In the Mail

The weekend was really lazy like I predicted. Fortunately, by Sunday I was up on my feet again with a little help from Zantac (to address the gas). Our Sunday Family Style lunch here at home made me feel like a pig! Oink!

This week, I got a really nice surprise in the mail

These are from Crisann C. of ICanServe Foundation. Such a sweet gesture from someone I haven't even met. We're only Twitter friends at the moment but I think there's a coffee and cake date coming up real soon. Crisann is a breast cancer survivor, much younger than I am. She's been a great help, offering to answer whatever questions I may have about BC or chemo or what have you. 

Ahhhhhh the kindness of strangers! Always does wonders to one's spirit. 

Thank you, Lord, for never forgetting to introduce me to angels here on earth!

And to all of you out there, enjoy the long weekend with your precious loved ones. Time well spent!

Post Chemo : Day 3

It feels like one of those "I'm gonna spend the whole day in bed..." days. I woke up feeling off today, not sick, just off. No gas, no nausea, nothing like that.

Just not interested in doing anything. 

I've taken a cup of Echinacea Tea (from Healthy Options) to help me combat this and mostly because I'm paranoid about getting sick! 

My b*tt is in the same place since I opened my eyes this morning. 

This is where I'll be and I'm not going to do anything to fight it. 

My body needs the rest and that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

My family is so understanding, even Sabine whom I expect to ask a lot of questions told me earlier

"It's okay, Mommy. You're gonna get well. Chemo is only up to early next year, right?"

In the meantime, my eyes are starting to feel heavy again.

This is going to be one long and lazy weekend...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chemo Cycle 2

It was pretty much the same for me. The anxiety was still there. It arrived as soon as my Onco started with the infusion. I hate the feeling. I was having a mini-anxiety attack and it felt so uncomfortable. Fortunately, after I prayed about it, it went away and I even managed to fall asleep this time. I was in deep sleep when N arrived after picking up Sabine from school. I fell asleep again after that. So, thank you Lord for answering my prayer!

It's been 2 days since then and I'm okay. I feel the same way I did the first time around. Slightly gassy, always sleepy, generally lazy. But nothing more than that. I'm putting off taking Zantac to address the gas, until tonight. I wanna take it right before walking over to Friday Bible Study with our new-found group. Good thing it happens at our neighbor's! 

I'm expecting some constipation to happen within the next few days because that's what happened the first time, so I'm loading up on water ... lots and lots! I'm not a huge fan of water (bad person) so this is really a challenge for me. 

Tomorrow, Anissa's competing with her dance crew at the Mall of Asia. HELLO HUGE CROWD. I'm bent on going because this is her first competition this year and I have to be there to support. I'm not nauseous or fatigued, just gassy. I can do this. With a face mask (ugh). But I will.

Thanks for all the prayers, I'm good!!! 

P.S. Planning to talk to my Onco about these anxiety attacks. I hope she'll allow me to take something a few hours before each cycle to calm me down! 

Thanksgiving

Allow me to take advantage of this very popular holiday, even though we Filipinos aren't too big on it. Seriously, I'm one of those who believes that Thanksgiving Day should be everyday. Cliche? Maybe. But I don't care, it's true. Why wait once a year? There are so many things to be thankful for everyday.

So ... predictable as it may seem, here's a gratitude list, because it always helps to note the things you're thankful for : 

My husband

My children

My Mom

My Brother

My In-Laws

Family Members here and abroad (you're too many to mention!)

My Loyal Kasambahays

My Super Friends

My Havie Friends

My Online Friends

My Triple-T Friends

My Wednesday Club Friends

My Mommy and Daddy Friends (Pep, Terpsichore, PHCT)

Other Daddies and Mommies I met through my kids 

Friends that fall under these categories

Former colleagues, especially those who are really close friends now

N's friends --- both high school and college buddies

New friends ... our bible study group

The many people God has introduced to me and have become my friends, since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am amazed at how God works because it's obvious to me that He's behind all these chance meetings and hook-ups. 

Needless to say, I continue to be thankful for the health and well-being of my children and all my loved ones. It really helps to know that everyone around me is okay in the health department. I can handle my own illness better than someone else's. 

What are YOU thankful for? Make a list, it's therapeutic and it's always something you can look at everytime you're having a bad day. It's a sure way to lift your spirit. 

EVERYDAY IS A BLESSING 

Today's Thought

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It’s then I have to remember
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top

And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan’s loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it’s in the valleys I grow!

 

Source : ALifetimeofWisdom.com

Sleepless in Bed

12 hours from now, I'll be sitting on that La-Z Boy-looking chair again, while trying to watch TV or maybe reading my book of the moment. 

I'm not going to lie ... I'm anxious about going for chemo cycle 2. The only difference is that this time, I know exactly what to expect. So I guess the anxious feeling isn't as intense as the first time. But this is why I'm in bed, but can't sleep.

I've requested for more prayers for tomorrow and I'm humbled by the response I got from friends --- close and otherwise. 

In not so many words, let me just say that today was the most challenging day for N and I since this journey began. It was overwhelming, to say the least. I found myself focusing on this bible verse. We are so blessed to have neighbors whom we can talk to whenever we need guidance and reassurance. 3 houses down from ours live the most accommodating and warm couple in this small community. Pastor R and his wife, A have also invited us to be part of their D-group. We've only joined them once but N and I are in agreement that we want to keep going back. Anyway, all it took was one text message from N to Pastor R and at around 9pm we were seated in their living room and Pastor R was praying for us.

I continued to pray when we got home ... I needed time alone to talk to the Lord in the manner that I usually do. I can't have anyone else in the room when I do this. 

So anyway ... I should've hit the sack a lot earlier than this. If you're reading this, please say a quiet prayer for me as I face the frenemy again tomorrow. Thank you and God bless you! 

Officially 44!

Sometimes, I still can't believe I'm in midlife. Half of me is scared, the other half deserves a pat on the back for a job well done so far in all aspects (I think).

My birthday blues didn't last very long, thanks to a loving and tight family -- both sides -- who took the time to help me celebrate this extra special birthday.

First, the food! I didn't have to lift a finger to order/cook any of these. N, my in-laws and my Mom took care of everything for me.

 

From top to bottom, left to right:

The cake : Estrel's Caramel Cake (yum yum yum!)

Birthday Noodles from PVL Restaurant in Mandaluyong (our go-to place when we need to order out last-minute or when we're going to a potluck gathering. good and cheap food!)

Breaded Fish Fillet, Callos (N's favorite), Chicken Lollipops, Paella Valenciana all prepared by N's older sister. Everything was so mouth watering!

There was also Fresh Lumpia, Pichi Pichi and Cassava Cake from other family members.

So much food!

But the star of the buffet was this 

 

 Charlie's Pritchon FTW! Soooooo good. My favorite sauce is the White Garlic and Honey Mustard combined. I was so happy I could take some home with me after the party hehe!

It was an intimate gathering with a few other relatives invited

I thank N for taking the lead on this and allowing me to sit pretty and just show up

I'm one year closer to being a Golden Girl! Hahaha. 6 more years :))

I can't say thank you enough. I am blessed to have been able to celebrate another birthday. It was my first birthday without Daddy, but I pulled through.

Family is love!

P.S. I never imagined I'd be celebrating my birthday this year as a cancer patient. But I look at these photos repeatedly and I can only feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and to not look like a cancer patient at all. Bongga!!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the peace and courage, which can only come from YOU! 

My Birthday and the Blues

This year, for the first time ever, the birthday blues are real for me. I feel like I go through it every time my birthday is coming up but come to think of it, it was all just drama. I didn't have any valid reason for feeling sad on my birthday ever. 

Urban Dictionary defines it as : a general sadness or feeling down by a person on or around his birthday. The factors that can cause this include: 

Being upset at officially aging another year

Being disappointed or not having expectations met by a birthday celebration or gifts.

Being unsatisfied with accomplishments since the previous birthday.

Oddly, these reasons sound so funny to me. They've never applied. First of all, I've never felt seriously upset about adding another candle to my already jampacked birthday cake. In fact, it's the least of my concerns up to now. Expectations not met? Maybe but not enough to give me the b-blues. Unsatisfied with accomplishments? Still a no. I've worked my *ss off for so many years, I think I've done a good job raising my kids despite the fact that I'm not perfect. N and I have been together for 12 years and that, too, is an achievement as far as I'm concerned. So no, sorry, none of the above! 

But this year, the b-blues have a reason for being here. 

I need not say more.

This was at my birthday celebration in 2011, HEAT Edsa Shangri-la

The year before that, my birthday celebration at The Stock Market in Boni High Street

This year, the photos won't include him, but he'll be around and I'm 101% sure of it. The first thing I'll do when I wake up tomorrow as a 44-year old will be to cry (I'm also 101% sure of that hehe!). I'll cry because for so long, the first greeting I always received was my Dad's. My birthday is the only time of the year he calls me "my original baby girl". But I'll also cry when I thank God for allowing me to get to where I am, inspite of the challenges this year.

I've been trying to recall what Dad's last birthday gift to me was. I think it was money and I spent it right away, that's why I don't remember haha. But seriously, I can't imagine celebrating every birthday from now on without him there. The Daddy's Girl will probably always cry on her birthday starting tomorrow, knowing that there will be one less person to greet her.

Thanks, Daddy, for all the bongga birthday celebrations and gifts you've given me all these years. You can now tell God directly what you want Him to give me for my birthday. Just look into my heart and you'll find it there. I miss you big time and I love you forever. 

4th Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson #4 : Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does.

Here's an excerpt from the book:
There were a lot of signs telling me to lighten up, to slow down, and focus on what really mattered.

This sounds all too familiar to me. My life has always been like EDSA at rush hour. There was hardly any time to "stop and smell the roses". It was always work, work, work because for the most part, I wanted to. Secondly, I had to. There was time when Anissa was 4 to about 6 years old, when it would be so normal for me to leave the office at 9pm. When I left that job, I took a 2-month respite and that was the only time I realized that my daughter had been having dinners with the Yaya all those years!

After 2 months though, it was back to the daily grind for me ... until 2 years ago. Still, it wasn't a choice I made when I left the corporate world in July of 2010. In fact, it was more forced than anything. But today, more than 2 years later, I'm seeing everything come into play. By everything, I'm referring to God's plan. I can't imagine being diagnosed with breast cancer and having to resign from work because I'm sick. It would've been more painful to do that.

The Lord forced me to slow down because I wouldn't have done it myself. When I left my last job, it was my Mom who first told me that it could be God's way of telling me to slow down and this time, take care of my kids on a full-time basis. Mother knows best? She was so right. I've been a stay-at-home Mom since then and despite having some difficulty adjusting to the new role, I've survived the past 2 years without much regret. Today, I'm truly thankful that I can focus 100% on getting better and not worry about work. I don't even have to think about how I'm going to get back into the employment scene after my treatments are over because at the moment, that is really not an option.

I thank God everyday for the opportunity to see my kids grow and be part of their lives like I never was in the past. I thank God for blessing me with the stay-at-home Mom status because it prepared me enough for what I'm going through right now.

I am so different from who I was when I wore suits and heels everyday. Sure I no longer get to swipe my credit card anytime I want, buy pretty things left and right on a whim, treat my kids to expensive shopping sprees every single weekend (to make up for lost time). But the rewards are huge. A small part of me still wishes I could be financially independent, which is why I have a small business in the works.

My life began to slow down 2 years ago and I can now see clearly why it did.

Nope, I no longer take myself too seriously nowadays. I may still be so OC sometimes, but that's really me. Otherwise, I'm cool. Here's proof.

Hehehe!

Closer to the weekend!!! 

Gimme Some Lovin'

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3rd Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson # 3 : Life is too short to waste time hating anyone (or anything).

Another thing I had to work hard on, seriously. The word HATE is so easy to mouth right?

I hate the weather.
I hate my hair today.
I hate getting stuck in traffic when I'm in a rush!
I hate my teacher for giving me so much homework.
I hate the food in _______.
I hate him because he's such a pr*ck!

To some people, the word's part of their everyday vocabulary. Guilty! But like they say, age does certain things to you that you can't explain. It mellows you, for one. That's what it's done to me. I've come a long way from my war freak days (ask my best friends). I was never physically violent, but my passionate nature led me into the most embarrassing (in retrospect) situations I can now laugh so hard about. Back then though, my feistiness and short-temper were things I was truly proud of.

Because I'm really really passionate about things, I'd also very quickly feel hatred towards things or people. If something didn't work right, I'd hate it and never use it again. If someone did me wrong - intentionally or otherwise - I'd hate that person and write him/her off my list. Sure, I still do that nowadays. I know a lot of people do the same. But the word HATE and the intense feelings that go with it are quite a thing of the past already. Again, I truly believe it's a combination of age plus all the lessons life has taught me so far.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

I sure know what this means now. When you're told you have cancer, it automatically changes everything. Everything! My Mom told me that an illness is a real catalyst. It can change your life instantly. Your outlook, your mentality, your attitude --- it just turns everything around. This is what the cancer has done. Fortunately for me, regardless of the difficulty, I didn't allow the cancer to change me into a monster. I'm not saying I turned into a saint (that just sounds so funny). The cancer has given me the opportunity to see life differently and, therefore, see everything else with fresh eyes. Yes, fresh and not jaded. I may have been given cancer, but along with it came the most amazing transformations!

DO I STILL HATE?

I'll be totally honest. Of course I still do, especially when I'm not in the best of moods. But the difference is knowing when to hate and when not to, versus hating everything most of the time. When I do, I make sure I don't dwell on the negative feeling for too long. This is 'cause I've learned that it takes too much out of you. It's emotionally draining and it affects everyone around you because it'll show. I don't want to be a walking time bomb. This is exactly what you become when you fill yourself with negative thoughts and feelings. When you learn not to hate or hate a lot less than you normally do, you'll find that it's liberating, it makes you feel a lot lighter.

My emotional well-being is really so important to me right now. I recognize the need to be positive and to not focus on the cancer. Do I hate the cancer? I definitely don't love it, but I don't think I can say I ever hated it or I ever will. It's still not my friend, but even if that's the case, it's also given me so much that I should be thankful for. If only for that, I won't hate it.

Good night everyone, I hope you all had an uneventful day. Except for an unexpected blood test (Serum FSH), mine was.

2nd Installment : God Never Blinks

LESSON #2 : When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

Sigh ... what can I say. I've had to really take this lesson seriously. I think it's my corporate experience of more than 2 decades that taught me to always look at the big picture, to always have foresight. Sometimes, it really doesn't help to look too far ahead. Let me tell you why I think this is the case.

When I first realized I could be sick --- take note, this was on the day I discovered the lump, 2 weeks before the actual diagnosis --- I immediately cried and worried. Horrible thoughts ran through my mind. My children, N, my Mom, my brother. My life in general. What will happen to my kids if anything happens to me? Will N be able to handle being Dad AND Mom? Will my Mom be able to survive another casualty in the family? And what about my brother??? What if ... what if ... what if ... 

I looked soooooooo far into the future without really fully understanding yet what was going on. I allowed fear to take over and basically rule my thoughts. What did that do to me? I can't begin to describe how horrible it felt. As soon as I came face to face with all these bad thoughts, it got even worse. 

BABY STEPS. 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

These are what I told myself after my Dad died. There's no point in trying to rush things. 

It's the same thing with my illness. I didn't achieve anything by getting ahead of myself and the entire situation. It didn't help that I got scared first, before anything and everything else. 

So yeah I was in doubt ... deep deep doubt at that. It took a couple of days before I took that next small step. I had to pray so hard for all the bad feelings to go away. I prayed with all my heart and asked the Lord to take over the situation. That was my next small step. I lifted everything up to Him. It was a baby step but it also felt so right. I know I did the right thing because pretty soon, He gave me the peace I needed, so I could focus on working with my doctors so I could get better. 

Since that day, I haven't looked back. There are good days and bad days. The bad days are few but when I'm having one, I just go back and take that same small step I took back then. After all, there really isn't much you can do on your own.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? Praying to God and surrendering everything sounds like a huge move and yet for me it was the "small step" I needed to take to get me out of that sink hole I was in. It was small because I couldn't see anything beyond it, but big because God turned it all around and saved me from my own terrible thoughts. 

Getting Wiggy With It

I've been waiting for the wigs from one of my best friends who's California-based. She told me she would send me a couple, through a friend who was flying to Manila. I finally got them today! 

I've never ever worn a wig before, not even as part of a costume. So I was kinda excited to try them out. I opened the box and the first thing I noticed was the color --- I fell in love! I hoped at least one of them would look good on me. 

Wig #1 - it's a bob, but the sides are longer than the back part

Wig #2 - has more pronounced layers, but my issue with it is the top part, which I think has too much volume, it looks bulky. Don't you think? I hope my hair stylist can do something about this because I also like this hairstyle.

Most of my friends on Facebook chose wig #1 and so did I. 

Here's what it looks like with the proper lighting

I really appreciate the fact that the colour (highlights) looks soooo good!

Do you agree with the majority about wig #1? 

Just an added note ... I know a lot have told me that I look okay even without a wig. Here's the thing ... while I'm extremely flattered, I know for a fact that I can't walk around bald all the time. There are certain occasions when wearing a wig will be called for. I've also realized that no matter how impolite it is, people WILL STARE. I'm guilty of doing this sometimes --- who isn't? And no matter how happy or positive I am about my situation, I get annoyed when people stare. I know because I've had my share of weird looks. Remember that I'm also peri-menopausing. I wouldn't want to lash out at anyone in public for staring at me and end up in a cat fight. LOL.

How did the start of your week go?

1st of a Series on God Never Blinks

This book has been my constant companion ever since I bought it (from Fully Booked) more than a week ago. Unlike the many other books I've read in this lifetime, I'm not rushing to finish this one. In fact, I'm not even halfway done. It's the kind of book you'd want to be totally immersed in, because of all the lessons you take away from the author. I've had many lines glare at me, like they have lights all around them, because I can totally relate. I've had more than one "aha!" moment while reading it. I want to be able to bring it with me to chemo cycle 2 on the 20th, so I can distract myself from the psychological effect of the infusion. 

This is how much I love this book. I'm going to do a series of entries, focusing on each of the 50 lessons in it, and sharing my thoughts and personal experience. It will help me take stock of the many things this journey and my life in general, have taught me. Always good to note, right? 

Here we go...

LESSON #1 : Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

A friend asked me if I went through the usual stages when my Dad died and then, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I told her, "no". I was raised not to question God's will. I was taught that God, as the highest power, has full control over everyone's lives and can choose to do whatever He wants. We, as his children, follow His lead and never ever question. I recently realized that this was not entirely correct. God will not condemn us for questioning Him or His decisions. We are not like Him, we're human. We're allowed our little moments of anger and doubt. We CAN question Him. At the end of the day though, it's important to realize that despite the anger we feel towards Him, we should always return to Him and trust that He will hold our hands and walk with us. 

I never asked, "Why me, Lord??". I was afraid He might say, "Why NOT you? What is so special about you?". I don't feel I deserve to have breast cancer. I don't feel my children deserve to know that their mother is sick with cancer. I don't feel my Mom and my brother deserve the added pain of being told of my diagnosis, just 3 months after we lost my Dad. N doesn't deserve to be burdened with my illness because he's been so faithful to God in anything and everything. But life deals cards that you don't necessarily like. Life's like that. You just learn to swim with the current, make the most of the situation and know that despite all the difficulties, there is always something to be thankful for! 

The very first thing that came to mind when I found out I had breast cancer? 

THANK GOD, MY CHILDREN ARE HEALTHY! I thought about it again and again, internalized it and said thank you so many times, I've lost count. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to worry about my kids being sick with anything more than the flu. I was and still am so thankful that it's me He gave the cancer to. I'll forever be grateful for it. 

So yeah, life is unfair, I'll admit that. But I'll always be quick to follow it up ... it is still SO GOOD. 

Wishing everyone a great week ahead! 

Of Flesh and Blood I'm Made

If you're an 80's kid, the title of this entry will sound familiar to you. It's from the song, "Human" by The Human League. I was reminded of it a few days ago when I gave in to a moment of weakness, because I realized that my hair or whatever little was left of it (after I went for the semi-kalbo look) continued to fall off. It could've also been one of those mood swings that my Onco told N and I to prepare for. Regardless of where it came from, I again applied my 15-minute strategy. I cried and cried and even asked Neal to come and hold my hand while I did (yeah, in the bathroom away from the kids' eyes). He sat there with me, told me to pray for acceptance, reassured me that he was right there, asked me what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go (I seriously thought of replying, "Disneyland, I wanna go to Disneyland right now. It's the happiest place on earth and I don't want to be anything but that!" or some other crazy kind of retort). If he had asked me if I wanted him to buy me something, I would've said, "Yeah, a Moynat Initial Canvas Bag in this particular color would be the best pick-me upper and I will love you 10x more!" 

But seriously, all I wanted to do at that particular moment was to cry and release all the painful feelings because they had no place in my already technically cancer-free body. N continued to soothe me and comfort me until the sobbing ended and I felt a lot better. 

I got up, got ready for my Oncologist appointment and the rest of what happened that day is in this previous entry. I can't count the times that God must've said, "Uh oh, she's having one of those lapses again, time for me to intervene.". He always does. He did again this time, as you may have read in that previous entry. He sent my Oncologist to make me feel better, and even went another step further by showing me what a success story that man with cancer cells in his brain is. That same evening, I saw our hair stylist, Mary at Emphasis in Rockwell and I told her to get rid of all the remaining hair. 

So yeah, what I'm really also trying to say here is ... I know that many think of me as strong, positive, cheerful and kick ass. I AM. But it doesn't mean I don't have my share of weak episodes. Another thing I've learned on this journey is to let go ... that includes letting go of all these emotions that can sometimes come rushing from nowhere and hit you at the most unexpected times. To let go is to allow God's grace to flow through your body. His grace and negative emotions can't co-exist. Peace will only come when you've allowed yourself to face the pain and then release it. Yup, I didn't think losing my hair would be this painful (no matter how many times I've heard  other people say it). I thought I could handle it by repeating to myself, "It will grow back ... it's just hair." It was really painful to see it all go nonetheless. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not vain and I'm certain of that. 

When the tears and the emotions came, I embraced them and allowed them to consume me ... but only so that I can let them all go. I'm alright now. I can look at myself in the mirror and not tear up. Sabine sometimes calls me Mommy Kalbo when she's in a playful mood. Anissa (N told me secretly) was worried when I first had my hair shaved, but he spoke to her and assured her I was okay. 

It's Sunday ... I hope you all have a blessed one. I know I will.

Pre-Chemo Check

It's SOP to have your blood tested before every chemotherapy session. I had my blood extracted yesterday and took the results to my Oncologist this afternoon. 

As expected, my WBC (white blood cell) count was below the normal range. Chemo really does that. However, my Onco says she doesn't see the need to pump me with meds to raise the level to normal. Mainly because she believes my body can recover naturally, largely due to my outlook. It's always good to hear your doctor tell you that you're on the right track. Basically, we both agree that the mind is an extremely powerful tool. You gravitate towards your thoughts, you almost always do!

Like in the past, I left her clinic feeling even more positive than when I arrived. I needed that "push" because Thursday wasn't a very good day and today also didn't start out quite well (a bit of a hair loss issue). As if her words still weren't enough, she told me about the patient who was in line after me. The man was in his 70s, he didn't look like he had cancer at all. Except for the fact that he had a slow walk with the aid of a cane, every other inch of him looked normal. I was shocked when Dra. Marina told me that this man had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (I forget what kind) and was told he didn't have too long to live because the cancer had spread to his brain --- this was THREE YEARS AGO. 

Really inspiring.

So again, the Lord delivers. I had been ranting the entire morning about "things" and he gave me something to smile and be thankful about. I don't know if this was a delayed reaction or a mood swing (I'm menopausing, remember?). Whatever it was, it was gone the minute I left the doctor's clinic. 

Oh ... and because I had hair loss issues today, I decided to wear one of two scarves that one of my bestfriends gave me

I really wish I had asked her to buy a few more pieces. This scarf is especially made for the head so it's really a no-fuss piece. If there is anyone out there who can recommend a local seller of chemotherapy head gear, please leave a comment!

Happy weekend to all! 

I Love Regina Brett

I'm so sure I'll be blogging more about this wonderful author, whose book, GOD NEVER BLINKS, I'm reading at the moment. My highlighter and I are inseparable because I need to remember so many parts, the ones that scream out to me! 

Here's one line that did that :

Life will kick you around like a World Cup soccer ball. 

Keep your bounce.

Is it easier said than done? Perhaps. But at the end of the day, the choice is really ours. If you're finding it hard to bounce, ask help from up there. :) 

I'm so blessed to be in His graces. I owe my bounce to Him.

Less Than A Week To Go

There's no date set for my 2nd chemo cycle yet, because everything will depend on my blood test results. I'm getting those tests tomorrow and seeing my Onco with them on the next day. This is protocol for chemo. The doctor needs to make sure your body is ready for each upcoming infusion.

As the week draws near, I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I'm not sure if it's all part of the anxiety or because everyone around me has been sick. Before the first cycle last Oct 23, I remember telling my Onco that I felt like I was coming down with something and she immediately dismissed it as stress because I was nervous. She was right, I didn't get sick at all.

Here's a confession : I am a bit nervous again even if I already know what to expect. I think it's more psychological than anything. I know I should be dwelling more on the fact that I'm so lucky I can go home after each session. But I can't lie. I was so uncomfortable the first time and I felt sick (again, pyschological). I'm going to pray so hard that it won't be like that again. I take my hat off to those who go to their chemo sessions as if they were just going to the grocery, with no companion. I know I've been so strong all this time, but I don't think I can ever go to chemo just by myself. I need someone there to distract me and to talk to. 

PRAYER WARRIORS, I need you :) 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

It's sooooo strange.

Today, I started thinking about hair fall because it will be 2 weeks since my first chemo session tomorrow. My Onco told me that my hair should start falling at around this time. In fact, I texted her again today just to make sure I got the timing right. She confirmed it. 

So around after lunch, I began to seriously think of getting rid of my hair. I didn't want to have to see huge clumps of hair falling. I also wanted to spare N and my kids from the sadness of seeing me go through something so drastic.

Late in the afternoon, I took a shower. I don't know what urged me to do it but I combed my fingers through my hair as I was towel drying it. Then there it was! 

Although you don't see too much hair, this is really not the normal amount of hair that falls off your head after you shower (using just one hand and focusing on a small area), right? Certainly not for me. I repeated the action a few more times just to make sure I wasn't over-reacting, but I got the same result each time. This was it. The moment I had been anticipating. Not totally dreading, but I admit, I was really nervous about it and was worried about how I might react. How is it that I was debating with myself about whether to shave my hair off or not, and in just a few hours, I got my answer? I swear, God has been so faithful. He continues to watch over me. Why else was my dilemma solved so quickly? 

We were going to have dinner at my SIL's house, it was past 6pm by the time I called N's attention. So I told him, let's just go somewhere --- anywhere! A salon, a barber, whatever. I didn't need an expensive senior hair stylist to do it. I wanted it done pronto. We told the kids to prepare them and it went well because they knew this day was going to come. 

I ended up going to a small salon close to my SIL's house somewhere in the Scout Area. The guy (errr, gay guy) who did the honors happened to know right off the bat that I was having my hair shaved off because of chemo. He said his SIL had the same experience and he was the one who did this very same thing to her hair. He was nonchalant about it, not overly-cautious to the point of being OA. Bravo! That's exactly how I wanted him to act. Parang wala lang.

And how did I do while he was busy doing his job? 

My face was distorted in the 3rd photo, not because I wanted to cry about all the hair I lost. I couldn't believe how much grey hair I had hahaha!!! Kainis! 

He really did a great job. He was thorough and clean. He even fixed the back part so it wouldn't look so kalat. See? And do you see my puyo? Parang I have two haha! You know what they say about people who have two of these, right? :p

Here's my brave family taking it all in stride. I am so proud of them! 

So yeah, no more blow drying and using my trusty Rowenta hair iron from now on until my hair grows back. I'm hoping I get the same, if not, better hair! 

P.S. Do you agree that I can do without a head scarf for now? That's what everyone in the salon said.

Thinking...

Less trauma if I shave my head NOW before the first patch of hair starts to fall? 

(Onco says it WILL happen ... around 2 weeks after first session. That's tomorrow!)

Hence, the post's title ... 

Sunday Thought

Copied from a friend's Facebook wall because it's so beautiful and true

When I see that the burden is beyond my strength, I do not consider or analyze it or probe into it. But I run like a child to the Heart of Jesus and say only one thing to Him

"YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS"

This long weekend is almost over. It was so good while it lasted!

Have a blessed Sunday! 

Update on My Side Effects

THEY'RE GONE!

Not that they were such a big issue to me. They weren't at all and I can't count the number of people who told me how blessed I am to have not felt any of the severe ones. 

I can only PRAY that it will be this way until all my treatments are done. 

I have 5 to go, the next one is coming up on the week of November 12. Not really looking forward to it, but I'm working so hard on being positive and not dwelling on my anxieties. 

I hope you keep praying for me!

P.S.

Other than the gas and the "sleepy all the time" side effect, I also experienced some constipation. But this only lasted around 2 days and I didn't even take the meds my Onco said I could take. Awesome!

All Saints Day

Our first All Saints Day since Daddy passed away. This time, we're focused on him and not on our other dearly departed ones. Nothing personal, of course. It'll probably be this way for a while. There are no tears, just that nagging sad feeling in our hearts because we really miss him. 

Yes, his ashes are still with us ... with Mama. The crypt is waiting, but Mama needs time. 

My girls miss him all the time, especially on weekends. I don't know how they'll feel during the holidays. I know I'm not really looking forward to it. 

As always and in honor of him who loved to eat and cook, we had this spread for lunch!

Chopsuey, Kare Kare, Pork Binagoongan and Roast Chicken (for the kids). For merienda, we had Sausages and Potato Salad. Wow, sino'ng may birthday? :) 

Every All Saints Day will probably be spent this way from now on. Just us. 

With Daddy just hanging around somewhere near, for sure. 

I still keep waiting to hear his voice whenever the family is all together. I can hear it in my head sometimes. The jokes, the mean wisecracks, the cuss words, the loving way he spoke to my kids. 

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord. And let perpetual light shine upon him.

May he rest in peace. Amen.

I miss you big time, Daddy.

P.S.
Yup, I had all the food you see here and more! 2 small bowls of rice, too.
Now is that a chemotherapy side effect or what?! :))