Year-End Thoughts (Part 1)

Dear 2012,

I still can't put a finger on how I feel about you. It would be so easy to say I HATE YOU for all the challenges my family and I faced this year. 

Daddy passed away without warning in May

3 months later, I was in my doctor's clinic and told I have breast cancer

For anyone else who has gone through painful and major life changes this year, hatred the easiest thing to feel for the year that's about to leave us. I tell you, I am not alone in this. I can name a few people in my network who will tell me they've had it with this year, too. 

A friend lost her Mom and husband in a span of weeks

A cousin lost her father in November and brother on Christmas Day

Another friend lost her brother and was diagnosed with breast cancer months after

4 teenage boys (2 of whom are siblings), the best friends of the son of one of my girl best friends, were killed in that awful car accident in Ayala Alabang 

A young man passed away in another car accident in Valle Verde, the nephew of a friend

Seriously, I can name more.

WHAT THE HELL, 2012?!?!?!

Did you have a bone to pick with any of us? Why? What for? In my mind, you're like this kid bully in school, who is so miserable, he has to make other people miserable, too. 

But you're lucky, I'm old enough to not dwell too much on the bad. So I'll cut you some slack. 

In church yesterday, this line stood out : FINISH WELL. I guess that was the theme of the sermon because it was the last Sunday of 2012, the last worship day for everyone. The year is about to end and it's now time to look back, review, re-assess then end the year right. Many of us believe that we should never usher in a new year with pessimistic eyes. It's like being grumpy and whiny on a Monday. They say your whole week will be bad if your Monday starts out this way. 

It's really a choice one needs to make. Do I want to say goodbye to 2012 with a heavy heart and welcome 2013 with the same? Or do I want to do this...

THE BAD

Lost my Dad

Diagnosed with breast cancer (and experienced every other difficulty that goes with it)

THE GOOD

My family is much stronger and we are even closer after Daddy left us

I now have someone very dear to me who intercedes for me up there

Real friends - we now know who they are

My cancer is early stage

My lymph nodes are not compromised

My HER2 test came out negative, meaning my cancer was not the aggressive kind

My first ever bone scan turned out to be negative of any metastasis 

I recovered beautifully from the major surgeries I've had to undergo

I've not suffered the nasty side effects of chemotherapy

The Lord introduced me to wonderful, compassionate and intelligent doctors

The Lord brought people into my life to provide support, wisdom, guidance and friendship!

My doctors introduced me to new friends ... all of whom are breast cancer warriors like myself, and from whom I continue to learn about faith, strength and positivity

I've experienced an outpouring of love and concern from family, relatives, friends, even those I've never even met before - so overwhelming that it reduces me to tears each time!

I've seen and experienced kindness and a genuine desire to help, coming from all directions, like I've never seen before 

MORE IMPORTANTLY, here are the things I've learned, re-learned and gained this year:

Humility

Praying from the heart (yes, I thought I knew how to do this already)

Acceptance

That gratitude heals - I promise you it does!

A deeper love for life and everyone around me

A deeper understanding of God's love for all of us

I'm crying as I try to end this entry. Mainly because I still don't know if I should hate or love you, 2012. I gave you the credit you deserve, so I guess you're not that bad. Nonetheless, I can't wait to say goodbye to you tonight. 

I'll never ever forget you, that's for sure. But I know that soon enough, and because 2013 will be AWESOME, I'll look back at you and say

Thanks for giving me all that crap because it's making me appreciate all the amazing things I havetoday!!! 

Sunday Thought

One of the reasons this blog exists

Have a blessed Sunday!

The Many Changes

It's been 2 months since I started undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. I've had three cycles of FEC (fluorouracil, epirubicin, cyclophosphamide) so far and I have 3 cycles to go. The 4th will most likely be on January 8, 2013 if my WBC count is acceptable. The 4th to 6th cycles will involve Taxotere, supposedly the nastier one (and yes, cost-wise too!). 

I AM HALFWAY THROUGH MY TREATMENTS.

That's really how I want to look at it, so I can stay positive and not dwell on the "bad" stuff too much. What bad stuff? After 3 doses of FEC, here's what's happened : 

-I've lost quite an amount of hair except my eyebrows and eyelashes

-My nails have a bit of dark discoloration (on both thumbs at the moment)

Note : a lot of cancer patients say this should happen when you start getting Taxotere but I noticed the discoloration about a week ago

-I tire quite easily on some days

-My right arm feels badly beaten, like I have arthritis or something like that. It feels bruised and this is because all the infusions so far happen on this arm. My left arm is spared because I had a mastectomy of the left breast.

All in all though? I'm told by my doctors that I'm part of the 10% who are blessed to not experience extreme difficulty post-treatment. I can't imagine what the 90% go through!

But frankly, I've been having some not-so-good days lately. I guess it's because of the holidays and it's mostly due to the fact that I'm missing my Dad a lot more. I cry at the drop of a hat and I tend to blame it on missing him. But there are times when the thought of having to go back to chemo treatments after the new year also pisses me off. I'm told that it's normal to start feeling this way because you really want to get it over with but you can't rush things. There was this ONE time I actually wanted to explore alternative medicine because I remember feeling so scared about the next 3 cycles with Taxotere. Deep inside though, I know I'll never want to ditch chemo because doing so won't give me the peace of mind I'll need. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with all the uncertainties that come with chemotherapy.

IT'S A MIND GAME.

Chemo feels like poison. But it's going to make me well. 

Can you focus on those statements for 2 minutes and tell me if you can reconcile them? 

I can't. 

Each cancer patient is different. I've gone through a few forums where (breast) cancer patients talk about how both FEC and Taxotere affected them. It's different for each person. But the common side effects of Taxotere, based on what I've read so far are these :

Bone pain (can be addressed by pain killers)

Numbness in the fingers and toes

Everything tastes bad

Mouth sores

"Trots" or diarrhea

And in some rare cases, your nails can fall off!!!

So tell me, how would you feel if you were in my shoes, waiting for the first dose of Taxotere???

It's like being at the starting line again, facing the unexpected.

CANCER IS NOT A FRIGGING GIFT.

There, I said it! 

I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who've been telling me how inspired you are by my strength. I'm not strong all the time. In fact, whenever I feel vulnerable and weak, I never ever deny it and I always allow myself to fall into that dark pit of despair. Why? Because the release does me well. I scream my head off (well, in my mind) and cry buckets of tears when I feel like it and I do it now without shame, unlike when this was all just starting. 

A friend who's also a breast cancer patient told me that no matter how strong and positive she was during her journey, there came a point when she just really didn't care about showing her weak side anymore. She had to or she would've gone nuts. So yeah, I'm entitled to fall every now and then. What matters is I know that I need to get up again and I do it each time. Needless to say, prayers help a great deal. 

Thanks for hearing me out. This wasn't meant to be an angry entry. I also don't mean to scare anyone, if any of you is on the same boat and just haven't spoken up. 

This is me keeping it real. 

Take A Break If You Have To

Someone offered me this advice earlier on and I happily took it and turned it into something. Thanks to a most generous mother who felt we all deserved a short respite from everything, we spent a few days up north, in the summer capital. It's been a while since I vacationed in Baguio in December. So I really looked forward to enjoying the weather, especially since Manila has been unusually warm this year so far. I had a difficult time finding a place for us but the heavens wanted this to happen for my family. In no time, we were off!

I'm so thankful that my prayers were heard and my last chemo cycle happened on December 13th. My Oncologist originally said, if my WBC count was below normal, that 3rd cycle would happen on the 18th, the day before we left for Baguio. If it did, I would've been in bed the whole time during our stay. BUT ... the viral laryngitis episode made it possible for chemo to take place on the 13th. This gave me just the right amount of time to recover and by the time we left for Baguio, I was 90% alright. Amazing!!!

The fresh, cold air did us all a lot of good. I wanted to go to Baguio more than any other place because of this. Plus, all the fresh vegetables, of course! 

More importantly, the 4 days spent with loved ones were so worth it! 

Thank you, Mama, for this enjoyable and relaxing trip! It hasn't been easy for you, dealing with so much trials this year, but your strength inspires me all the time. I love you with all my heart!

Thank you, Hon and baby girls, for the oh so precious quality time spent. I look forward to our next family vacation, after chemo treatments are done next year!

Thank you, dear Lord, for making this happen! 

P.S. And yes, it was twice as cold without hair! HAHAHA! 

Halfway done and living on the fast lane

I've had 3 chemo treatments so far. That means I'm halfway done with them. It's been 2 days and so far, the only side effects I've felt are the usual. PRAISE GOD. I was even able to leave the house yesterday to go to an event with N and Sabine. I was feeling so normal and so up to it that I agreed to go.

It was a huge event, something that people had been looking forward to, so we expected a huge crowd at the venue. Our intention was to fall in line for our number, leave to have dinner and go around the area, then go back. I was shocked to see the amount of people waiting around for their turn! 

Was even more surprised when after an initial check done on the documents we brought with us, a lady  happily said, "Sir, Ma'am please follow her so you can go directly to the Fast Lane." I wondered why, because she didn't really say. 

To cut a long story short, as opposed to those who waited 5 or 6 hours, we were done in less than 3 ... processing included. Then I realized why we were given special treatment. I didn't wear my wig. I was wearing a head wrap, so I guess that I was a dead giveaway. A good friend who works for the company who owned the event confirmed that they have instructions to usher Senior Citizens, handicapped pesons to the Fast Lane as a courtesy. HANDICAPPED. The word kept flashing in my mine like a neon sign. 

I ended up sleeping at past 2am because of this. Hormones? Maybe. But I just kept thinking about it because I had just come from a chemo session (which is always a psychological struggle for me) and then being given VIP treatment because I obviously have cancer? It was the kind of blow that I totally didn't expect. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Only someone who's in my shoes will know what I'm driving at. Reality bites and it does big time!!!

Anyway, it's the weekend before we leave on our much-needed family vacation. I'm so ready to let all of this go and enjoy this trip with my loved ones. Next chemo session won't be until after the new year. 

Thank you, Lord ... for allowing me to be treatment-free for the holidays. 

Dear Lord, during this trial,
I offer up to you my confusion
Give me clarity
I offer up to you my despair
Give me hope
I offer up to you my weakness
Give me strength
I offer up to you my pettiness
Give me generosity of spirit.
I offer up to you all my
Negative thoughts from Satan
So that when he asks ‘Where is Your God now?”
I may respond “Right here with me, giving me His grace
As a Heavenly beam of light penetrating your darkness!"

Wishing all of you a peaceful weekend!

Thank God for Headware

I don't know why it took me months to discover them. If my friends hadn't given me one of the head scarves, I really wouldn't have known that Headware existed.

I've been wearing my wig a lot, thanks to a very generous, Super Friend who sent it (and another one) to me all the way from California. But seriously, there are times when I'm out in public and I'm so tempted to take it off. It is just so hot to wear in the kind of weather we're having. 

Yesterday, I decided to use one of the Christmas presents I've already received from friends. It's the most basic kind of Headware in a really pretty design.

I instantly fell in love the minute I put this on. Even my daughters told me I should only wear my wig/s when I really have to or on special occasions. This is really a lot lighter and more convenient to wear on a daily basis. 

Their tagline, "Keep Your Head Happy" is so appropriate. I wore this the whole day yesterday and not once felt bothered or burdened. It was so liberating!

If you go to Headware's official website, you'll find that there are so many ways to wear this basic style. This means, it's not something I need to give away when my hair grows back. I can keep it and use it as  a headband, a neck scarf, a face mask, or even as a bandeau!

Good thing I had a last minute errand to run before dinner. I went to Greenhills to have some things exchanged and walked over to Planet Sports in V-Mall to find maybe a couple more of these. 

I bought the first one in Planet Sports and then for some reason, I found myself inside The Travel Club (looking at suitcases, I don't know why!) and saw they carry Headware too. The tie-dye and solid gray ones are from there. 

According to their Facebook Page, these are made of 100% Polyester Microfibre. They're breathable and elastic. I'm already thinking of who I can give these to for Christmas. 

I'm hoping to find a really nice black and red one and then I guess I'm done. The basic style (depending on the design) costs as low as P290.00. Price will go up if you get their Limited Edition styles, but I still don't think they're too expensive, given the many ways you can use them. 

This isn't a paid post, btw. I'm just really so excited about this discovery. 

Now which one to use when I go to chemo cycle 3 today? Hmmm...

Not Just Yet...

Apparently, I celebrated too soon. My tummy, almost 3 months after surgery, is not really in its final shape or size yet. In fact, there's a bit of new swelling going on, and it's on one side only, making the area look strange and sometimes difficult to stare at. I saw my PS (Plastic Surgeon) Yen Asedillo last Thursday and she confirmed that the reason for the swelling is that the area is weak. I can't remember all the other terms she used but that's the bottom-line, the abdominal walls are weak and are still healing. Why only on one side? It happens, based on something I read last night (yes, sometimes I still can't help but Google, so sue me). 

There's a really quick-fix for this according to the story and also to Yen. I can undergo a procedure which will require regional anaesthesia, where a mesh will be put in place. But according to Yen, it's a CHOICE I can make, not a requirement. It's kind of a relief to know this because another surgical procedure is the last thing I want at this time. NO. I just had to put my foot down and I told her, I won't have it because I'm still so traumatized from all the surgeries and the on-going poking with needles. I can't think of anything else other than chemo (and going through it til March) right now and I want to focus on that. 

So in the meantime, what do I do about the bulge? Btw, it's not hernia, which is another possibility and which REQUIRES the surgical repair no doubt. I need to be patient about it, that's what. Yen reminded me for the Nth time to keep wearing my girdles, no matter how uncomfortable they feel. 

Fine. Atleast it's not a major medical issue that I need to be extremely worried about and not a rare case either. Meantime, back to focusing on my treatments and yes, back to wearing dresses more! 

It's Tuesday, how's your week going so far? Exam week for us! 

Viral Laryngitis

This was my Oncologist's diagnosis of my throat issue when I visited her last Thursday. My WBC count was not dangerously low, in fact, it was higher than when I had a CBC in between the first 2 rounds of chemo. But she wanted me get the shot that would make it (WBC) go up anyway. 

For those of you who follow this blog for info, the shot is subcutaneous and The Medical City will charge you roughly Php7,000 for it. 

She listened to my chest and declared that my lungs were clear. YAY!!! I'm thankful that my prayers for zero infection worked and I was still able to execute my Motherly duties last Friday and Saturday. 

Except for a minor throat itch (which can be addressed by my Kamillosan spray), I'm all good! Oh and not to forget .. I gargle with Bactidol 2x a day as advised by my Onco. Not a problem with me because we can never be without Bactidol at home. A really good alternative to this, of course, would be your trusty salt in warm water. 

The earliest I can have my 3rd chemo cycle is this Thursday, the 13th. That will happen if my next CBC is favorable. Hopefully, it will be, due to the shot I got last week. I'm still not looking forward to the cycle (as always) but I want it to happen this week so I can really enjoy the short vacation we're all going on with my Mom before Christmas. 

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!!! 

God bless us all!

Sore Throat

I woke up this morning and my throat felt abnormal. Not painful at all, it felt rough and slightly itchy. I knew something was up. So I drank my Echinacea tea to fight off whatever this was and since I ran out of my favorite Ilog Maria throat spray, I had to settle for something that I could buy from the nearest Mercury Drug store. 

A Twitter friend said that this is known to work

This tiny bottle cost me more than Php400, versu Ilog Maria's Throat Spray (honey propolis) which is a bit taller than this bottle but only costs about P100. 

I sprayed this in my mouth twice today, but my throat feels the same. I'm hoping it'll be a different story when I wake up in the morning. I'm so paranoid about getting sick while I'm in the midldle of treatments. 

Praying to be spared from any kind of infection!

11 Days After

Absolutely no side effects now. Today is the 11th day since chemo cycle 2. Good times, yes! I've been busy doing the things I wouldn't be able to do with the side effects there. I've been mostly doing things for the kids and with the family. I went malling today and it felt gooooooood! 

Please help me pray for my next cycle. I want it to happen on December 13, but that all depends on my blood test. If my WBC count is below normal (like it was the first time), we have to wait a bit. Which means I'll have chemo on the 18th. That's the day before we leave for Baguio. I really would like to enjoy our trip. Mom thinks it's okay, I can sleep all I want while I'm there. The purpose of the trip is for everyone to relax, after all. The thing is, I wanna step out and smell the fresh air. Something I won't be able to do if my usual downtime happens while we're there. 

I'm gonna be praying extra hard this time! 

It's Monday again tomorrow, we're one week closer to 2nd term exams. I'm so happy I get to study with the kids before chemo happens again. 

Hope you all had a really relaxing long weekend!

In the Mail

The weekend was really lazy like I predicted. Fortunately, by Sunday I was up on my feet again with a little help from Zantac (to address the gas). Our Sunday Family Style lunch here at home made me feel like a pig! Oink!

This week, I got a really nice surprise in the mail

These are from Crisann C. of ICanServe Foundation. Such a sweet gesture from someone I haven't even met. We're only Twitter friends at the moment but I think there's a coffee and cake date coming up real soon. Crisann is a breast cancer survivor, much younger than I am. She's been a great help, offering to answer whatever questions I may have about BC or chemo or what have you. 

Ahhhhhh the kindness of strangers! Always does wonders to one's spirit. 

Thank you, Lord, for never forgetting to introduce me to angels here on earth!

And to all of you out there, enjoy the long weekend with your precious loved ones. Time well spent!

Post Chemo : Day 3

It feels like one of those "I'm gonna spend the whole day in bed..." days. I woke up feeling off today, not sick, just off. No gas, no nausea, nothing like that.

Just not interested in doing anything. 

I've taken a cup of Echinacea Tea (from Healthy Options) to help me combat this and mostly because I'm paranoid about getting sick! 

My b*tt is in the same place since I opened my eyes this morning. 

This is where I'll be and I'm not going to do anything to fight it. 

My body needs the rest and that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

My family is so understanding, even Sabine whom I expect to ask a lot of questions told me earlier

"It's okay, Mommy. You're gonna get well. Chemo is only up to early next year, right?"

In the meantime, my eyes are starting to feel heavy again.

This is going to be one long and lazy weekend...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chemo Cycle 2

It was pretty much the same for me. The anxiety was still there. It arrived as soon as my Onco started with the infusion. I hate the feeling. I was having a mini-anxiety attack and it felt so uncomfortable. Fortunately, after I prayed about it, it went away and I even managed to fall asleep this time. I was in deep sleep when N arrived after picking up Sabine from school. I fell asleep again after that. So, thank you Lord for answering my prayer!

It's been 2 days since then and I'm okay. I feel the same way I did the first time around. Slightly gassy, always sleepy, generally lazy. But nothing more than that. I'm putting off taking Zantac to address the gas, until tonight. I wanna take it right before walking over to Friday Bible Study with our new-found group. Good thing it happens at our neighbor's! 

I'm expecting some constipation to happen within the next few days because that's what happened the first time, so I'm loading up on water ... lots and lots! I'm not a huge fan of water (bad person) so this is really a challenge for me. 

Tomorrow, Anissa's competing with her dance crew at the Mall of Asia. HELLO HUGE CROWD. I'm bent on going because this is her first competition this year and I have to be there to support. I'm not nauseous or fatigued, just gassy. I can do this. With a face mask (ugh). But I will.

Thanks for all the prayers, I'm good!!! 

P.S. Planning to talk to my Onco about these anxiety attacks. I hope she'll allow me to take something a few hours before each cycle to calm me down! 

Thanksgiving

Allow me to take advantage of this very popular holiday, even though we Filipinos aren't too big on it. Seriously, I'm one of those who believes that Thanksgiving Day should be everyday. Cliche? Maybe. But I don't care, it's true. Why wait once a year? There are so many things to be thankful for everyday.

So ... predictable as it may seem, here's a gratitude list, because it always helps to note the things you're thankful for : 

My husband

My children

My Mom

My Brother

My In-Laws

Family Members here and abroad (you're too many to mention!)

My Loyal Kasambahays

My Super Friends

My Havie Friends

My Online Friends

My Triple-T Friends

My Wednesday Club Friends

My Mommy and Daddy Friends (Pep, Terpsichore, PHCT)

Other Daddies and Mommies I met through my kids 

Friends that fall under these categories

Former colleagues, especially those who are really close friends now

N's friends --- both high school and college buddies

New friends ... our bible study group

The many people God has introduced to me and have become my friends, since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am amazed at how God works because it's obvious to me that He's behind all these chance meetings and hook-ups. 

Needless to say, I continue to be thankful for the health and well-being of my children and all my loved ones. It really helps to know that everyone around me is okay in the health department. I can handle my own illness better than someone else's. 

What are YOU thankful for? Make a list, it's therapeutic and it's always something you can look at everytime you're having a bad day. It's a sure way to lift your spirit. 

EVERYDAY IS A BLESSING 

Today's Thought

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It’s then I have to remember
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top

And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan’s loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it’s in the valleys I grow!

 

Source : ALifetimeofWisdom.com

Sleepless in Bed

12 hours from now, I'll be sitting on that La-Z Boy-looking chair again, while trying to watch TV or maybe reading my book of the moment. 

I'm not going to lie ... I'm anxious about going for chemo cycle 2. The only difference is that this time, I know exactly what to expect. So I guess the anxious feeling isn't as intense as the first time. But this is why I'm in bed, but can't sleep.

I've requested for more prayers for tomorrow and I'm humbled by the response I got from friends --- close and otherwise. 

In not so many words, let me just say that today was the most challenging day for N and I since this journey began. It was overwhelming, to say the least. I found myself focusing on this bible verse. We are so blessed to have neighbors whom we can talk to whenever we need guidance and reassurance. 3 houses down from ours live the most accommodating and warm couple in this small community. Pastor R and his wife, A have also invited us to be part of their D-group. We've only joined them once but N and I are in agreement that we want to keep going back. Anyway, all it took was one text message from N to Pastor R and at around 9pm we were seated in their living room and Pastor R was praying for us.

I continued to pray when we got home ... I needed time alone to talk to the Lord in the manner that I usually do. I can't have anyone else in the room when I do this. 

So anyway ... I should've hit the sack a lot earlier than this. If you're reading this, please say a quiet prayer for me as I face the frenemy again tomorrow. Thank you and God bless you! 

Officially 44!

Sometimes, I still can't believe I'm in midlife. Half of me is scared, the other half deserves a pat on the back for a job well done so far in all aspects (I think).

My birthday blues didn't last very long, thanks to a loving and tight family -- both sides -- who took the time to help me celebrate this extra special birthday.

First, the food! I didn't have to lift a finger to order/cook any of these. N, my in-laws and my Mom took care of everything for me.

 

From top to bottom, left to right:

The cake : Estrel's Caramel Cake (yum yum yum!)

Birthday Noodles from PVL Restaurant in Mandaluyong (our go-to place when we need to order out last-minute or when we're going to a potluck gathering. good and cheap food!)

Breaded Fish Fillet, Callos (N's favorite), Chicken Lollipops, Paella Valenciana all prepared by N's older sister. Everything was so mouth watering!

There was also Fresh Lumpia, Pichi Pichi and Cassava Cake from other family members.

So much food!

But the star of the buffet was this 

 

 Charlie's Pritchon FTW! Soooooo good. My favorite sauce is the White Garlic and Honey Mustard combined. I was so happy I could take some home with me after the party hehe!

It was an intimate gathering with a few other relatives invited

I thank N for taking the lead on this and allowing me to sit pretty and just show up

I'm one year closer to being a Golden Girl! Hahaha. 6 more years :))

I can't say thank you enough. I am blessed to have been able to celebrate another birthday. It was my first birthday without Daddy, but I pulled through.

Family is love!

P.S. I never imagined I'd be celebrating my birthday this year as a cancer patient. But I look at these photos repeatedly and I can only feel blessed to be surrounded by so much love and to not look like a cancer patient at all. Bongga!!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the peace and courage, which can only come from YOU! 

My Birthday and the Blues

This year, for the first time ever, the birthday blues are real for me. I feel like I go through it every time my birthday is coming up but come to think of it, it was all just drama. I didn't have any valid reason for feeling sad on my birthday ever. 

Urban Dictionary defines it as : a general sadness or feeling down by a person on or around his birthday. The factors that can cause this include: 

Being upset at officially aging another year

Being disappointed or not having expectations met by a birthday celebration or gifts.

Being unsatisfied with accomplishments since the previous birthday.

Oddly, these reasons sound so funny to me. They've never applied. First of all, I've never felt seriously upset about adding another candle to my already jampacked birthday cake. In fact, it's the least of my concerns up to now. Expectations not met? Maybe but not enough to give me the b-blues. Unsatisfied with accomplishments? Still a no. I've worked my *ss off for so many years, I think I've done a good job raising my kids despite the fact that I'm not perfect. N and I have been together for 12 years and that, too, is an achievement as far as I'm concerned. So no, sorry, none of the above! 

But this year, the b-blues have a reason for being here. 

I need not say more.

This was at my birthday celebration in 2011, HEAT Edsa Shangri-la

The year before that, my birthday celebration at The Stock Market in Boni High Street

This year, the photos won't include him, but he'll be around and I'm 101% sure of it. The first thing I'll do when I wake up tomorrow as a 44-year old will be to cry (I'm also 101% sure of that hehe!). I'll cry because for so long, the first greeting I always received was my Dad's. My birthday is the only time of the year he calls me "my original baby girl". But I'll also cry when I thank God for allowing me to get to where I am, inspite of the challenges this year.

I've been trying to recall what Dad's last birthday gift to me was. I think it was money and I spent it right away, that's why I don't remember haha. But seriously, I can't imagine celebrating every birthday from now on without him there. The Daddy's Girl will probably always cry on her birthday starting tomorrow, knowing that there will be one less person to greet her.

Thanks, Daddy, for all the bongga birthday celebrations and gifts you've given me all these years. You can now tell God directly what you want Him to give me for my birthday. Just look into my heart and you'll find it there. I miss you big time and I love you forever. 

4th Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson #4 : Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does.

Here's an excerpt from the book:
There were a lot of signs telling me to lighten up, to slow down, and focus on what really mattered.

This sounds all too familiar to me. My life has always been like EDSA at rush hour. There was hardly any time to "stop and smell the roses". It was always work, work, work because for the most part, I wanted to. Secondly, I had to. There was time when Anissa was 4 to about 6 years old, when it would be so normal for me to leave the office at 9pm. When I left that job, I took a 2-month respite and that was the only time I realized that my daughter had been having dinners with the Yaya all those years!

After 2 months though, it was back to the daily grind for me ... until 2 years ago. Still, it wasn't a choice I made when I left the corporate world in July of 2010. In fact, it was more forced than anything. But today, more than 2 years later, I'm seeing everything come into play. By everything, I'm referring to God's plan. I can't imagine being diagnosed with breast cancer and having to resign from work because I'm sick. It would've been more painful to do that.

The Lord forced me to slow down because I wouldn't have done it myself. When I left my last job, it was my Mom who first told me that it could be God's way of telling me to slow down and this time, take care of my kids on a full-time basis. Mother knows best? She was so right. I've been a stay-at-home Mom since then and despite having some difficulty adjusting to the new role, I've survived the past 2 years without much regret. Today, I'm truly thankful that I can focus 100% on getting better and not worry about work. I don't even have to think about how I'm going to get back into the employment scene after my treatments are over because at the moment, that is really not an option.

I thank God everyday for the opportunity to see my kids grow and be part of their lives like I never was in the past. I thank God for blessing me with the stay-at-home Mom status because it prepared me enough for what I'm going through right now.

I am so different from who I was when I wore suits and heels everyday. Sure I no longer get to swipe my credit card anytime I want, buy pretty things left and right on a whim, treat my kids to expensive shopping sprees every single weekend (to make up for lost time). But the rewards are huge. A small part of me still wishes I could be financially independent, which is why I have a small business in the works.

My life began to slow down 2 years ago and I can now see clearly why it did.

Nope, I no longer take myself too seriously nowadays. I may still be so OC sometimes, but that's really me. Otherwise, I'm cool. Here's proof.

Hehehe!

Closer to the weekend!!! 

Gimme Some Lovin'

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3rd Installment : God Never Blinks

Lesson # 3 : Life is too short to waste time hating anyone (or anything).

Another thing I had to work hard on, seriously. The word HATE is so easy to mouth right?

I hate the weather.
I hate my hair today.
I hate getting stuck in traffic when I'm in a rush!
I hate my teacher for giving me so much homework.
I hate the food in _______.
I hate him because he's such a pr*ck!

To some people, the word's part of their everyday vocabulary. Guilty! But like they say, age does certain things to you that you can't explain. It mellows you, for one. That's what it's done to me. I've come a long way from my war freak days (ask my best friends). I was never physically violent, but my passionate nature led me into the most embarrassing (in retrospect) situations I can now laugh so hard about. Back then though, my feistiness and short-temper were things I was truly proud of.

Because I'm really really passionate about things, I'd also very quickly feel hatred towards things or people. If something didn't work right, I'd hate it and never use it again. If someone did me wrong - intentionally or otherwise - I'd hate that person and write him/her off my list. Sure, I still do that nowadays. I know a lot of people do the same. But the word HATE and the intense feelings that go with it are quite a thing of the past already. Again, I truly believe it's a combination of age plus all the lessons life has taught me so far.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

I sure know what this means now. When you're told you have cancer, it automatically changes everything. Everything! My Mom told me that an illness is a real catalyst. It can change your life instantly. Your outlook, your mentality, your attitude --- it just turns everything around. This is what the cancer has done. Fortunately for me, regardless of the difficulty, I didn't allow the cancer to change me into a monster. I'm not saying I turned into a saint (that just sounds so funny). The cancer has given me the opportunity to see life differently and, therefore, see everything else with fresh eyes. Yes, fresh and not jaded. I may have been given cancer, but along with it came the most amazing transformations!

DO I STILL HATE?

I'll be totally honest. Of course I still do, especially when I'm not in the best of moods. But the difference is knowing when to hate and when not to, versus hating everything most of the time. When I do, I make sure I don't dwell on the negative feeling for too long. This is 'cause I've learned that it takes too much out of you. It's emotionally draining and it affects everyone around you because it'll show. I don't want to be a walking time bomb. This is exactly what you become when you fill yourself with negative thoughts and feelings. When you learn not to hate or hate a lot less than you normally do, you'll find that it's liberating, it makes you feel a lot lighter.

My emotional well-being is really so important to me right now. I recognize the need to be positive and to not focus on the cancer. Do I hate the cancer? I definitely don't love it, but I don't think I can say I ever hated it or I ever will. It's still not my friend, but even if that's the case, it's also given me so much that I should be thankful for. If only for that, I won't hate it.

Good night everyone, I hope you all had an uneventful day. Except for an unexpected blood test (Serum FSH), mine was.

2nd Installment : God Never Blinks

LESSON #2 : When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

Sigh ... what can I say. I've had to really take this lesson seriously. I think it's my corporate experience of more than 2 decades that taught me to always look at the big picture, to always have foresight. Sometimes, it really doesn't help to look too far ahead. Let me tell you why I think this is the case.

When I first realized I could be sick --- take note, this was on the day I discovered the lump, 2 weeks before the actual diagnosis --- I immediately cried and worried. Horrible thoughts ran through my mind. My children, N, my Mom, my brother. My life in general. What will happen to my kids if anything happens to me? Will N be able to handle being Dad AND Mom? Will my Mom be able to survive another casualty in the family? And what about my brother??? What if ... what if ... what if ... 

I looked soooooooo far into the future without really fully understanding yet what was going on. I allowed fear to take over and basically rule my thoughts. What did that do to me? I can't begin to describe how horrible it felt. As soon as I came face to face with all these bad thoughts, it got even worse. 

BABY STEPS. 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

These are what I told myself after my Dad died. There's no point in trying to rush things. 

It's the same thing with my illness. I didn't achieve anything by getting ahead of myself and the entire situation. It didn't help that I got scared first, before anything and everything else. 

So yeah I was in doubt ... deep deep doubt at that. It took a couple of days before I took that next small step. I had to pray so hard for all the bad feelings to go away. I prayed with all my heart and asked the Lord to take over the situation. That was my next small step. I lifted everything up to Him. It was a baby step but it also felt so right. I know I did the right thing because pretty soon, He gave me the peace I needed, so I could focus on working with my doctors so I could get better. 

Since that day, I haven't looked back. There are good days and bad days. The bad days are few but when I'm having one, I just go back and take that same small step I took back then. After all, there really isn't much you can do on your own.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? Praying to God and surrendering everything sounds like a huge move and yet for me it was the "small step" I needed to take to get me out of that sink hole I was in. It was small because I couldn't see anything beyond it, but big because God turned it all around and saved me from my own terrible thoughts. 

Getting Wiggy With It

I've been waiting for the wigs from one of my best friends who's California-based. She told me she would send me a couple, through a friend who was flying to Manila. I finally got them today! 

I've never ever worn a wig before, not even as part of a costume. So I was kinda excited to try them out. I opened the box and the first thing I noticed was the color --- I fell in love! I hoped at least one of them would look good on me. 

Wig #1 - it's a bob, but the sides are longer than the back part

Wig #2 - has more pronounced layers, but my issue with it is the top part, which I think has too much volume, it looks bulky. Don't you think? I hope my hair stylist can do something about this because I also like this hairstyle.

Most of my friends on Facebook chose wig #1 and so did I. 

Here's what it looks like with the proper lighting

I really appreciate the fact that the colour (highlights) looks soooo good!

Do you agree with the majority about wig #1? 

Just an added note ... I know a lot have told me that I look okay even without a wig. Here's the thing ... while I'm extremely flattered, I know for a fact that I can't walk around bald all the time. There are certain occasions when wearing a wig will be called for. I've also realized that no matter how impolite it is, people WILL STARE. I'm guilty of doing this sometimes --- who isn't? And no matter how happy or positive I am about my situation, I get annoyed when people stare. I know because I've had my share of weird looks. Remember that I'm also peri-menopausing. I wouldn't want to lash out at anyone in public for staring at me and end up in a cat fight. LOL.

How did the start of your week go?

1st of a Series on God Never Blinks

This book has been my constant companion ever since I bought it (from Fully Booked) more than a week ago. Unlike the many other books I've read in this lifetime, I'm not rushing to finish this one. In fact, I'm not even halfway done. It's the kind of book you'd want to be totally immersed in, because of all the lessons you take away from the author. I've had many lines glare at me, like they have lights all around them, because I can totally relate. I've had more than one "aha!" moment while reading it. I want to be able to bring it with me to chemo cycle 2 on the 20th, so I can distract myself from the psychological effect of the infusion. 

This is how much I love this book. I'm going to do a series of entries, focusing on each of the 50 lessons in it, and sharing my thoughts and personal experience. It will help me take stock of the many things this journey and my life in general, have taught me. Always good to note, right? 

Here we go...

LESSON #1 : Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

A friend asked me if I went through the usual stages when my Dad died and then, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I told her, "no". I was raised not to question God's will. I was taught that God, as the highest power, has full control over everyone's lives and can choose to do whatever He wants. We, as his children, follow His lead and never ever question. I recently realized that this was not entirely correct. God will not condemn us for questioning Him or His decisions. We are not like Him, we're human. We're allowed our little moments of anger and doubt. We CAN question Him. At the end of the day though, it's important to realize that despite the anger we feel towards Him, we should always return to Him and trust that He will hold our hands and walk with us. 

I never asked, "Why me, Lord??". I was afraid He might say, "Why NOT you? What is so special about you?". I don't feel I deserve to have breast cancer. I don't feel my children deserve to know that their mother is sick with cancer. I don't feel my Mom and my brother deserve the added pain of being told of my diagnosis, just 3 months after we lost my Dad. N doesn't deserve to be burdened with my illness because he's been so faithful to God in anything and everything. But life deals cards that you don't necessarily like. Life's like that. You just learn to swim with the current, make the most of the situation and know that despite all the difficulties, there is always something to be thankful for! 

The very first thing that came to mind when I found out I had breast cancer? 

THANK GOD, MY CHILDREN ARE HEALTHY! I thought about it again and again, internalized it and said thank you so many times, I've lost count. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to worry about my kids being sick with anything more than the flu. I was and still am so thankful that it's me He gave the cancer to. I'll forever be grateful for it. 

So yeah, life is unfair, I'll admit that. But I'll always be quick to follow it up ... it is still SO GOOD. 

Wishing everyone a great week ahead! 

Of Flesh and Blood I'm Made

If you're an 80's kid, the title of this entry will sound familiar to you. It's from the song, "Human" by The Human League. I was reminded of it a few days ago when I gave in to a moment of weakness, because I realized that my hair or whatever little was left of it (after I went for the semi-kalbo look) continued to fall off. It could've also been one of those mood swings that my Onco told N and I to prepare for. Regardless of where it came from, I again applied my 15-minute strategy. I cried and cried and even asked Neal to come and hold my hand while I did (yeah, in the bathroom away from the kids' eyes). He sat there with me, told me to pray for acceptance, reassured me that he was right there, asked me what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go (I seriously thought of replying, "Disneyland, I wanna go to Disneyland right now. It's the happiest place on earth and I don't want to be anything but that!" or some other crazy kind of retort). If he had asked me if I wanted him to buy me something, I would've said, "Yeah, a Moynat Initial Canvas Bag in this particular color would be the best pick-me upper and I will love you 10x more!" 

But seriously, all I wanted to do at that particular moment was to cry and release all the painful feelings because they had no place in my already technically cancer-free body. N continued to soothe me and comfort me until the sobbing ended and I felt a lot better. 

I got up, got ready for my Oncologist appointment and the rest of what happened that day is in this previous entry. I can't count the times that God must've said, "Uh oh, she's having one of those lapses again, time for me to intervene.". He always does. He did again this time, as you may have read in that previous entry. He sent my Oncologist to make me feel better, and even went another step further by showing me what a success story that man with cancer cells in his brain is. That same evening, I saw our hair stylist, Mary at Emphasis in Rockwell and I told her to get rid of all the remaining hair. 

So yeah, what I'm really also trying to say here is ... I know that many think of me as strong, positive, cheerful and kick ass. I AM. But it doesn't mean I don't have my share of weak episodes. Another thing I've learned on this journey is to let go ... that includes letting go of all these emotions that can sometimes come rushing from nowhere and hit you at the most unexpected times. To let go is to allow God's grace to flow through your body. His grace and negative emotions can't co-exist. Peace will only come when you've allowed yourself to face the pain and then release it. Yup, I didn't think losing my hair would be this painful (no matter how many times I've heard  other people say it). I thought I could handle it by repeating to myself, "It will grow back ... it's just hair." It was really painful to see it all go nonetheless. Why? I'm not sure. I'm not vain and I'm certain of that. 

When the tears and the emotions came, I embraced them and allowed them to consume me ... but only so that I can let them all go. I'm alright now. I can look at myself in the mirror and not tear up. Sabine sometimes calls me Mommy Kalbo when she's in a playful mood. Anissa (N told me secretly) was worried when I first had my hair shaved, but he spoke to her and assured her I was okay. 

It's Sunday ... I hope you all have a blessed one. I know I will.