the time. Never had a problem with fish. For those who read this blog who are not from/in the Philippines, I had Tinapa (smoked fish) and Garlic Sinangag (Fried Rice) with sliced tomatoes on the side. 

So yummy. But still not bacon. Haha. My mind is trying to battle with me again!

Day After Chemo 4

I don't think I've woken up at 9am involuntarily for a while now. My alarm is usually set at 545am so I can help wake up the kids and make sure they're okay before seeing them off to school. If I feel like it and am too sleepy from the night before, I always have that luxury of jumping back in bed if I don't have anything planned in the morning. 

But today, oh wow! I didn't even hear my alarm go off. I must've turned it off while half asleep! I didn't feel Sabine get out of bed beside me and I didn't see both kids leave for school. I got up because N woke me up. The shower filter installer was here. 

I was shocked that it took me so long to realize I was still asleep. It's my Frienemy who did this to me, I tell you. But it's all good, just feeling a bit guilty that I didn't give my girls their usual morning goodbye kisses today. 

All in all, I'm still good. I don't feel any of the side effects I'm expecting to get. So my fingers (and toes and eyes) remain crossed. I'm fully-armed with meds to help me address any of them IF they come. 

It's almost half the day and I'm still good. But no plans of doing anything other than being super friendly with my bed. I have some TV shows I need to catch up on (and more than half a Classic Sansrival cake inside the fridge haha). 

GOD IS GOOD!

Disqus Failed Me

Boo hoo hoo! This isn't the first time I'm ranting about Disqus. I have a 2-month old complaint which has never even been replied to (an issue with my other blog, Nonstopbabble).

Now that I've changed my layout/template here, Disqus is nowhere to be found. The widget doesn't even contain anything, it's totally empty. My comments are all here still, but they're all under my name. It's like I'm talking to myself the entire time.

I'm not even going to try reinstalling it anymore. It works well in Nonstopbabble. I've read somewhere that Disqus has a hard time working in two different blogs in the same platform. How smart.

Anyway ... I don't need the stress.

A Confession and Chemo Cycle 4

I'm not too fond of pink. There, I said it! Hahaha! I know, I know ... the color for breast cancer is pink (and black), but I was never a pink person even when I was young. 

That's why I spent more than an hour looking for a new (and free) blog template. Nothing pink please!

That old look was starting to really frustrate me and almost drove me nuts.

So how did chemo cycle 4 go? It was a BREEZE. Again, I have to say --- thank you, thank you for this answered prayer! I was worried about having to feel those panic attacks again. I'm not a pill popper so taking a half a pill of Valium before a chemo cycle is something that makes me feel uncomfortable. But I had to do it the last time, I felt like climbing on the walls without it the first two times. 

Today, however ... I did not need a Valium at all! Praise God and may He bless all of you who prayed for the same thing for me. It's just as well because I didn't know that Benadryl was going to be part of the pre-chemo infusion today. It's to avoid a possible allergic reaction. But wow ... it literally made me sleep like a baby like 80% of the time. What an awesome feeling! 

I only woke up because my bladder was going to burst. The airconditioning was cold as usual. Plus I had 2 bottles being infused into my veins at the same time. Who wouldn't wanna pee???

And because of that sleep, I didn't feel that it took longer than usual (1 hour more). I woke up because the pump sounded off and that only meant one thing : it was time to go home!

So far, I am not feeling any side effects at all. Today is another day so we'll see. But at this point, I really have nothing major to fear. I asked and it was given, I knocked and the door was opened. I am so  sure God will not fail me as far as side effects are concerned.

Will update as soon as I can. In the meantime, it's time to wind down. 

Good night everyone and God bless us all!

After today, 2 to go!

It's Chemo Cycle 4 today. The start of my last 3 dates with the Frienemy. No more FEC treatments, all purely Docetaxel from hereon. Hopefully, there will really be no more nausea issues. 

I've prayed hard after my Oncologist told me that there are two things to watch out for:

bloating and body pain. Plus more hair fall (my eyebrows are still pretty much around, but a lot less eyelashes now) and nail discoloration. 

The longer downtime which everyone's been talking about is something I'm also hoping to address with a lot of prayers and positive vibes. My kids need me! 

So there.

Lifting this day up to the greatest Healer of them all! 

All will be well.

Vacation's Over!

It's been a long and relaxing break. I go back to the the salt mines, my version, tomorrow. Chemo cycle 4 out of 6. It's been 4 1/2 months since diagnosis, 4 months since my surgeries and 2 1/2 months since the first chemo treatment. Surreal! 

Only 2 more cycles after tomorrow. I'm seeing that finish line more and more clearly, thanks to all of you who have been praying for me and embracing my family with so much love and concern. 

All will be well. Prayer warriors, I'm counting on you!

I can do all things through God who strengthens me.

-Philippians 4:13

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

-Romans 8:28

Prayer To Heal Stress

Heavenly Father, please grant me peace of mind and calm my troubled heart. My soul is like a turbulent sea. I can't seem to find my balance so I stumble and worry constantly. Give me the strength and clarity of mind to find my purpose and walk the path you've laid out for me. I trust your love God, and know that you will heal this stress. Just as the sun rises each day against the dark of night. Please bring me clarity with the light of God.

In Your name I pray, Amen.

SGPT Level Up!

Chemo cycle 4 was supposed to take place on January 8th. However, after my blood test last January 2nd, we found out that my SGPT level is quite high, in fact, more than twice the normal/acceptable level. As explained by my Onco, this means that my liver is reacting to the chemotherapy treatments. 

Being ignorant, I slightly panicked. But she assured me that there's no cause for alarm and that it's a normal reaction. My WBC count is good though, so that was a relief. However, I still wasn't allowed to go through with chemo on the 8th. I'm currently on Liveraide 3x a day for protection. Tomorrow, I go back to the lab for another blood test. Hopefully, the result will be favorable this time and I can push through with chemo cycle 4 on the 10th. 

I'm somehow relieved that I won't undergo treatment tomorrow because my little girl will walk down the aisle for the 2nd time as flower girl at my niece-in-law's wedding. 

It's not fun getting tested all the time, but it's a requirement I have to go through and be obedient about. I need to allow my Oncologist to do her job well and following her orders is a huge factor.

Praying for God's comfort and provisions this week as always! 

Today at the pedia

At the pedia while waiting for our turn on a very busy Saturday afternoon, another Mom with a tiny baby girl found the vacant chair beside me and sat down. She smiled, looked at my head scarf and smiled again then asked, "Are you undergoing chemo (po)?". 

I looked at her and noticed a head of newly-grown and still growing hair and I knew why she asked the question. She's a lot younger at 35, had just given birth to her first child. 

Her diagnosis is exactly like mine : stage 2a invasive ductal carcinoma, lymph nodes healthy (negative of cancer), Her2 negative (cancer was non-aggressive). But what I couldn't understand at first was how she had just finished chemo (the thin head of hair was a giveaway) and given birth 2 months ago. I was hesitant to ask, afraid that she might think I was being intrusive when we didn't know each other from Adam. 

Then it dawned on me ... she had chemo while pregnant with her child! My face must've changed expressions because right after that she said, "Yes, I found out I had breast cancer then was told I was pregnant right before starting chemo."

I was probably speechless for the next few seconds, then I finally said, "Wow, you're something else! Being pregnant alone is a challenge, even a struggle for many women! But you had 6 cycles of chemo while carrying your baby!" 

She laughed and said, "Oo nga eh. Sa dalas ko mag-vomit noon, hindi ko na alam kung sumusuka ako dahil sa chemo or dahil buntis ako. Hahaha. Pero ikaw ha, nagche-chemo pero bongga naka make up pa rin!" To which I replied my usual, "Oo naman, bawal pumangit!" 

I also tried to imagine, (on my way home in the car), how terrible it must have been for her and her husband to have been told they had a baby on the way, but that chemo couldn't be postponed because waiting will only give the cancer cells a chance to multiply and spread. What an awfully tough decision they had to make. And then I realized again, how lucky I am to only have myself to worry about, that I never felt I was taking a risk when my doctors asked me to make choices.

Just like that ... my spirit is replenished for chemo cycle 4 soon. The Lord, despite the challenges, always makes His presence felt through situations and people ... yup, even strangers. 

THANKFUL and HUMBLED.

Video : Breast Cancer Survivors

I came across this video on YouTube while doing a search earlier. I watched the whole thing even if it's a bit long. Funny how just by listening to each of their stories and looking closely at each of them while they spoke, I could tell who have the really strong personalities. Judgemental? Maybe. But you can tell a lot by how a person expresses himself/herself.

There are certain parts which really stood out because I could really relate to the experience. One of them said something like, "nothing really prepares you for chemo" and I would have to agree - strongly!

A warning though ... some of these women's stories may have a negative effect on you, depending on how well you're handling your illness. Remember that we are all different from one another. One survivor's experience may not necessarily happen to us. So take everything with a grain of salt and just take away all the positive learnings these women have had from their respective journeys.

I know that I have a handful of them after watching the video.

Year-End Thoughts (Part 2)

It's officially 2013 so maybe this entry should be entitled differently? 

Bagong Taon, Bagong Buhay (New Year, New Life). Haven't we all heard that line many times?

The new year is significant to many of us because it gives us a fresh start. The objective is to look back on the year that was and say goodbye to all things old : attitude, outlook, anything that you don't want to carry over into the new year. 

Unfortunately, the one thing I want so much to talk about in the past tense, is something I still have to carry with me into 2013. But I'm glad that I can personally give it an ultimatum. I only have 3 more chemotherapy sessions to go. Barring any hitches (praying!), I'll be done with them by March. That means I can do the happy dance when the 2nd quarter of 2013 begins. Not a bad deal!

It's one hour into 2013 and I can't believe how quickly time has flown. 

As promised to myself, I welcomed the new year by tuning out and spending the first few minutes of it in prayer. Despite all the difficulties encountered in the past year, I still have tons to be thankful for. I also have so much to hope for this year, with many reasons to believe that after everything I've gone through, I have nowhere else to go but up. 

We all get to start with clean slates and that's the most awesome thing about the new year, if you ask me. I hope to God I get to keep all of the promises I made to myself. 

As we all get back into the normal groove of things after all the parties and celebrations, may we all look at our clean slates and think about how we want to live our lives anew, keeping in mind that God watches over us always. 

THANK YOU, LORD GOD, for this chance to make things right. 

You are indeed merciful and loving and I thank You from the bottom of my heart!

2013 ... show me what you've got!

What Cancer Can't Do

Getting my routine CBC done today for my Onco check-up tomorrow. If my counts are good, chemo cycle 4 takes place on January 8th. I'm slightly nervous because this time I'll be on Taxotere but also looking forward because I'm on the final stretch for my treatments. 

The roller coaster ride will be over soon!