Year-End Thoughts (Part 1)

Dear 2012,

I still can't put a finger on how I feel about you. It would be so easy to say I HATE YOU for all the challenges my family and I faced this year. 

Daddy passed away without warning in May

3 months later, I was in my doctor's clinic and told I have breast cancer

For anyone else who has gone through painful and major life changes this year, hatred the easiest thing to feel for the year that's about to leave us. I tell you, I am not alone in this. I can name a few people in my network who will tell me they've had it with this year, too. 

A friend lost her Mom and husband in a span of weeks

A cousin lost her father in November and brother on Christmas Day

Another friend lost her brother and was diagnosed with breast cancer months after

4 teenage boys (2 of whom are siblings), the best friends of the son of one of my girl best friends, were killed in that awful car accident in Ayala Alabang 

A young man passed away in another car accident in Valle Verde, the nephew of a friend

Seriously, I can name more.

WHAT THE HELL, 2012?!?!?!

Did you have a bone to pick with any of us? Why? What for? In my mind, you're like this kid bully in school, who is so miserable, he has to make other people miserable, too. 

But you're lucky, I'm old enough to not dwell too much on the bad. So I'll cut you some slack. 

In church yesterday, this line stood out : FINISH WELL. I guess that was the theme of the sermon because it was the last Sunday of 2012, the last worship day for everyone. The year is about to end and it's now time to look back, review, re-assess then end the year right. Many of us believe that we should never usher in a new year with pessimistic eyes. It's like being grumpy and whiny on a Monday. They say your whole week will be bad if your Monday starts out this way. 

It's really a choice one needs to make. Do I want to say goodbye to 2012 with a heavy heart and welcome 2013 with the same? Or do I want to do this...

THE BAD

Lost my Dad

Diagnosed with breast cancer (and experienced every other difficulty that goes with it)

THE GOOD

My family is much stronger and we are even closer after Daddy left us

I now have someone very dear to me who intercedes for me up there

Real friends - we now know who they are

My cancer is early stage

My lymph nodes are not compromised

My HER2 test came out negative, meaning my cancer was not the aggressive kind

My first ever bone scan turned out to be negative of any metastasis 

I recovered beautifully from the major surgeries I've had to undergo

I've not suffered the nasty side effects of chemotherapy

The Lord introduced me to wonderful, compassionate and intelligent doctors

The Lord brought people into my life to provide support, wisdom, guidance and friendship!

My doctors introduced me to new friends ... all of whom are breast cancer warriors like myself, and from whom I continue to learn about faith, strength and positivity

I've experienced an outpouring of love and concern from family, relatives, friends, even those I've never even met before - so overwhelming that it reduces me to tears each time!

I've seen and experienced kindness and a genuine desire to help, coming from all directions, like I've never seen before 

MORE IMPORTANTLY, here are the things I've learned, re-learned and gained this year:

Humility

Praying from the heart (yes, I thought I knew how to do this already)

Acceptance

That gratitude heals - I promise you it does!

A deeper love for life and everyone around me

A deeper understanding of God's love for all of us

I'm crying as I try to end this entry. Mainly because I still don't know if I should hate or love you, 2012. I gave you the credit you deserve, so I guess you're not that bad. Nonetheless, I can't wait to say goodbye to you tonight. 

I'll never ever forget you, that's for sure. But I know that soon enough, and because 2013 will be AWESOME, I'll look back at you and say

Thanks for giving me all that crap because it's making me appreciate all the amazing things I havetoday!!! 

Sunday Thought

One of the reasons this blog exists

Have a blessed Sunday!

The Many Changes

It's been 2 months since I started undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. I've had three cycles of FEC (fluorouracil, epirubicin, cyclophosphamide) so far and I have 3 cycles to go. The 4th will most likely be on January 8, 2013 if my WBC count is acceptable. The 4th to 6th cycles will involve Taxotere, supposedly the nastier one (and yes, cost-wise too!). 

I AM HALFWAY THROUGH MY TREATMENTS.

That's really how I want to look at it, so I can stay positive and not dwell on the "bad" stuff too much. What bad stuff? After 3 doses of FEC, here's what's happened : 

-I've lost quite an amount of hair except my eyebrows and eyelashes

-My nails have a bit of dark discoloration (on both thumbs at the moment)

Note : a lot of cancer patients say this should happen when you start getting Taxotere but I noticed the discoloration about a week ago

-I tire quite easily on some days

-My right arm feels badly beaten, like I have arthritis or something like that. It feels bruised and this is because all the infusions so far happen on this arm. My left arm is spared because I had a mastectomy of the left breast.

All in all though? I'm told by my doctors that I'm part of the 10% who are blessed to not experience extreme difficulty post-treatment. I can't imagine what the 90% go through!

But frankly, I've been having some not-so-good days lately. I guess it's because of the holidays and it's mostly due to the fact that I'm missing my Dad a lot more. I cry at the drop of a hat and I tend to blame it on missing him. But there are times when the thought of having to go back to chemo treatments after the new year also pisses me off. I'm told that it's normal to start feeling this way because you really want to get it over with but you can't rush things. There was this ONE time I actually wanted to explore alternative medicine because I remember feeling so scared about the next 3 cycles with Taxotere. Deep inside though, I know I'll never want to ditch chemo because doing so won't give me the peace of mind I'll need. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with all the uncertainties that come with chemotherapy.

IT'S A MIND GAME.

Chemo feels like poison. But it's going to make me well. 

Can you focus on those statements for 2 minutes and tell me if you can reconcile them? 

I can't. 

Each cancer patient is different. I've gone through a few forums where (breast) cancer patients talk about how both FEC and Taxotere affected them. It's different for each person. But the common side effects of Taxotere, based on what I've read so far are these :

Bone pain (can be addressed by pain killers)

Numbness in the fingers and toes

Everything tastes bad

Mouth sores

"Trots" or diarrhea

And in some rare cases, your nails can fall off!!!

So tell me, how would you feel if you were in my shoes, waiting for the first dose of Taxotere???

It's like being at the starting line again, facing the unexpected.

CANCER IS NOT A FRIGGING GIFT.

There, I said it! 

I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who've been telling me how inspired you are by my strength. I'm not strong all the time. In fact, whenever I feel vulnerable and weak, I never ever deny it and I always allow myself to fall into that dark pit of despair. Why? Because the release does me well. I scream my head off (well, in my mind) and cry buckets of tears when I feel like it and I do it now without shame, unlike when this was all just starting. 

A friend who's also a breast cancer patient told me that no matter how strong and positive she was during her journey, there came a point when she just really didn't care about showing her weak side anymore. She had to or she would've gone nuts. So yeah, I'm entitled to fall every now and then. What matters is I know that I need to get up again and I do it each time. Needless to say, prayers help a great deal. 

Thanks for hearing me out. This wasn't meant to be an angry entry. I also don't mean to scare anyone, if any of you is on the same boat and just haven't spoken up. 

This is me keeping it real. 

Take A Break If You Have To

Someone offered me this advice earlier on and I happily took it and turned it into something. Thanks to a most generous mother who felt we all deserved a short respite from everything, we spent a few days up north, in the summer capital. It's been a while since I vacationed in Baguio in December. So I really looked forward to enjoying the weather, especially since Manila has been unusually warm this year so far. I had a difficult time finding a place for us but the heavens wanted this to happen for my family. In no time, we were off!

I'm so thankful that my prayers were heard and my last chemo cycle happened on December 13th. My Oncologist originally said, if my WBC count was below normal, that 3rd cycle would happen on the 18th, the day before we left for Baguio. If it did, I would've been in bed the whole time during our stay. BUT ... the viral laryngitis episode made it possible for chemo to take place on the 13th. This gave me just the right amount of time to recover and by the time we left for Baguio, I was 90% alright. Amazing!!!

The fresh, cold air did us all a lot of good. I wanted to go to Baguio more than any other place because of this. Plus, all the fresh vegetables, of course! 

More importantly, the 4 days spent with loved ones were so worth it! 

Thank you, Mama, for this enjoyable and relaxing trip! It hasn't been easy for you, dealing with so much trials this year, but your strength inspires me all the time. I love you with all my heart!

Thank you, Hon and baby girls, for the oh so precious quality time spent. I look forward to our next family vacation, after chemo treatments are done next year!

Thank you, dear Lord, for making this happen! 

P.S. And yes, it was twice as cold without hair! HAHAHA! 

Halfway done and living on the fast lane

I've had 3 chemo treatments so far. That means I'm halfway done with them. It's been 2 days and so far, the only side effects I've felt are the usual. PRAISE GOD. I was even able to leave the house yesterday to go to an event with N and Sabine. I was feeling so normal and so up to it that I agreed to go.

It was a huge event, something that people had been looking forward to, so we expected a huge crowd at the venue. Our intention was to fall in line for our number, leave to have dinner and go around the area, then go back. I was shocked to see the amount of people waiting around for their turn! 

Was even more surprised when after an initial check done on the documents we brought with us, a lady  happily said, "Sir, Ma'am please follow her so you can go directly to the Fast Lane." I wondered why, because she didn't really say. 

To cut a long story short, as opposed to those who waited 5 or 6 hours, we were done in less than 3 ... processing included. Then I realized why we were given special treatment. I didn't wear my wig. I was wearing a head wrap, so I guess that I was a dead giveaway. A good friend who works for the company who owned the event confirmed that they have instructions to usher Senior Citizens, handicapped pesons to the Fast Lane as a courtesy. HANDICAPPED. The word kept flashing in my mine like a neon sign. 

I ended up sleeping at past 2am because of this. Hormones? Maybe. But I just kept thinking about it because I had just come from a chemo session (which is always a psychological struggle for me) and then being given VIP treatment because I obviously have cancer? It was the kind of blow that I totally didn't expect. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Only someone who's in my shoes will know what I'm driving at. Reality bites and it does big time!!!

Anyway, it's the weekend before we leave on our much-needed family vacation. I'm so ready to let all of this go and enjoy this trip with my loved ones. Next chemo session won't be until after the new year. 

Thank you, Lord ... for allowing me to be treatment-free for the holidays. 

Dear Lord, during this trial,
I offer up to you my confusion
Give me clarity
I offer up to you my despair
Give me hope
I offer up to you my weakness
Give me strength
I offer up to you my pettiness
Give me generosity of spirit.
I offer up to you all my
Negative thoughts from Satan
So that when he asks ‘Where is Your God now?”
I may respond “Right here with me, giving me His grace
As a Heavenly beam of light penetrating your darkness!"

Wishing all of you a peaceful weekend!

Thank God for Headware

I don't know why it took me months to discover them. If my friends hadn't given me one of the head scarves, I really wouldn't have known that Headware existed.

I've been wearing my wig a lot, thanks to a very generous, Super Friend who sent it (and another one) to me all the way from California. But seriously, there are times when I'm out in public and I'm so tempted to take it off. It is just so hot to wear in the kind of weather we're having. 

Yesterday, I decided to use one of the Christmas presents I've already received from friends. It's the most basic kind of Headware in a really pretty design.

I instantly fell in love the minute I put this on. Even my daughters told me I should only wear my wig/s when I really have to or on special occasions. This is really a lot lighter and more convenient to wear on a daily basis. 

Their tagline, "Keep Your Head Happy" is so appropriate. I wore this the whole day yesterday and not once felt bothered or burdened. It was so liberating!

If you go to Headware's official website, you'll find that there are so many ways to wear this basic style. This means, it's not something I need to give away when my hair grows back. I can keep it and use it as  a headband, a neck scarf, a face mask, or even as a bandeau!

Good thing I had a last minute errand to run before dinner. I went to Greenhills to have some things exchanged and walked over to Planet Sports in V-Mall to find maybe a couple more of these. 

I bought the first one in Planet Sports and then for some reason, I found myself inside The Travel Club (looking at suitcases, I don't know why!) and saw they carry Headware too. The tie-dye and solid gray ones are from there. 

According to their Facebook Page, these are made of 100% Polyester Microfibre. They're breathable and elastic. I'm already thinking of who I can give these to for Christmas. 

I'm hoping to find a really nice black and red one and then I guess I'm done. The basic style (depending on the design) costs as low as P290.00. Price will go up if you get their Limited Edition styles, but I still don't think they're too expensive, given the many ways you can use them. 

This isn't a paid post, btw. I'm just really so excited about this discovery. 

Now which one to use when I go to chemo cycle 3 today? Hmmm...

Not Just Yet...

Apparently, I celebrated too soon. My tummy, almost 3 months after surgery, is not really in its final shape or size yet. In fact, there's a bit of new swelling going on, and it's on one side only, making the area look strange and sometimes difficult to stare at. I saw my PS (Plastic Surgeon) Yen Asedillo last Thursday and she confirmed that the reason for the swelling is that the area is weak. I can't remember all the other terms she used but that's the bottom-line, the abdominal walls are weak and are still healing. Why only on one side? It happens, based on something I read last night (yes, sometimes I still can't help but Google, so sue me). 

There's a really quick-fix for this according to the story and also to Yen. I can undergo a procedure which will require regional anaesthesia, where a mesh will be put in place. But according to Yen, it's a CHOICE I can make, not a requirement. It's kind of a relief to know this because another surgical procedure is the last thing I want at this time. NO. I just had to put my foot down and I told her, I won't have it because I'm still so traumatized from all the surgeries and the on-going poking with needles. I can't think of anything else other than chemo (and going through it til March) right now and I want to focus on that. 

So in the meantime, what do I do about the bulge? Btw, it's not hernia, which is another possibility and which REQUIRES the surgical repair no doubt. I need to be patient about it, that's what. Yen reminded me for the Nth time to keep wearing my girdles, no matter how uncomfortable they feel. 

Fine. Atleast it's not a major medical issue that I need to be extremely worried about and not a rare case either. Meantime, back to focusing on my treatments and yes, back to wearing dresses more! 

It's Tuesday, how's your week going so far? Exam week for us! 

Viral Laryngitis

This was my Oncologist's diagnosis of my throat issue when I visited her last Thursday. My WBC count was not dangerously low, in fact, it was higher than when I had a CBC in between the first 2 rounds of chemo. But she wanted me get the shot that would make it (WBC) go up anyway. 

For those of you who follow this blog for info, the shot is subcutaneous and The Medical City will charge you roughly Php7,000 for it. 

She listened to my chest and declared that my lungs were clear. YAY!!! I'm thankful that my prayers for zero infection worked and I was still able to execute my Motherly duties last Friday and Saturday. 

Except for a minor throat itch (which can be addressed by my Kamillosan spray), I'm all good! Oh and not to forget .. I gargle with Bactidol 2x a day as advised by my Onco. Not a problem with me because we can never be without Bactidol at home. A really good alternative to this, of course, would be your trusty salt in warm water. 

The earliest I can have my 3rd chemo cycle is this Thursday, the 13th. That will happen if my next CBC is favorable. Hopefully, it will be, due to the shot I got last week. I'm still not looking forward to the cycle (as always) but I want it to happen this week so I can really enjoy the short vacation we're all going on with my Mom before Christmas. 

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!!! 

God bless us all!

Sore Throat

I woke up this morning and my throat felt abnormal. Not painful at all, it felt rough and slightly itchy. I knew something was up. So I drank my Echinacea tea to fight off whatever this was and since I ran out of my favorite Ilog Maria throat spray, I had to settle for something that I could buy from the nearest Mercury Drug store. 

A Twitter friend said that this is known to work

This tiny bottle cost me more than Php400, versu Ilog Maria's Throat Spray (honey propolis) which is a bit taller than this bottle but only costs about P100. 

I sprayed this in my mouth twice today, but my throat feels the same. I'm hoping it'll be a different story when I wake up in the morning. I'm so paranoid about getting sick while I'm in the midldle of treatments. 

Praying to be spared from any kind of infection!

11 Days After

Absolutely no side effects now. Today is the 11th day since chemo cycle 2. Good times, yes! I've been busy doing the things I wouldn't be able to do with the side effects there. I've been mostly doing things for the kids and with the family. I went malling today and it felt gooooooood! 

Please help me pray for my next cycle. I want it to happen on December 13, but that all depends on my blood test. If my WBC count is below normal (like it was the first time), we have to wait a bit. Which means I'll have chemo on the 18th. That's the day before we leave for Baguio. I really would like to enjoy our trip. Mom thinks it's okay, I can sleep all I want while I'm there. The purpose of the trip is for everyone to relax, after all. The thing is, I wanna step out and smell the fresh air. Something I won't be able to do if my usual downtime happens while we're there. 

I'm gonna be praying extra hard this time! 

It's Monday again tomorrow, we're one week closer to 2nd term exams. I'm so happy I get to study with the kids before chemo happens again. 

Hope you all had a really relaxing long weekend!