At my Oncologist's clinic yesterday, I told Dra. Marina that I was feeling a bit under the weather, like I was coming down with something (the ridiculously cold air-conditioning at The Medical City made it worse!). She didn't bat an eyelash and said, "You're stressed out about starting chemo. It's normal but try your best to relax about it." I guess she's heard and seen it happen a thousand times.
I've asked myself what I'm really afraid of and why. Before the surgeries, I don't remember feeling agitated, until I got to the operating room and waited for the anaesthesia to kick in. But with the chemotherapy, I've had these afraid moments on and off. They don't last very long, but they come back from time to time. Others have said they're more afraid about the nausea, some about losing their hair. I can't pinpoint one reason. So I'm thinking, I'm apprehensive about chemotherapy in general.
I have no doubt that I need to undergo these 6 cycles for the next 18 weeks until the end of February. I never, for one moment, thought of exploring other treatment options. I've heard of other people totally ditching the idea of getting chemotherapy or radiation treatments because they were too afraid of what these will do to their bodies. But unlike them, my question to myself initially was ... shouldn't I be afraid of what might happen if I DON'T do what the doctors are telling me to do? I've followed all their orders so far and because I did, I'm here, I'm better and I'm on my way to recovery.
This is how I look at it. When it comes to how a cancer patient wants to be treated, it's to each his own. But really ... I would rather listen to the doctors on this one. I have no previous experience and I can't generalize based on the stories I've heard from other people. It all boils down to what the patient wants.
After careful analysis, I've come to realize that the start of my chemo sessions have made the cancer more REAL to me. That's probably another reason I'm nervous about the first session. Dra. Marina says it's just like any "first time". You're nervous about it but the succeeding times will be better because you already know more or less what to expect.
I'm truly blessed that my chemo sessions are all out-patient, I won't have to be in the hospital for more than 2 hours. At the end of each session, I can go home and my loved ones can take care of me.
All that said, there's no turning back for me. It's all going to happen in 6 days. I've been praying hard and I know that I'm blessed to have prayer warriors who are doing the same.
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