Lesson Learned

LESSON LEARNED: I'M NOT SUPERWOMAN. NO ONE IS.

I realized this yesterday, when I suffered from a really bad side effect (from chemo cycle 4 with Docetaxel, a new med) and was reduced to a ball of of pain and frustration, not to mention, desperation. 

In hindsight, it was also my mindset that made it so bad. Waking up in the morning and realizing I was not my usual self made me angry. I felt so off and this meant that my To Do List for the week would have to be set aside. Totally unacceptable to me. This dictated the tone for the rest of the day. And so everything became big ... the anxiety, the frustration, the pain (localized chest pain for more than an hour which really made me panic and think I was having a heart attack!), the anger --- the cycle went on an on. I allowed the enemy to take over. I was weak and it took advantage of me. I called out in prayer but I guess it was not heartfel. I was distracted, because I didn't feel relief until around dinner time.

I resisted the urge to rely on meds, not knowing that I was postponing relief for the wrong reason -- I didn't want to give in and admit defeat. I had been able to beat side effects the past 3 cycles and I didn't want to throw in the towel now. In the end, my body begged for the respite so I relented.

This is why I call chemo my Frienemy. It's supposed to make me better in the long term but look at what it does to me in the meantime. It wreaks havoc not just on the body but on the mind as well.

I've already apologized to myself for the really bad time I had yesterday. It was mostly my fault for allowing it to get to me.

I thank the Lord for a better day so far. I'm dizzy, I'm weak but I'm not in any kind of pain and I'll take that any day.

For all your prayers, thank you!